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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I told my daughter my parents died

195 replies

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:06

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

OP posts:
Original poster
1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:07

Gosh not sure why there's big gaps sorry!

OP posts:
pompomdaisy · 29/01/2023 04:09

My view. It's not the right thing to lie to your daughter and some would say narcissistic in itself. The aim is not to repeat behaviour of poor parenting.

magpieshine · 29/01/2023 04:10

im a bit on the fence with this one.

my dh is nc with his dad and we’ve told the kids that he doesn’t see his dad. There haven’t been loads of questions about it. We have said that some people don’t see their parents and that’s been the extent of our chat.

Hollyhocksauce · 29/01/2023 04:11

I think it's wrong to have said that they've died. Presumably she will find out one day that you have lied to her.

newusernamegloria · 29/01/2023 04:11

At some stage she'll find out you lied, even if it's when she's a lot older. It's a lie you won't be able to keep forever.

Original poster
1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:13

I'm absolutely kicking myself and should have just said they love very far away so we can't speak to them or something in that sense.

Gosh I know its terrible to think i have lied to her.

That's actually one of the reasons why I went nc with them, because I wanted to be a better parent than them, being attentive and showing love and affection towards my kids and not how they treated me.

OP posts:
3487642l · 29/01/2023 04:19

You can correct it by telling your dd you did the wrong thing and told her a lie and you're sorry you did it. You're telling her because you want to tell her the truth. The truth is your mum and dad hurt you and treated you badly when you were little. It's not ok for mums and dads to do that, which is why you don't see them. If she asks questions you aren't ready to answer or are not age appropriate just say you can tell her more when she is older.

lborgia · 29/01/2023 04:20

Don't beat yourself up. It's not a small decision to go nc, and if it was one of those "out of the blue" questions, you're allowed to have panicked and made a mistake.

If you don't get any more questions, I'd leave it until your child is open enough to cope with "my parents were so unpleasant I stopped seeing them and wanted to protect you". I honestly wouldn't try and walk it back right now. THEN you'll have trust issues, concerns about how the world works...

In the future, allow yourself not to answer a question straightaway. You're allowed to say " that's a big question, can we talk about it properly when we get home/ in the morning/etc?" Just make sure you DO.

The fear and anxiety that may have prompted your lie is understandable. Not narcissistic Hmm

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 29/01/2023 04:21

I would correct the lie sooner rather than later.

I was NC with my father before he died and told my children we didn't visit him because he wasn't a very nice person.

MrsMikeDrop · 29/01/2023 04:25

I'm sure you just said it in the moment, but it is best not to lie. I would just say that you don't see them anymore or something like that. I'm sure someone here will have some better words that you can use.

ShippingNews · 29/01/2023 04:26

I agree with pp - this lie will catch up with you at some stage. Better to correct it now , without any fuss . Just say they are not nice and you don't want to see them because of that. And leave it there.

Kitkatcatflap · 29/01/2023 04:32

Don't beat yourself up about this - she is too young to understand the reasons behind it. You have said it, don't back track or change things. Later on when she is older and she asks or discovers they are still alive -yiu can explain that at the time they were dead to you ......

Original poster
1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:33

@3487642l That's great advice. ❤
@lborgia she really did catch me off guard, I wasn't expecting her to ask about them and to be honest I didn't think about her asking about my parents when I went nc with them 3 years ago, that's a great thing to say I will remember that for next time then I can come back to her with a better answer.

Absolutely, I think you are all right I will tell her in a kid friendly way that they were not nice to me so we don't speak to them anymore when she gets home!
My kids left to visit their Nana with their dad and I'm off to a concert tonight so I won't get to see her until the morning so will have to speak to her then.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 29/01/2023 04:37

I don’t think it was the right way to handle it but I also don’t think it’s horrible. When she’s older I would explain more. I wouldn’t try to correct it now. She’s too young to know the truth and too young for you to explain that you didn’t tell her the truth.

Be prepared now for her to ask again. Then you can tell her whatever is age appropriate about not being in contact.

Billslills · 29/01/2023 04:53

Don't stress. I think we've all been in situations where we've been caught off guard and surprised how quickly a lie slips out. As others have said, I'd be honest with her, in a kid-friendly way, that they hurt you and you have made the difficult decision to not be in contact with them for the time being.

garlictwist · 29/01/2023 04:56

I really don't think you should have lied. She will find out one day that they are alive and will be hurt and mistrustful. I would have just told her you don't get on and left it at that

Togoodtobeforgotten · 29/01/2023 05:34

I would have been honest, what is your child going to think when she finds out the truth?

Ladybug14 · 29/01/2023 05:48

Be careful saying 'they weren't nice to me so we don't speak any more'

That might be a pattern your daughter follows for little arguments with friends which wouldn't be good

I'd say that although your parents are alive you don't see them or speak to them any more and they live a long way away.
I'd try not to go into detail because she's too young to understand imo

GrinAndVomit · 29/01/2023 05:49

No. It’s not the right thing to lie. You need to address this before it’s too late and it snowballs.
I am in a very similar situation to you and I just tell her “I don’t see them very often because they aren’t kind”

Shoxfordian · 29/01/2023 05:51

Yeah I think as long as you address it and apologise for lying then it’ll be ok. Say you don’t like to think about them because they weren’t very kind people and that’s why you don’t see them anymore

NotAMartyr · 29/01/2023 05:55

I am really surprised this has not come up until now. And also that you did not have an answer prepared or had given the issue some previous thought.

Anyway, of course you need to tell her the truth in a sensitive age-appropriate way. Do this asap. You can be honest as to why you lied too.

Tamarindtree · 29/01/2023 06:03

You were put on the spot and gave an answer that you did thought would dismiss anymore questions from her and in a way they are dead to you!

You must tell her the truth ASAP though.

GaspingGekko · 29/01/2023 06:18

I agree with pp that I personally would correct the lie. Either now, or in the future because she realises that they are not dead.
I think it's absolutely fine and a good example to children to let them know adults can be wrong and it's OK to own up to it.

I would also make a list of potential questions that children can and do bring out of nowhere and come up with an idea of what you would say:

What happens when you die
Where did I come from
How do babies come out of your tummy
Do only old people die

Etc. Because kids really do pull random things out of nowhere and it's best to not be caught off-guard.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 29/01/2023 06:32

My almost 5 yr old asked where my mum is after working out the 'granny is daddy's nummy' then later 'grandad is dad's stepdad, where's his DAD?' when he was 3.5ish.

My mum IS dead so I had to tell him that and I tried to do it gently but even then he has been left with a strange preoccupation with death and I wish I could have given any other answer. I talked about it openly, answered any questions and after about a year he mostly seems to accept and understand now.

However we're both no contact with our dads and he's asked directly and knows mine lives in Ireland etc. Lots of chats about how every family is different and not every parent treats their children as kindly as they should. I'd be devastated if my kids didn't want anything to do with me as adults so I can only hope I'm parenting in a way that keeps us together but I am certainly determined to break the cycles of abuse and secretiveness from my family and passive aggression and carpet sweeping from ohs.

Tell her the truth, gently explain they're not dead, it was a pretty mad thing to say but I definitely get why you felt it was easier. However having a dead parent and an estranged parent the conversation about the estranged parent went more smoothly than the one about death.

SpaceMonitor · 29/01/2023 06:33

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:13

I'm absolutely kicking myself and should have just said they love very far away so we can't speak to them or something in that sense.

Gosh I know its terrible to think i have lied to her.

That's actually one of the reasons why I went nc with them, because I wanted to be a better parent than them, being attentive and showing love and affection towards my kids and not how they treated me.

You shouldn’t have lied at all. You should have been honesty. Tell her that you don’t see them anymore because they are unkind.