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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I told my daughter my parents died

195 replies

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:06

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

OP posts:
InsomniacVampire · 29/01/2023 08:32

dumbstruckdumptruck · 29/01/2023 08:04

Because there are different degrees of 'not kind' and at 5 years old, a little girl won't have the cognitive capacity to distinguish between one level and another.

Show quote history

In which case just buy a coffin and die on the spot, because otherwise kids can misinterpret whatever we do and do it wrong.

GreyCarpet · 29/01/2023 08:32

AIBUYesYesSometimes · 29/01/2023 08:27

You were wrong.

The other thing is, do you want to control who your child can see as they grow up?

I appreciate your parents and you don't get on, but is it fair to pass that experience onto your child(ren)?

Are they going to have the chance to make contact with their grandparents in the future and make their own choices?

I can hear you screaming 'Noooooo' but in all honesty it's something you might think about. You as an adult made your choice on it, but as your children grow up they might want to make a different choice (and there is always hope your parents might change too.)

This is a terrible post. You have absolutely no idea what prompted the OP's decision to go nc.

Tallulah28 · 29/01/2023 08:33

My SIL did this with her DD - both parents still very much alive. 9 years later she decided to repair the relationship with her parents and it caused no end of distress to her DD who had believed they were both dead up to that point. I would tell your DD as soon as possible that you made a mistake by telling her they were dead - that you found it a difficult question to answer because you don’t get along with them and that you should have been truthful. Far better to fix the problem now and own your mistake than to perpetuate a lie for years.

marmitegirl01 · 29/01/2023 08:37

Please ignore those that say you’ve done this all wrong.
it’s a perfect opportunity to model to your daughter sometimes we make mistakes and this is how we correct them.
apologise. Say you were surprised and unsure how to best explain. Then briefly why they are not in your life. Answer any questions and distract as pp said with hot choc or a game. Be prepared to Answer any subsequent questions too.
you will handle this x

ClassroomRunaway · 29/01/2023 08:38

Like pps I think you need to tell her the truth asap. I don't know about the whole "dead to me" thing. That's quite confusing for a small child. I'd just say they aren't dead but you don't see them at all anymore. And say sorry for not telling the truth.

StillWantingADog · 29/01/2023 08:38

GrinAndVomit · 29/01/2023 05:49

No. It’s not the right thing to lie. You need to address this before it’s too late and it snowballs.
I am in a very similar situation to you and I just tell her “I don’t see them very often because they aren’t kind”

Agree with this approach

and as for explaining why you lied, just say that at the time you didn’t want to upset her but you think she should know the truth. Don’t dwell on the “lie”
part, just the truth part

Crumpetdisappointment · 29/01/2023 08:39

give it a rest @Whatatimetobealivetoday
how on earth did you get to child abuse!

Zodfa · 29/01/2023 08:40

"Not very nice" seems too weak to me for talking to a 5yo who might not fully get the implied meaning. We don't usually cut people out of our lives just for being "not very nice". Better to say "very very unkind" or "bullies" or something.

PlinkyPlonk1 · 29/01/2023 08:40

I would admit the lie, apologise and say you were very silly to do it and that you won't do that again.

Just say that you didn't know really how to explain it which is why you lied. Now that you've had time to think about it you've realised that it's always better to tell the truth. The truth is that they weren't very nice to you when you were little and that's why you don't see them.

I'm NC with my Mum and my kids knew from around that age that I didn't see her because she wasn't very nice to me when I was little. I referred to her as my "Naughty Mummy". They still call her that and they're tweens.

knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 08:41

AIBUYesYesSometimes · 29/01/2023 08:27

You were wrong.

The other thing is, do you want to control who your child can see as they grow up?

I appreciate your parents and you don't get on, but is it fair to pass that experience onto your child(ren)?

Are they going to have the chance to make contact with their grandparents in the future and make their own choices?

I can hear you screaming 'Noooooo' but in all honesty it's something you might think about. You as an adult made your choice on it, but as your children grow up they might want to make a different choice (and there is always hope your parents might change too.)

It's simple. Too toxic for adult children = too toxic for grandchildren. Its a parents job to protect their children from harmful influences. The op is doing the right thing.

MRex · 29/01/2023 08:41

3487642l · 29/01/2023 04:19

You can correct it by telling your dd you did the wrong thing and told her a lie and you're sorry you did it. You're telling her because you want to tell her the truth. The truth is your mum and dad hurt you and treated you badly when you were little. It's not ok for mums and dads to do that, which is why you don't see them. If she asks questions you aren't ready to answer or are not age appropriate just say you can tell her more when she is older.

This is good advice. 5 is a good age anyway to model that you can apologise and row back on lies. Good luck

dottiedodah · 29/01/2023 08:41

I would say something like "I don't see them because they are not very kind to me" say it and say sorry to have lied .answer any more questions but don't revisit .say you have nanny and grandad and any aunties cousins etc.knowing most dc they will then want to ask what's for dinner

Doris86 · 29/01/2023 08:41

An enormous lie that will eventually catch up with you.

Why didn’t you just say they weren’t very nice to you so you don’t want to see them. A five year old would be fully understanding and accepting of that.

Schnooze · 29/01/2023 08:42

Depends on what you actually said at the time but you might get away with a pp’s suggestion

You can possibly say you’ve thought about the conversation and silly mummy thought she meant your grandparents and they are of course dead but mummy’s actual mum and dad aren’t dead, but you don’t see them because of bullying etc.

Tamuchly · 29/01/2023 08:42

CountZacular · 29/01/2023 08:20

I think PPs are being a bit harsh. After you go NC it can feel like someone has died and just feels an easier way to think about the situation (I spent 3 years grieving my mother who, I assume, is still alive).
This has come up once with my 5 year old. In this circumstance I just said we don’t talk anymore and I don’t know where she lives and we moved on. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that really.

I don’t think you need to be apologising for lying because that’s not exactly what’s happened here, but yes I think it’s best to just correct it. It’s probably better to just breezily say you were wrong and actually they just live far away and leave it at that. At that age they are going to overthink it more than that and you can start preparing for a better, more age appropriate answer for a few years time.

I agree, when I first went NC with my mother I grieved - not for her, but for the relationship I should have had with my mum.

I struggled to find a way to explain to my younger children (the older ones lived through the things that led to NC) but I’ve always highlighted the fact that they have incredible grandparents on their Dads side so they’re not missing out. Basically, I’m happy to discuss the fact I don’t see or speak to my mother with them and they know why but they’ve never asked for more detail.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/01/2023 08:44

lborgia · 29/01/2023 04:20

Don't beat yourself up. It's not a small decision to go nc, and if it was one of those "out of the blue" questions, you're allowed to have panicked and made a mistake.

If you don't get any more questions, I'd leave it until your child is open enough to cope with "my parents were so unpleasant I stopped seeing them and wanted to protect you". I honestly wouldn't try and walk it back right now. THEN you'll have trust issues, concerns about how the world works...

In the future, allow yourself not to answer a question straightaway. You're allowed to say " that's a big question, can we talk about it properly when we get home/ in the morning/etc?" Just make sure you DO.

The fear and anxiety that may have prompted your lie is understandable. Not narcissistic Hmm

As someone who is NC with apatent i totally agree with this a lot of people who have "normal" families and standard disagreements do not understand.

DramaticClassic · 29/01/2023 08:44

I'm also no contact with my parents but went no contact after my child was seven so he'd met them. They live thousand of miles away.

My dilemma is what to say to my son if they kill one another (two abusive narcs who hate one another)!

I think in the end honesty is the best policy - the truth nearly always comes out.

I feel for you OP because it's very hard.

Letthecarhuntbegin · 29/01/2023 08:47

3487642l · 29/01/2023 04:19

You can correct it by telling your dd you did the wrong thing and told her a lie and you're sorry you did it. You're telling her because you want to tell her the truth. The truth is your mum and dad hurt you and treated you badly when you were little. It's not ok for mums and dads to do that, which is why you don't see them. If she asks questions you aren't ready to answer or are not age appropriate just say you can tell her more when she is older.

I wouldn’t explain the NC part at all with 3 year old.
Just tell her you made a mistake.
Chances are she will forget you said they died anyway, she somehow seemed to take from your conversation that they are still alive.

Thoughtful2355 · 29/01/2023 08:47

Personally I think that could have been a great lesson for your child. About not letting people be horrible to you and to make those right choices etc

EasterIsland · 29/01/2023 08:48

You were wrong. She’ll find out and feel very betrayed.

Fairlybear · 29/01/2023 08:48

I would also hastily tell the truth, I don't think you need to go into detail though at her age. I am NC with one of my siblings for complex reasons, my DS has asked why we don't see him I just kept it brief. I think for a 5 year old things around being unkind or horrible might be confusing but also cause her to worry you might not talk to her if she ever does something bad as they don't have the same ability to contextualise.

DramaticClassic · 29/01/2023 08:48

As someone who is NC with apatent i totally agree with this a lot of people who have "normal" families and standard disagreements do not understand.

Absolutely this. As if we'd throw a strop and walk away from a normal relationship. It's YEARS of crap behaviour - you reach elastic limit

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 29/01/2023 08:48

I don't see why you couldn't just tell her the truth? I know she caught you off guard with the question, but has it not been on your mind generally what you'd say to her when she did ask? It's not a surprising thing for her to ask about. I would have just said that they weren't good or kind parents to you and you don't want to see or spend time with them. Why lie?

LillyBugg · 29/01/2023 08:49

OP my son took until he was about 7/8 before he asked about my Mum. I said that she wasn't a kind lady and she made bad choices which made me very sad so we don't see her anymore. He accepted it pretty much without question. I appreciate he's a bit older but I think kids accept these things far more readily than we do.

The only thing that terrifies me really is when he's a teen and he hates me he will think it's okay to not see me anymore. Not sure how to solve that one to be honest.

AIBUYesYesSometimes · 29/01/2023 08:50

GreyCarpet · 29/01/2023 08:32

This is a terrible post. You have absolutely no idea what prompted the OP's decision to go nc.

Show quote history

It's only terrible in your opinion. Right? @GreyCarpet

I have my opinion for other reasons.

My father cut off his siblings when I was an early teen as he had a huge falling out with them (when his mum died) and I 'lost' all that side of my extended family.

I have aunts, uncles and cousins (some have died but not all) who I lost contact with.

At the time, I wasn't told why he'd cut contact (until I was much older.)

By then, it was too late for me to resurrect any contact as they had moved away.

My mum on the other hand, who is now in her late 80s, is still trying (through social media) to get in touch with her nephews and nieces as she regrets losing touch. My dad died some years ago.

That's the other side.

The OP's kids should be allowed as older children or adults to make their own choices.