I told my daughter my parents died

[1Dream]

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

That was an awful thing to say.
You have to apologise and explain they are alive.
Don't confuse that explanation with an unburdening about why you're NC. That will be difficult for her to understand and could put into her head that if we don't like our parents or they treat us badly , then they die. That could give her anxiety about what happens to you if she doesn't like you one day.

Yeah, I wouldn't have said this after only 3 years of no contact! It's been said now though. So now you need to deal with it.

My MIL had no contact with her brother from about 10 years before DH was born to when he and his brother and sister were 7-12 y.o... Then they made it up after 20-odd years, and she told them she had a brother. They were shocked, but also chuffed they had an uncle (his dad is an only child,) and also 3 cousins around the same age.

His mother had never told DH (and his brother and sister,) that her brother was dead though. Just never mentioned him, said she was an only child, and removed any photos with him in.

Don't envy you @1Dream this is going to be hard to come back from. As a few others have said, you will literally have to 100% tell her the truth. You fell out, and didn't want any contact as they are not nice people, so regrettably told her they were dead. But they're not. Just tell her you said it as you couldn't think of anything else to say at the time. She will understand. Children are smarter than we realise!

I hope you're OK. And I hope it all works out all right. ❤

@Choconut

Your first reaction was to lie to her OP. In light of what you say about your parents I'd think about that.

What do you mean by that?

This is good advice, as someone who's finding the strength to go NC. I can imagine how difficult it is.

There will be a right time to have the discussion again with your DD and I believe she will understand.

I agree with the posters that say it's important to correct this.
I would sit her down, apologise that you said something that wasn't true because you were caught off guard and then explain that they were not good people / bullies so you were not able to stay in touch with them.
Don't use the words "they weren't kind to me" or "they were unkind" as those are words she will hear often - there will be times she's not been kind to friends or them to her and there will be times that you are unkind to her or her to you and you don't want her to be anxious that this means there can be no further contact.
Make it a bigger thing (they as people were bad not just bits of behaviour) but a short conversation that doesn't need too much detail.

You need to tell her the truth, or a child friendly version of it. It's appalling to tell her they have died. Three years is very recent still tbh, it sounds like they met her? So they might have photos of her with them. She might find them when she is an adult, they could try and use this to turn her against you and you'd have no defence for what you've done. She'll ask for details like when did they die and not be able to find any record of it.

For what it's worth, I am NC with my DF. Have been for 14 years, so not far off half my life. DD has not yet asked about him but when she does I will tell her that not everybody gets on, sometimes relationships don't work out whether that's family ones, romantic ones or friendships. And it's one that didn't work well so we aren't in touch anymore. My DF was an abusive parent and has very severe MH issues, so it is far more complex than just not getting on, but that's adequate for a young child.

My DC are 6 and 5. We don’t see MIL as she was very abusive to Dh as a child and he is only in contact with her via very occasional email. Eldest DS has asked once if he has a mum and where she is and DH just said she isn’t a very nice person so we don’t see her. He accepted that and has never asked again!

@1Dream

Right, I'm going to 'fess up that I have only read pages 1 and 7 of this thread, so apologies if this has already been suggested.......
I don't think you've done anything awful or horrible - you were caught off-guard and maybe panicked.
Is there room for a compromise here?
Say that it's been such a very long time since you had any contact with or from your parents, that you thought they may have died. Tbh, I've often wondered if people I've had no contact with for years were still alive and kicking.
And then say you have found out that they're still around, but explain why, maybe in not-too-graphic terms, why you have no contact with them?
So, you will truthfully say they are still alive, truthfully say why there is no contact, and rescue yourself from a lie you wish you hadn't told, but I can understand why you did.
Just a suggestion.......

I think you handled an unexpected moment just fine. Sorry you had to have that experience in childhood. I think going back to it immediately might make it more than it is for her right now, but I can understand you not wanting to just leave it. Do what feels right.

Yeah, you need to fix this today.

You just need to tell her the truth in an age-appropriate way. Apologise for lying. It's a good thing to be able to admit when you have dealt with something badly.

She will find out someday, and she is not going to thank you for lying to her.

I don't see my dad, he was abusive. I can't remember a defining moment when my children asked about him. I guess I spoke about not seeing him since they were tiny, in an age-appropriate way. Probably when talking about their other Grandparents or something.

No I wouldn’t have lied to her either sorry OP.

I think you are setting her up for much confusion and upset when she's older. Why not be honest and tell her that you just don't see them?

Ah I read it asothers father, apologies

I'd put her straight. Sat they've not died but that you don't see them because they were unkind to you as a child.

@Crumpetdisappointment I completely disagree.

I still think it’s an awful read and as OP is already anxious and upset she may well focus on the negative comments more, despite the fact there are fewer of them.

There really are awful posts on here. In separate posts:

• One Implying Op is Narcissistic
• It will come back to bite you
• “there is no need to involve her in your attitude towards your parents.” (Her ‘attitude’ is because they abused her her!)
• “THE TRUTH OR HISTORY WILL REPEAT.”
• “these supposed unkind relatives.”
• “I think that was a really terrible thing to do” (after OP has already acknowledged she made a mistake)
• “You as an adult made your choice on it, but as your children grow up they might want to make a different choice (and there is always hope your parents might change too.)” (not a sensitive thing to say to someone about their abusers)
• “An enormous lie that will eventually catch up with you.” (Again, OP has already acknowledged this and will rectify it before it ‘catches up’)
• “You were wrong. She’ll find out and feel very betrayed.” (Quite far into the thread. Not at all constructive)
• “Your first reaction was to lie to her OP. In light of what you say about your parents I'd think about that.” (Implying Op is also abusive - nice)

• “Dear god, lying that people died,”
• “That was an awful thing to say.”
• “No I wouldn’t have lied to her either sorry OP.” (So bloody unhelpful on page 7)

Plus repeated people telling her how wrong she was. I stand by my opinion that this is an awful read for a victim of parental abuse.
There have been some lovely posts too thankfully.

I'm loving (not) the responses saying that the OP is awful, that the lie was appalling, that it is toxic. It's oh so easy to say when it's not your situation and you're behind a keyboard.

OP you said it on the spur of the moment when you were caught off guard. Cuddle her at bedtime and gently tell her that you couldn't think of a better way to explain when she asked. But now you've had time to think about it, this is what really happened. I like the idea of using bullying to explain in a way that a 5yo can understand, without having to go into detail. Use your voice rather than words to convey how serious the bullying was.

Good luck.

This is just awful. There are no words to describe how awful.

do not burden this child with your parents bullied you. She’s five. For gods sake. That’s a discussion you can have when she’s older .

this poor child. Her mother looks her in the eye and tells her her grandparents are dead and now posters are like yeah tell her you lied and explain just how awful they were.

how fucking traumatic would That be

just say yohmade a mistake as you’d not seen them for a long time , and tag you had a bit of a falling out.five year olds don’t need more and certainly not to hear how their mother was abused.

God some really awful posters here!
The OP sounds nothing like her parents and clearly regrets her decision in the first post which is full of emotion. Fuck off the lot of you.

You were caught off guard OP but correct it now, then it's done and at that age they'll just say "okay" and get on with what they were doing.

This is just awful. There are no words to describe how awful.

those words pretty much apply to your post.

Oh my god, this in spades. In fact i'd have still been in contact with my mother even now despite all the childhood abuse if she hadn't tried to hurt one of my kids. That was my red line. I was used to her abuse, water off a ducks back to me as an adult. I was thinking about it the other day and I never so much as raised my voice to the woman for as far back as I can remember.

I don't think what you have done is 'awful', like some posters are saying.

Do you ever intend to have contact with them again?

If not, I would honestly just leave it. Your daughter has two loving grandparents.

I grew up thinking my maternal grandfather was dead. In reality, he was a shitbag who had abandoned my mum and grandmother. He actually died when I was in my teens, but none of us found out until much later, including my mum. They were estranged, completely.

I'm not 'traumatised' by my mum saying he was dead. It was her story, her trauma. I have enough respect for her and her feelings to recognise that she told me that as a way of not having to go into the horrible details both for mine and her sake.

I’d correct that. She’s young enough that she will probably be briefly confused but forget you ever said it. I’d keep the story as close to the truth as you can.

It’s pretty awful to do this but fixable. Important not to project your issues with your parents and that relationship on to her. You may need to accept as well that one day when she is older she may want to see or speak to her grandparents.

I don’t have a relationship with my dad, I met him for the first time when I was 24, nearly 12 years ago. Things went well for a while then I realised what an awful person he is and we are now NC. My 6 year old has asked where my dad is, I’ve told him he’s not a nice man and that’s why we don’t see him.

You have decided to speak to your daughter, hope it goes as well as possible.