How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

Apologies LadyG, am reading piecemeal while multitasking, jumped in rudely without checking that you'd already spoken up for yourself.

Your post was heartwrenching (been there done similar) - it's the waste of those prime years of our lives, innit. Congratulations on your eventual escape.
Heart the username btw, v naughty of you to nice respectable Aunty Beeb 😂

Dammit Martyr, I read that as LadyG HAD already left her H.
LadyG - if not, I hope OP's thread is support & inspiration for both of you.

When children are born into abusive households, two people are responsible for that. When the children remain in that house, two people are responsible for that. An abuser isn't going to just change. Children shouldn't be living in abusive homes. So it then becomes the responsibility of the person not directly doing the abuse. At the very least the OP should have told her MW. But she'll enable him to abuse her children instead.
Living with this, will cause the children anxiety and low self worth. She's choosing to cause mental health issues in her children. If she follows the advice of getting on with her day, bright and breezy that won't help the children. I don't agree with throwing children under the bus to uphold a woman's right to get pregnant to, then live with abusers.

I think this post says it all very clearly OP. You should show it to him and give him 3 months (in your head) to change. Then leave.

This is no way to live. Insist he seek professional help for his depression or whatever else is causing these moods. Tell him you are not prepared to live this way any longer. (And mean it!)
If you have to get out, do it and don't waste any more of your energy on this miserable man.

No I've twisted nothing. You are repeatedly and deliberately ignoring the shouting and aggression in front of the children and instead painting him as this downtrodden sad man. I think your agenda is just a bit of garden variety misogyny (I.e. it's OP's responsibility to fix her husband despite his refusal to change, plus the old "if this was a woman everyone would give different advice" chestnut).

OP can't do anything to stop her husband being emotionally abusive. She has talked to him and he isn't listening. She has no power to make him change. All she can (and should) do is protect herself and her children by removing them from his toxicity.

Trouble with posts like that is when it’s not clearly signposted it’s meant to be dark humour, sardonic, sarcastic whatever, because posters are already angry on the OP’s behalf especially if you have to get to the end of the post to realise it.

There was nothing wrong with that post. In fact it was a useful post, based on that poster’s experience and then their subsequent hindsight. The problem is people rushing in to have their say before reading the whole post.

Warm, but missing the hot point:

Dear everyone with mental health issues

All the advertising campaigns are not sufficient in themselves - no matter how much the medical profession urges you to seek help, it can't be provided until you decide to take responsibility & ACCESS IT. You will never be tasked to sort it out for yourself, you will be encouraged, guided, counselled, advised, medicated ... whatever it tales to get you back to a place where you don't need the medical profession so acutely & can start getting back to your healthy self.
Part of that help will be urging you toward self reliance by explaining what you should & should not expect the laypeople in your life to be able to support you with. What we won't recommend is that you use destructive coping mechanisms like refusing to access care, ignoring medical advice, & taking your moods out on your loved ones instead of directly asking them to support you appropriately, under our guidance.

Thanks!
The medical profession.

PS we love a self-referrer! It worries us more when a patient's spouse has to do it for them. It can indicate that the patient is going through the motions, & has no intention of recovery, as they would rather lean on their spouse. It increases our workload, because we then need to check the spouse out for co-dependency & enmeshment, & worry about the ramifications for them too.

Ah, the mysogeny card. You know women can be a nightmare to live with too don’t you? My brothers ex wife was a moody cow and if that’s mysogynistic then so bloody what. Was glad to see the back of her.

I'm aghast that this manchild claims to be exhausted when it is you who gave birth to twins 2 years ago, you who is pg with your 3rd, you who is working 30 hours a week, and you who is doing all the heavy lifting.

what planet is he on? Cloud cuckoo land no doubt.

please please don't continue to have more children with him.

There is quite frankly no magic wand that can be waved over this situation because your children are already here and they need their parents. all you can do is channel all your attention into their care, keep your financial independence and don't allow him to stop you from working, as that will eventually be your route to freedom.

Desperately tempting to say LTB, I'll resist that, but maybe start to get those proverbial ducks in a row for the right time to cut and run.

My Dad was like this, I can clearly remember walking on egg shells all we didn't upset him or make.him angry. Best thing my mum ever did was leave him.

You.don't want your.kids growing up thinking they have to appease other people all the time, theyll.end up in relationships which mirror yours

and if he is depressed then he needs to be a grown up and do something about it

I’m stuck living in a house with someone who is a complete arse (long story) and I was speaking to my therapist and he gave me what is probably the best advice. He just said:
”If you can’t leave, what if you just stopped caring. At all. Completely.”
And I didn’t have an answer. There’s no reason I’m required to care. Now that the person has shown they’re an arsehole, there’s no reason on earth that I should be giving them space in my mind, or caring what they think or do, or thinking about them at all. Yes, it’s quite difficult in the same household, BUT it’s a method of self-preservation if you can’t leave right now (or if for some reason you can’t leave at all).

If you stop letting your DH’s moods affect you at all… nothing bad happens. The relationship police don’t show up and declare you a bad wife. You’re doing what’s necessary to keep yourself sane.

OP, life is short. Very short. But the days can feel very long. If he wants to get help for his depression, if it IS depression (personally, I think sulking is manipulative as fuck and I’m leery of anyone who expresses their upset this way), great. He can do that. But you are not required to suffer in the same household if it makes the days feel unbearable to you.

Hi @Whatatimetobealivetoday
sorry , I was busy arguing .

DH doesn’t have depression I believe and I have spent years trying to support. We have had counseling separately and together. I believe DH has asd so try and be extra supportive. I am a teacher and believe so much he has traits .

Third baby was planned . Late 30s and I was i broody. A poor choice but DH wanted another . I asked him if he was sure several times. I think I’ve felt so miserable I stupidly thought this baby couldn’t make it worse . I also was desperate for soother and after 10 years with DH felt it wasn’t crazy to have another child. But I guess maybe it was me not thinking straight but we are both excited for baby.

Life is hard for everyone but I try hard with DH but it is at a point now where he wakes up and decides it’s going to be crap and will start shouting and not talking and make every effort to argue all day . This is worst at weekends as we are both home. Yesterday was our anniversary and he was absolutely vile. Regardless of how you are feeling it’s beyond disgusting to shout and slam doors in my opinion. Things have been awful the last 3 months and I’m terrified DH now thinks this is acceptable.

As you are both tired and struggling, I eojld be sitting down and telling him you need to work together to fix this. In his case, this probably includes a trip to a GP for bloods and to assess for depression.

In addition, what can you BOTH do to feel.better. eg, what sleep options are there. Dh and I put up with a lot separately so that the other one could have chunks of sleep sometimes. So suck up an early start alone while.exhausted while one gets a proper lie in and then swap the following day.

Ditto, time out - one gets an afternoon off foing something then the othwr one

If chores are overwhelming with 2 young kids , fair enough. What can you outsource or ignore? Is it worth more ready meals or par-cooked.meals? A cleaner? A laundry service? (Our washing machine was broken recently and actually, dh and I both found it quite nice for one of us to head to laundry, do a huge pile at once ans come back, with no lau dry necessary for a few days after!).

But basically, he has to stop MOANING and work with you to fix it. For himself and for you. Because you sound as miserable and unhappy and exhausted as him, you arejiat trying harder not to take.it out on everyone else.

He might be depressed as others have said, or he might just be turning into a miserable old fucker like my ex. On paper he was a nice man but as he got older he became a lot more 'the glass is half empty' and it was draining. It sucked the life out of me, just the misery and negativity all the time. I became a different person. I left him, and got myself back. Now my teens comments on how old and grumpy he is. At least they only have to put up with it half the time now.

Does he need therapy?

Think you need to consult a dictionary and realise the difference between sulking and depressed

the person who is depressed in this particular dynamic is the OP. Depressed and increasingly wary, exhausted, being pestered for sex and being bawled at in front of their very young children whilst she is pregnant and holding a job down and trying to keep her family functioning.

this man may well be depressed but the axe wielding behaviours he’s exhibiting here don’t merit your analogy. The behaviours are abusive.

I am not especially keen on posts that accuse women of misandry.

Being constantly miserable is a controlling form of abuse OP. Depression has treatment, if he doesn’t seek it he is SELFISH. If he is not clinically depressed then his behavior is just appalling. Ultimatum time. He sorts himself out or you need to consider your future. Don’t subject your children to this.

OP, I’ve just seen your latest post saying you’ve both had counseling separately and together.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter at this point if he has depression. If he’s been shouting and slamming doors for three months, it’s verbal abuse and you don’t have to take it. That feeling you describe, of walking on eggshells; it’s a horrible way to feel. And being stressed like this during pregnancy really isn’t great for you. I don’t know if you have the option to leave or if he’d be willing to leave, but it’s really not on. I think so many women don’t realize how much of an effect their partner’s verbal abuse is having on them - how stressed it makes them, how unhappy it makes them, and that maybe there is a tiny drop of fear. Yes, verbal abuse is not as physically dangerous as physical abuse, but it will absolutely destroy your happiness, your self-esteem, your confidence, and possibly give you depression when you’d be fine otherwise. It’s insidious.

You have every right to a life free of a man constantly shouting… and so do your children.

My exh was a lot like this. Specifically ruining special days etc.

My experience is they don’t change. You just need to leave and let the kids have one happy, calm home.

The thing when you’ve got kids, you can’t just ignore the sulking and moods, and get on with your own stuff. You need their co operation with certain things. And you can’t always physically go where they are not. It’s easier for them to make their moods felt when there are kids.

I think an amicable separation would be an idea but only once your baby is say 1. You need to bond as a family.

My advice is to leave but not yet. Work towards independence over the next 2 years. Set yourself a date. Dont tell him. Just do it.

Then nearer the time say we are not happy, I love you and want you to be happy, let's separate and then you can do or not do chores, get more sleep 50% of the time.

It's sad for your kids bc they are stuck with him as a dad but he will either do better alone or he will check out completely and you will be on your own.

Also, in regards my comment about ignoring his moods: I recommend that as a TEMPORARY coping mechanism, until you’re in a position where you can leave. I tend to agree with others, that this situation will not improve, and now that you’ve shared more, I would recommend leaving as soon as possible, or getting him to leave, since he’s the one yelling and slamming doors around twin two year olds and his pregnant wife.

Look, you’re making bad decision after bad decision. You need to stop.

I won’t lie - I don’t understand how you plan one pregnancy let alone two with someone who makes you miserable but you have. You are where you are so it’s time to ensure you don’t bring your children up under the same abusive regime.

Whether or not he has ASD is irrelevant - he’s being an abusive bastard. The fact he’s miserable about normal day to day life yet wants more children makes zero sense.

You say he’s not depressed - so what’s the alternative? He’s an abusive prick.

Just leave him or your children will grow up thinking misery in a relationship is normal.

To people saying talking to him- I have spoken to DH many many times. He will always say he hates himself and will get help. Then he changes for a week.

He works from home which is hard so I suggest a gym membership / go swimming / go to an evening clsss but he doesn’t . I have tries therapy with him and both separately. I have listened for hours to him. I have tried to be the perfect wife but honestly his behavior has spiraled and I am now fed up of it and I can no longer justify his behavior. Depressed or not I feel this is now bordering on abuse .