How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

I would let him know that you can't live like this anymore. Tell him if he doesn't make an effort to get some help then he needs to leave. This isn't going to change. Nothing is going to get better if you leave it. Yes it will be awful on your own with the children, but what is the alternative? There is literally live in this misery or force a change

Why did you agree to having a third child, when you are all miserable with two?

@Whatatimetobealivetoday don't be silly. Do you really imagine the OP hasn't offered her support before now, her guidance, her care, concern and love?
By the time someone gets to seeking advice on ongoing issues here, they have exhausted all other avenues by themselves first.

None of us are obliged to stick out life of misery. Sorry about that.

@Sugargliderwombat you should have read the whole of that post.

I don’t know, she didn’t say so I can only go off what she said, rather than your assumptions. Some people don’t know how to help a person with mental health issues.

Hence why I said that she doesn’t say in her post?

Why is he exhausted? It’s key to understanding this as a third child is just going to increase the workload hugely

And I don't know about you, @Whatatimetobealivetoday but I'm not a mental health professional with endless patience and a martyr complex. Are you?

Why are you bringing another child into this miserable domestic situation?

As someone who spent their entire childhood walking on eggshells around a moody, angry parent, I can tell you that I blame my other parent just as much for their passivity in allowing the situation to continue.

Yep. He’s a fun sponge, a Debbie Downer.

DP is a little like this but not to this extent and it is exhausting being the cheerleader, compensator, glass half full person. On his worst days I just think “Fuck off! Life with two small children would be physically harder without you but GOD, the lack of MOODS would be like a holiday in the Maldives”.

I feel you and it is so tiring and demoralising to start the day with such gloom and negativity. Dunno what the answer is, though. DP at least bucks his ideas up when I tell him to stop being a gloomy bastard, but it’s temporary.

If this isn't his default personality then I would wonder if he is depressed

Also, sometimes mental health IS an excuse. Yes it doesn’t make behaviour acceptable but it provides are reason why people behave in certain ways.

Do you think Postnatal depression is not an excuse why some women can’t bond with their babies???

Could he be depressed, has he seen the GP or had therapy? Are those things he would consider? Are you on the same page with the partnership?

I hope this doesn’t come across as too harsh, but why on earth would you bring a 3rd child into this misery?

2 year old twins are hard work. You are rarely going to feel ‘free’ or without burden with 2 kids of that age. It’s hard bloody work. It will get better, perhaps expectations need to be adjusted.

Your DH sounds miserable, you are clearly fed up with his moods, so why did you think it a good idea to get pregnant?

Sounds a bit like my partner OP, I think he’s heading your husbands way. I have tried to address it multiple times and he does try. He’s seemed much better the past few weeks. He struggles in the winter with depression, as we both do.

the hardest part is him being grumpy around the kids as they notice and try to avoid

Have you tried talking to him? As in really sitting down and giving it all to him straight about how it’s affecting your life? Is it just because he is tired or is there something else going on here?

FFS - I am sick of mental health being trotted out whenever someone has poor behaviour. OP, It is not clear if this is depression. It may be, in which case it is up to him to get help because it is negatively impacting the people around him. It is also possible that he has just decided it is ok to take it out on you when life is not perfect for him and he does not get exactly what he wants - far more common than depression in my experience. In either case, he does not get to sulk, snap, shout or moan constantly. Sorry OP, sounds awful. I guess you need to arrange your life to suit yourself and make sure you are not pandering to him.

Look I've got depression and sometimes I'm a nightmare to live with but when my partner tells me how it's affecting everyone else I have to listen and make changes, hard as it is. Nobody has to spend their life in misery because I'm struggling.

It's also not clear if this is mental health related- there's no mention of seeing a Dr.

Can you afford to leave, @Ohhhhhlalala ?

Always be perky and sunny? Make sure he gets a shag twice a week? What kind of advice is this?

I think a lot of people are misunderstanding this poster.

She went through the same and her actual advice is get out. If the OP chooses not to these are the things she is saying that she had to do to cope with it in the short term. She definitely isn’t advising this is a good strategy but in a rather tongue in cheek kind of way describing the life she led.

BTW - I think a lot of men have families with no concept that their life should change and get narked when it causes any difference to them. I knew someone who moaned that he was getting woken in the night - when his baby was a few months old. I told him to grow the fuck up.

No but part of the problem is that everyone talks the talk of mental health but no one wants to walk the walk.

Get diagnosed with cancer and everyone will help you and care for you.

Depression? Sounds like people expect you to cheer up and a quick fix without really seeking a cure or treatment.

Newsflash, depression can be lethal and is just as debilitating as a serious physical illness and change a person.

Maybe OP should have an abortion now then??????? Your comment is SO unhelpful at this point.

Well thank god the two of you decided to increase the pressure on yourselves by adding a third child to the mix.

Seems like the options are that he sorts his moods(only he can do this ) or find some time/energy to work on your marriage (this takes two) or you split (this at least you can action by yourself). If none of these is a goer then start preparing for the day you just can't take any more and have to leave.

@Whatatimetobealivetoday if the OP still has that option then she should give it some serious consideration. Because bringing more children into an unhappy and resentful relationship is neither wise nor straightforward - it just compounds the misery.

Depression is hard and it’s debilitating but there comes a point where if it’s bleeding in to the lives of others on this scale that you have to take your own accountability for it. You just have to.

If he is depressed and he is not making steps or change and seek help for it then it becomes beyond depression, it’s him being selfish to his own needs. If he was a single person with no one to rely on him it would be different. In this case he has a family, two young children and another child on the way. A partner that needs him now and will need him more very soon.

I spent most of my childhood excusing mine because I was ill and ‘everyone should understand’ then spend half my adulthood making amends to those I hurt growing up and realised that mental illness or not I was still responsible for my own behaviour. If the OP has talked to him, offered help and support and he allowing this to continue it falls on him now. The only person who can truly make changes at the end of it all is himself, no matter how much support he has around him.

Make sure he gets a shag - wow, are you serious? What if OP doesn't want a fucking shag, she is not a receptacle!