How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

@monsteramunch please don’t bracket me with that poster
i am not telling the OP to support her husband or tell her she shouldn’t have become pregnant so please be careful as I only comment on threads such as this due to direct personal experience.

Furthermore I am not also amenable to being told to step back from a thread where the damage had already been by others with the sort of post I challenged which was completely counterproductive and potentially harmful to the OP.

I suspect I know “things about abuse “ that you didn’t know existed by virtue of this reply. I asked you if you have had direct experience of domestic abuse but you’ve yet to tell me. Well I have.
it’s a total waste of time trying to have a discussion with you because every one of your posts show you have no idea. You have in your most recent posts told her she shouldn’t have become pregnant.

there is no point continuing this because you have said you hope the OP has a happy future and said some things here that are irreconcilable with that

it’s pointless and it absolutely nothing to do with needing the last word.

I have chosen not to answer your question about my experience because it has nothing to do with you or anyone else and I don’t feel it is relevant to the OP or her situation. I am very sorry that you have experience of domestic abuse, I don’t wish that on anyone and I truly hope you are healing and have a happy future.

I absolutely have NOT told the OP in my recent posts that she should not have become pregnant, that is incorrect and I don’t think it’s fair of you to say that I have! Please read my messages properly because I suspect you have misread something.

Yikes! 🚂 derail

@Whiskeypowers I just wanted to say thanks for pushing back against those posts. They were quite unpleasant towards the OP and other posters. I’m sure I wasn’t the only person that found them upsetting due to my own experiences. You are appreciated.

Yes it does. If it’s bipolar he can’t control it and needs help to get the right treatment.

If he has undiagnosed bipolar disorder this is a list of things that will push him over the edge into crisis if he’s already struggling. I’ve been through this. OP if you still want to try to help him, please try to accept that if he does have bipolar, counselling is useless. He needs specialist input, a proper diagnosis including any co-existing personality disorder, and medication. Then specialist CBT for self awareness and coping strategies. It sounds as though you’ve tried so hard to help him in the past, but you wont be able to cope with this type of MH problem by yourself. Your GP is the starting point.

No it doesn't. The EFFECT on his kids & OP is the same no matter the cause.

If it's bipolar, & he can't control it, he needs to move himself out from under his kids' roof while he gets help for it. Because if I smash a plate by accident, or because I have a bp episode, or because I lost my temper, it makes no odds to the plate: it remains smashed no matter what my motivations or excuses.

One of OP's biggest problems is her H refusing to access help for whatever his demons are. So he's as unlikely to seek help for potential bipolar as he is for depression, or a physical cause for low mood & tiredness. You can't seriously be suggesting that she & the DC just continue tolerating his abuse just in case it's bipolar can you?

Even if he were to see the light & finally get medical advice, it would take months, probably years, to get a diagnosis - let alone an effective treatment plan. If it's bipolar. OP hasn't mentioned any manic or high-energy or good mood periods, so it seems unlikely, but that's not the point. The POINT is that the effect on OP can't be diminished by putting a label on whateverthefuck is wrong with her H.

How many times do you think the OP has already asked him to go to the GP?
HE WON'T GO.

She can't make him.
How do you suggest she tackles that?
By waiting another X years for him to get ill enough to motivate himself to stop shouting at his kids, slamming doors & sulking feeling "unwell"?

@KettrickenSmiled is spot on. 100%.

Hear hear & well said Ellie. 👏

🍿👀👀

Why is it that when people post from personal experience, to try to help, they immediately get jumped on and treated as though they are the worlds’ worst. At the time I posted, the OP had said she had tried to talk things out with her DH and had tried to persuade him to go for counselling, to no avail.
I’m not suggesting that she carry on indefinitely and I did admit that if my DH hadn’t got some help it would have been impossible to stay with him. And it didn’t take my DH months to get a diagnosis and treatment. I posted because the behaviour the OP described was very similar to that of my DH and he was very close to crisis point by the time we got help.

If it's bipolar. OP hasn't mentioned any manic or high-energy or good mood periods, so it seems unlikely, but that's not the point.

There are several different types of bipolar disorder and not all of them involve cycling between high and low moods.

You seem nice.

Does your husband work?
He needs a thorough health check up before the next child.
Encourage him to have daily exercise. Does the next door's dog need walking?
I like the response above from LadyGardnersQuestionTime.
I would add that taking walks in nature/parks alone or with others is always refreshing.

Paying a house cleaner for a morning a week is uplifting.
Making a chores chart is always good, as is having a monthly meeting about chores chart. Just get in, quickly, and get tasks done early in the day.
Take a happy parenting course together. Both learn skills of how to cope better.
Start a vegetable garden with twins and hubby and have them maintain it together.

Speak to your husband about shouting. That is not acceptable. His feelings are valid but his response in front of others is not. Make a plan for what to do when feeling angry/frusrated/etc. that he will do himself and can cope with. Brain storm with him.
ie Remove himself. Go to garage or xxx.
Cycle on stationary bike for ten minutes or lie on floor and close eyes for twenty minutes or run around the block and come back to report how many cars he saw to the kids. etc. etc.

It’s not about being nice it’s about the fact that this is something that is not recommended by therapists themselves since it enables further control and abuse. It is a continuation of an abusive dynamic. Surely you can see that!

perhaps do some research on the subject before condemning my personal characteristics.

It doesn't matter which variety, it doesn't matter if it's bipolar or not, it doesn't matter if it's depression, or anything else PP have suggested as a medical cause - because he will not engage with medics.

What matters is the effect on his DC & wife.

I'd have a good deal of empathy for this man if he had shown any remorse for his behaviour & undertaken to get help in making sure that his own misery - however caused - no longer affects his family to such a detrimental extent.

But he hasn't, & doesn't care about even his children's feelings, & there's no point in OP trying to heal him via the medium of martyrdom. You KNOW how that works out, for the downtrodden spouse of a bully.

So must the entire professionally accredited therapeutic community then, which offers the exact same advice, with strong supporting evidence.

Hope you are as okay as you can be @Ohhhhhlalala

The simplest thing he could do would be to get bloods done and thyroid check, get this checked first and then at least he'll have started with the doctor.

Don’t need to do research. I suggested this may be bipolar based on personal experience. If it is, therapy is useless, it needs proper diagnosis because there may be personality disorders alongside it - then it needs proper medication and CBT to teach coping strategies. And my comment about being nice was irony.

I don’t disagree but once more I’ll make the point then I’m out. If this is bipolar and the OP has said that things are worse in the last couple of months, it suggests he is reaching a crisis point. He needs help. And it’s not counselling, it’s referral to appropriate mental health services for a proper diagnosis, including the identification of any personality disorders which may be accompanying factors. Once he is medicated properly CBT will teach coping strategies. I’m not for one minute suggesting that any of this is easy, or that the OP should take any of it on board if she doesn’t want to. It’s time consuming and exhausting. But I have posted with the best of intentions because the symptoms she described rang alarm bells from my experience with DH, whose bipolar went unrecognised and undiagnosed until he attempted suicide. I would hate for the OP to go through what we had to before we got professional help. I considered leaving so many times, but stuck with it, and things are much better. That’s our experience, and that’s all I’m saying.

Appreciate your desire not to escalate back & forth @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy so please be assured am only responding as your description of what anyone suspected to be managing symptoms, or obtaining a diagnosis of bipolar misses the point both Whiskey & I were making - You don’t go for therapy with someone that is abusing you.
end of.

Nobody disputed HIS potential need for therapeutic intervention.
I asserted the FACT that when DA is suspected, the professionally accredited therapeutic community strongly advises that therapy is NOT entered into as a couple. Hence it is important that OP - & anyone in an abusive relationship - understands that this is confirmed fact, not PP opinion.

Yetyou keep urging OP to somehow wave the magic wand that will get her H to take on the time-consuming, energy draining & terrifying experience of being assessed for a major disorder or even temporary blip. How is that helpful to her, when her H won't so much as lift a phone to talk about his "moods" with his GP, let alone push for access to the services & interventions you described?

I am sorry about the rollercoaster you & your DH had to manage, & of course you are going to feel evangelical about people getting the help they need - you are absolutely right about that. But OP already agrees! she wants him to get assessed, to get help to find what going on with him - it's not SHE who is refusing to consider the options, so all reiteration can do is frustrate & upset her even more.

That's why I'm far more concerned about her crisis point than his.
Because I don't believe that he has escalated quite suddenly over a short period, I believe her feels his control slipping so is escalating his behaviours to exert coercive control. He's been doing it slowly & steadily for a long time.
The ruining of special days, over many years, is more the mark of a cluster-B type disorder than a pattern of bipolar. And yes, I know bipolar people irl & that their symptoms are masked or presented very differently at individual level. I also know more than most would wish to about how DA presents, so will politely agree to disagree with you that this is an 'anger management issue' - because I reckon it is a power & control issue, which is why OP does not report any consequences of raging, shouting & object-slamming outside of the home.

Apologies @Ohhhhhlalala, to have done so very much talking about you rather than to you. I understand you might be taking a break from your thread, & just wanted to assure you that you don't owe any of us updates, or explanations, or your time. It must be a difficult read, & I hope you have gained comfort from any support or advice that YOU felt useful to you.

Also hope that you are finding moments of peace & happiness with the kids, & scheduling a series of small treats for yourself. Even 10 minutes not attending to anybody else's needs here & there will help you get through whatever plans or accommodations you are deciding to make.