I told my daughter my parents died

[1Dream]

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

Can't you just tell her the truth now? She's 5, explain in 5 year old terms why you lied, apologise and explain why it's bad and move on?

I would do this, it is the right thing to do.

Don't beat yourself up about it though, you have told a lie to protect her but you can make it right.

You're not like your parents and she won't even remember you telling her they were dead in five years once you explain the truth of it.

I admire you for having the strength to keep those people out of her life.

Guaranteed she’ll find out the truth eventually. Imo, t’s the wrong thing to do to say they’re dead.

Stupid thing to do. I have a 5 year old, they aren't stupid, you could have explained they weren't very nice so you don't see them. My husband's grandad was an abusive alcoholic, he never met him, no one lied, he was told as a child he wasn't a very nice man so they didn't see him, as he got older he got the full story. What you've done is awful, you need to tell the truth.

i would just say We dont get on.

The consensus appears to be, one way or the other, you tell your daughter the truth i.e. your parents are not dead.

Beyond that, there's potentially another massive element for your daughter.

What if she's told her friends her grandparents are dead?

How does she correct that without them considering her to be liar?

WIll you give her the tools to do that i.e. prevent her appearing to be a liar?

she probably won't remember that yousaid they had died. children tend to need to be told things several times before they know the information so be ready for next time she asks.

Remember that her primary perspective will be that her experience of parents and grandparents is only of loving kindness and she's just wondering if there is more of that available.

"most children have parents who love them and are kind to them and keep them safe, and when the children grow up and have children of their own their parents become grandparents and they love
their grandchildren. sadly some people aren't good parents and don't because nice grandparents. many years ago daddy and I decided that it would be best for all of us if we didn't see my parents any more because seeing them only ever made everybody miserable because they aren't very nice people, they are mean bullies. They aren't dead but they aren't people that we want to have any contact with, so it's easier for me to think of them as if they were dead sometimes."

Did you not ready the original post?? The OP said she was subjected to emotional and physical abuse and the poster I quoted is calling it NOT GETTING ON?????

Honestly mumsnet shocks me.

The bar is low for everyfuckingthing

OP is being a real mother by keeping her kids away from toxic, CHILD ABUSERS. All she did was make a mistake in how she delivered this to her 5 year old, she’s only human and dealing with her own past and future.

@AIBUYesYesSometimes I'm sorry to hear that you lost contact with your extended family and that your father fell out with his siblings. I don't know what the reason was but the fallout was clearly very painful for you.

All I can say is that my son witnessed awful behaviour from parents while they visited us. They stormed out when I broached it with them. That was seven years ago and we've not heard from them since. Ds said at the time 'your parents are very grumpy Mum. That argument didn't start today - it started the day they walked in the door'.

Sure we've lost contact with extended family as a result - he doesn't know his cousins. But I can't put a child in a situation where he witnesses repeated abusive behaviour by relatives who don't understand boundaries. I mean obviously he might seek them out when he's older but he was old enough to remember their behaviour and be upset by it so I'd think he'd probably think twice!

As others have said, don't stress, you were caught off-guard. You have lots of time in the future to correct what you said and explain why.

I am NC with my mum and I've told DS5 we don't see her because she lives far away. (Which is true but obviously not the whole story!)

I'd say talk to her today.

Let her know you had a bit of a panic when she asked and said a silly thing.

Tell her you're sorry and you won't do it again.

Great role modelling taking responsibility, understanding everyone makes mistakes, being sorry.

And gets it off your conscience and takes away the anxiety that 'what if one day she finds out, they find her, she learns I lied??'

That can hang over your head for years.

Clear it away today. Maybe a nice walk, while you're having fun.

Then casually say I made a mistake yesterday.

Let her know how unkind they were to you, you were upset thinking about it.

I bet she'll be fine.

The OP's situation is not the same as yours. This wasn't a "falling out" she is quite clear why she cut contact with them in the first post. I wouldn't let my children near anyone who had been abusive towards me as both a child and an adult either.

I must admit, I'm surprised you weren't already prepared for this situation.
Anyway, you're only human and I can understand why you did it

Thats a terrible lie to telll your child. You should be ashamed !

I don't think you should have lied, and I would correct it. You can in an age appropriate way explain to her that you don't talk to them and that you panicked when she asked you and said the wrong thing. A 5 year old should be able to understand that.

@Appleass i am sure the op didnt say this flippantly

i watched Mrs Wilson recently, and one of the Mrs Wilson's told her son his dad had died. because this was back in the 1940s and it was shocking and shameful that he left her for another woman
but the op was put on the spot and no doubt feels emotional about it, she will tell the truth now, or part of it

Do one.

Please don’t beat yourself up, OP. As for a pp saying this was ‘narcissistic’, words almost fail me.
I wouldn’t necessarily correct your story now, but tell her when she’s a bit older at an appropriate time, that you didn’t have time to think, and didn’t know how to explain when she was still so little, that you’d had to go NC with parents who weren’t at all nice.

So either treat your children the same as fully grown adults... or die?

Sure. Strong argument. Let's not have age-appropriate conversations and teach our kids to navigate different levels of conflict in different ways – that would be WILD 😂

What the fuck?
OP clearly had a horribly abusive family. In WHAT way is her lying about a very sensitive question that she wanted to handle in the best way when it came out of the blue going to be “history repeating”?! That’s insane.

I think it's OK to show our children some of our vulnerability. It's a balance, since we still need to be their consistent safe place. But by showing them that we too make mistakes, feel sad, have difficult feelings - but still come through that safely - then that makes it OK for them to feel those things too.

Personally, I'd bring it back up with DD as soon as possible, in a quiet safe time when you'll have plenty of time to talk calmly, maybe bedtime.

I'd tell her that when she asked me, it took me by surprise. It brought up big, scary emotions in me, and saying that they're dead is what came out. But now that I've calmed down, I want to tell you about it properly. They're not dead, but they were unkind to me - not just once but all the time. And in the end I decided that it was best not to see them any more. It's a really difficult thing, but that's what happened. I'm sorry I told you they died. I always want to tell you the truth.

If she asks for detail of what they did, it's OK to say that you don't want to explain that now, because you don't think she's old enough to really understand. When she's older - if she still wants to know - you'll explain it.

My parent lied to me that their narc father was dead. He wasn’t, it turned out, but did die a few years later (imagine my surprise!!).

Unfortunately as others have said I do see it as quite an unpleasant thing to have done and this parent does have some of their own narc traits… for example they have now flat out denied this lie for years.

Still I do understand why they did it. Just was quite confusing (especially when he did die - don’t forget when this happens you may well have a lot of feelings if not practical things to do about it and she will witness this) and I think if they’d been honest and said “He lives a really long way away and we don’t go and see him because he’s not a nice person” I’d have accepted that totally.

in your situation you could say “I was wrong when I said they had died. They are actually alive but they aren’t nice people and they’re not kind to us, so I never see them and sometimes I feel like they have died.”

Another thing to consider is that if they aren’t that old your child may have a wish to go and meet them when she’s old enough. If you deny her that chance to decide for herself what they’re like by pretending they’re dead, it could cause big resentment especially if at any point she starts to doubt your own judgement of people.

This, exactly. She will learn from it too. It’s not too late to correct what you said.