How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

Of course she can!

Is he doing anything to address this op?

I'm sorry, sounds so miserable for you 💐

Leave. Seek out your local Womens refuge/emergency housing and leave. Or… you could tell him you’re planning to leave and you have spoken to someone at a refuge. If he needs to see the GP he needs to get on and do it! It’s tantamount to emotional abuse.

Has he seen a GP? I would be giving an ultimatum to go to the GP and get help or you will leave. You dont want your kids raised in an atmosphere like you currently have. You might be able to hide it from them at 2 but you wont be able to for much longer. Sorry I haven’t read every update but did he used to be a generally happy person? (Obvs everyone feels down from time to time). Did something in particular happen to trigger this?

Sounds totally miserable, you’re staying because ? I feel sorry for your little 2 year old twins being shouted at and being in an environment with this man, it’s not great for them is it? It’s not going to be any better when you’ve got a new baby and likely 2 year olds who will feel jealous and unsettled by a new arrival taking up your time and making you and their already crabbit nasty dad worse.

have you spoken to him about the environment he’s providing for these children he chose to bring into the world? Is this what either or you want for your kids? I would not be able to live like that. No one is perfect but he really sounds pretty awful. You can only encourage him to sort it out for so long, it’s exhausting for you too I imagine on top of pregnancy, twins and 30 hours of work in a week. But it’s not going to get any better sadly unless he agrees to speak to someone and deal with it, if he doesn’t see there’s a problem then you need to put your children first here and not have them living in such a toxic environment

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live

OP - are you saying you are feeling suicidal? The very first thing to do is address this instantly. Speak with your midwife and if you have close family or friends, seek their support as well. This is an emergency. Don't wait another day.

Now for a bit of tough love...

If PPs are correct and you've been posting about these same issues for 5 years, you need to accept that he won't change. You've decided to bring 3 children into this environment and you both have an obligation to look after their well-being. You can't control what your husband does but you can choose to prioritise them. At the moment they have one parent who is emotionally abusive and another who is on the verge of a mental health crisis. Those children need you. Think about the steps you are going to take to ensure they are not growing up in a house filled with shouting, aggression, a toxic atmosphere and a mother who is hinting at feeling suicidal. Doing nothing is not an option. This is actively harmful for the children and for you.

I didn’t mean leave him full stop I meant escape as in just leave the house to go out for the day. Once you have young kids that becomes so much more difficult.

I cannot believe 90+ % of people on here saying what a horrible man, he needs to sort himself out, you need to leave, you shouldn’t be around someone so moody, why would you have a baby with him? Would you all be saying that if we were talking about a woman who was feeling low/miserable/no energy/no interest in her family??? I highly doubt it! Disgusting comments on here from people who think it’s not for this woman to support her husband in getting help one way or the other and for her to just leave! How would that work with future visits with the children 🤦🏼‍♀️

It doesn't sound unreasonable to leave him. I think several PP have given coping strategies for now, but how solvent are you? Start making plans on how you'd split your finances and how you can survive alone or with the children if you want to keep them (it sounds like you should if he's that bad).

This sounds really tough OP. You've got twin toddlers, you're growing a new baby, working 30 hours a week and running a home. And instead of making life easier for you, your DH is making life worse.

The fact you've come on Mumsnet shows that you know something has to change.

Actions speak louder than words. You've tried talking to him and he hasn't made any changes. Call your mum/sister/best friend whoever it is who will be happy to see you and make time to talk things over with you.

Tell DH that you are exhausted and at your wit's end and that it's not healthy for you or the baby. Tell him you are going away (alone) for a few days to think. If he says he can't cope with the twins on his own, tell him that if you split up then he'll be having to do that regularly.

Then get away and invest time in considering all the different options you have for improving things. Maybe he needs to see a doctor for depression. Maybe he needs to get a better job, not working from home, earing more money so you can hire a cleaner or put the kids in nursery. Maybe when you're less exhausted you'll be able to think of other ways you can make your life easier.

If the clear knowledge that he could lose you doesn't buck his ideas up, then at least you know you have tried everything and you can separate from him in the full knowledge that he was never going to improve.

Hang in there OP because once you start making big changes then things will improve.

PS I've been one of those women, that's why I saw red

😞.

It’s a damn sight more common than people think. Her ‘strategies’ were also considered normal in the past amongst my mother’s contemporaries.

Why on earth are you having a third child when it's clear he can't cope with the two he has.
Men are generally miserable for a few simple reasons.
Chaos round the home from kids, not enough sex, lack of peace and quiet and being at the bottom of the pile for your attention.
Things will not improve with three children.
I suggest you ask him outright what troubles him and how it can be resolved or you might be bringing up three children on your own.

Maybe you can't believe it because you haven't really heard what OP is saying. You've completely misrepresented the situation in your comment and rewritten the narrative to suit your own agenda.

In fact, it's OP who is miserable, low mood, no energy, feels she can't go on. Her husband on the other hand shouts in front of their 2 year olds and despite OP asking and asking for him to change and explaining the effect on everyone else, he continues to be rude and aggressive and cause a toxic atmosphere in the house for OP and the children.

How long do you feel she should subject herself and her children to this for in the name of being a supportive wife, while he does absolutely nothing to make things better? According to PPs it's been 5 years already.

Of course it’s only women who get depressed? Men only ever have sulky tantrums because they aren’t getting their own way. Your attitude is disgusting and dangerous. And what a pointless remark about the 3rd baby, she isn’t planning a 3rd baby it’s already on it’s way so well done for potentially making a woman feel like sh!t for having a life growing inside her.

Don't go making any huge life changing decisions whilst you're pregnant. It does sound like he could have a touch of depression. What would he say if you raised that with him?

Both of you being exhausted won't help. I can't even imagine being pregnant with little twins!

My exH was v much like this and i wound up despising him for it. Even if I felt tired and miserable I would paint my best smile on and try be happy mum and to just get on with things.. When he came sulking round and ranting it made my mood just crash and my 'mask' slip. I hated it.

@Thepeopleversuswork
It's not the OP's job to sort it out but people with mental health problems sometimes need a hand to realise the problem and start to deal with it. If he refuses the help then different scenario and she really needs to consider the future of her relationship.

Totally agree with the numbers of threads in here where partners are clearly abusive emotionally and sometimes physically too and people come to give advice about see the GP etc but I think the only person who can who really know what is actually taking place in a relationship is the OP.

So just to be clear
If you are in an abusive relationship...emotionally, physically, financially etc get out for your own sake and get out fast.

There is just one life and you’re wasting it by living his misery. Please leave. You’ll be ok. Just take some time to plan it, get a mediator and fly away. Every hour of your life is precious.
You and your babies will be all right. You will find your way. All the best.

He’s woke up sulking again

Grown adults shouldn't be sulking, it's a Childs trait. This immediately puts you in a parent role.

Therefore I would not go into parent role but pissed of friend role. Pissed of friends say what the fuck you sulking about now? I'm not going to spend time with you so either you go out or I do.

Wow it sounds like you twisted that not me, I have responded to the OPs message not dug in and made it something it wasn’t. And what’s my agenda? I wonder why the OP is miserable and low mood and no energy?….you said it yourself it’s her response to his ‘sulking’ and low mood. There’s more she can do with the aim of things changing not just tell him she’s miserable because of his behaviour.

He shouts in front of the children. Leave him.

You're darn tootin' it's not helpful

It would be a little more helpful to ask why HE had children when he's like this.

Not helpful at all to the children in question of course, so obviously the easiest target to deflect responsibility for this man's inability to be a decent parent onto is the woman already doing his parenting for him ...🙄

Is he depressed? I'd send him to the doctor and get antidepressants. So many women take them in order to put up with their miserable husbands.

If he had a medical issue that disabled him physically, would you leave him?

If his physical condition meant his kids having to walk on eggshells in their own home while he shouts at them, the answer's YES @Whatatimetobealivetoday

To be fair to that PP, she concluded her post by advising OP NOT to take on all the onus & pandering described in those bullet points. It was a cautionary tale, not a recommendation!

Most IAPT services offer something called ‘couple’s counselling for depression’ - a structured therapeutic intervention for when one half of a couple has depression which impacts significantly on the relationship. It’s nhs so no charge, and you may well be fast tracked due to perinatal status.

You don’t need a GP referral, it’s mostly booking an initial assessment online or over the phone.

I would make it non-negotiable that HE takes responsibility for arranging something like this, or CBT for himself maybe. If he doesn’t that’s very telling.