How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

My advice would be OP that you need to give him an ultimatum rather than keep grinding on.

He needs to find a way to be happier (in my husband’s case he needs to go out and do loads of exercise) or see a doctor if he is actually depressed.

But ultimately he needs to be nicer to you and the DC. You can’t live with someone who isn’t imo. If he cannot be happy in the family and doesn’t want to be then it’s never going to work.

Well maybe op should have thought about the consequences beforehand and not blame her entire situation on her husband’s moods!

Make sure he gets a shag - wow, are you serious? What if OP doesn't want a fucking shag, she is not a receptacle!

Of course she isn’t serious have you actually read the second half? 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is how many women live, however. Writing it down makes it a lot more shocking…..

Yeah I got it wrong, should have engaged my brain before reacting, my apologies

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Ugh.

No wonder you are at the end of your tether.
He reckons it's ok for him to allow his misery to make YOU miserable, because he loves you?

"I know I'm making your life shit, but here are 3 little words that are all about me & my feelings again, so keep sucking it up, there's a good girl. I know I'm struggling, but it's your job to enable that struggle, not challenge it. Pipe down, I just told you I love you. Those ARE the magic words, right? The ones that mean I don't need to prove anything with my actions, just manipulate you with words?"

Has he seen a GP about the mystery cause of his tiredness?
How will he respond when a medical professional tells him that working, parenting & running a house are tiring, welcome to adulting, bro?
Is he prepared to accept that his exhaustion is more likely psychological, & he needs to own that & take steps to heal himself?

Wow horrible suggestion, when the OP hasn’t even mentioned this herself.

Implying a woman you don’t know on the internet should considering abortion is at best rude and at worst completely irresponsible and offensive.

PS I've been one of those women, that's why I saw red

I don't have twins but anybody would be bloody exhausted with 2 year old twins! No wonder you're both exhausted and he's miserable, so why on earth are you bringing another baby into the mix??? It's going to get a whole load more exhausting! Bonkers.

Anyway I’m going to have to agree to disagree, I’ve wasted far too much time on this today and got sucked into mumsnet squabbles when the OP isn’t even here.

Good luck OP whatever you decide x

The real point is the impacts that this will have on the children and what they see as a normal way of being. They need to see light and happiness and need their father to be able to be positive some of the time. They also will see how you are being treated and try as you might it will affect your moods and how you are with them too.

Your DH needs to seek hep and advice and if I were you I would be sympathizing with him but also expressing that it is affecting you and the children and that you propose working on this as team. I'd be suggesting you go to the Drs together and discuss it with them and see what help can be offered - hopefully an antidepressant. I would not take a no for an answer on this from the DR. He'll wait ages for talking therapy and you need help now.

You can't spend your life trying to 'ignore' this and he can't keep sliding down a depressive slope it will only get worse for him and for you all.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Read the whole post 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't think they would if the person with cancer just wanted to martyr themselves and not seek any treatment for it but just complain about the symptoms and expect to be looked after. That would soon make people less sympathetic.

I don't think people do think someone should just snap out of depression. But the usual thing in these situations is that the person with poor mental health refuses to get treatment. And then people say, oh but that's part of the mental illness to find it hard to get help. That's where I disagree. If you know you have mental health issues, it's up to you to get treatment, not for everyone around you to just suffer. If you do seek treatment, then you're far more likely to get support and sympathy.

Hang on - does he even work? You said you would be stuck at home with him. Why would you be stuck at home with him?

I've already apologised and admitted I got it wrong. Maybe take your own advice

Don't worry, pregnancy is a REALLY effective contraceptive, so OP won't be producing a 4th child anytime soon.

Maybe set a calendar note so you can pop back & remind OP of your sterling advice in a few months. Meantime, if you've finished blaming OP for her H's presumably willing impregnation of her, maybe we can focus on her more immediate problem?

If he’s sulky as he’s tired it’s going to get much worse with another baby. Is he going to change? Probably not. Can you manage on your own? Do you have support from family?

The ‘why did you have another child with him?’ comments are unhelpful. The baby is on the way regardless of whether it was a good idea or not - and it may have been a good idea at the time/it could have been a moment of weakness/whatever, but comments like that aren’t providing any practical advice and aren’t supportive. The OP came here looking for help and instead you clutch your pearls and berate her.

OP, ask him to leave. You’ve put up with enough and you’ve done your best. It’s not working. He needs to go.

Why is he exhausted? Is it just being a parent to toddlers or is he gaming until 4am/cycling 60 miles every Sunday etc?

Could he need to see a doctor?

Is he under pressure at work?

It sounds as though he hasn’t always been like this - so what has changed and what happened yesterday?

Has this always been his nature to moan and feels hard done by?

If he's always been this way, it would be best to cut your losses as he will grind you down and it will affect your mentally and physically.

I was married to someone like that.

Imagine waking up in a happy mood and then we'd drive to the train station to catch the train to work and the entire ride he bitched and moaned about everything. How much he hated his job. Of course he never did anything about it. how much he hated working and on and on. By the time I got to work, I went from happy mood to nervous wreck.

I eventually went to the GP and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and high blood pressure. Luckily I had a smart GP who asked about my marriage.

Oh and I did all the maybe he's depressed, took him to the GP and all that. He got prescribed meds and therapy he never did any of it.

Some people just don't want help. Constant moaning was part of his identity and if he stopped it meant he had to be accountable and responsible for himself. Something he wasn't willing to do.

I’m sorry I know this post was intended to be supportive and constructive but why the fuck is it on the OP to manage all of this?

If he has a genuine MH issue (as opposed to being a sulky controlling crybaby he deserves sympathy, yes, but he cannot expect the whole household to tiptoe around him. Mental health issues are not an excuse to drag everyone down with you.

I see so many of these posts from women whose husbands and partners have checked out of family life and whose behaviour terrorises their families and people queue up to ask whether they are depressed or getting enough vitamins or could they be neurodiverse or whatever.

In the vast majority of cases these men are just selfish arseholes who use mental health crises as a cover story to control and belittle their wives.

If he genuinely is depressed he needs to take the lead in dealing with it and also recognise the impact it has on his family.

I spent 14 years with someone like this, I spent a long time blaming myself for it all. My mental health took so long to recover and the guilt that I'd put my kids through it all. Not something I want to explain in depth because even now, 15 years later it still affects me.

I really sympathise with you, it's hard living with someone who is moody. I grew up with a father who was moody, DH can be moody too, although I now don't put up with it or ignore him.
Is there any way you can move closer to your family if they would give you help and support with the kids?
It sounds very hard for you, working nearly full time with toddler twins and a new baby on the way. I had 2 under the age of two and that was so hard. Does he do anything in the house at all? He needs to step up and start helping, get help for himself. Sounds like he is like another child to look after. Not what you need just now at all. 💐

Maybe set a calendar note so you can pop back & remind OP of your sterling advice in a few months. Meantime, if you've finished blaming OP for her H's presumably willing impregnation of her, maybe we can focus on her more immediate problem?

Seeing as she posted about this exact problem back in 2018-2019 she clearly does need telling?

The immediate problem would be less if they didn't have the bright idea to continue with a pregnancy with a shambolic marriage and 2 2 year olds, I just can't muster the sympathy, some people really don't help themselves!

Send him to see the GP about antidepressants. It'll calm his sex drive down as well. He needs to shape up otherwise you won't be able to continue in the marriage anymore. He needs meds, he's not going to magically change into a more positive person without help. He has a responsibility to maintain his mental health.

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