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Original poster

I told my daughter my parents died

195 replies

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:06

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 29/01/2023 06:34

Bring it into a random conversation that they’re still alive but that you don’t see them. Try not to get into major details as to the reason though, she doesn’t need to know and at that age, as you saw by her reaction, she’ll just nod and move on.

WestBridgewater · 29/01/2023 06:37

Could you say you were thinking about your chat the other day and you made a mistake in that you thought she meant your grandparents and you’ve just realised your error.

bowlingalleyblues · 29/01/2023 06:45

We told our children “grandparent was an very unkind person and so we don’t see them”. The reason is DV but we haven’t elaborated and they haven’t asked why. They may have more questions when they are older, but for now they are barely interested in hearing about family history etc so it’s not come up much.

kateandme · 29/01/2023 06:47

3487642l · 29/01/2023 04:19

You can correct it by telling your dd you did the wrong thing and told her a lie and you're sorry you did it. You're telling her because you want to tell her the truth. The truth is your mum and dad hurt you and treated you badly when you were little. It's not ok for mums and dads to do that, which is why you don't see them. If she asks questions you aren't ready to answer or are not age appropriate just say you can tell her more when she is older.

Yes something like this.
Explain how you suddenly got panicked because of how much hurt there was.
Your dd will be rightly or wrongly angry at you if she finds out you lied.
It will negate anything they've done to you. At a time when she is older and gave the ability to explain she would instead be on there side demanding yo no them! You will be the baddy.
Knowing about where you come from,who your family are is huge for a kid growing up. And I've always always seen them react badly to being lied to about this.
Find a way but do it quick.

Crumpetdisappointment · 29/01/2023 06:48

i wouldnt say they were unkind,
just say they live a long way away.

there is no need to involve her in your attitude towards your parents.

Anycrispsleft · 29/01/2023 06:49

When this came up for me I told my kids we didn't see their gran because she acted like a bully. That's a concept most school aged kids will understand and it brings over the idea that the abuse was sustained, habitual, not just a one-off episode of bad behaviour. I was worried at the time that they would pick up the idea that you should ditch people if they ever behave badly, but I don't think it works like that - kids learn from your actions, not your words. When they see you being kind to them, and to the people around them that, that will be what they learn from you.

Zatroya · 29/01/2023 06:53

I think some of the PPs are being pretty harsh here.

Look in an idea world you shouldn't lie to your kids, but she's 5, it's not the end of the world - and you don't need to apologise like some have said you need to 🙄

I'd be tempted to do what someone has suggested, and explain it away as if you made a mistake - and then just tell her that you don't see them anymore.

I'm lucky my father died before I had a child, but in all honesty I'd have told them the same thing if they'd got to an age where they'd have asked.

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 06:56

No it’s never the right thing to lie to someone about death. At some point you’ll presumably have to tell the truth.

Allytheapple · 29/01/2023 07:05

I agree with others on here. It is very soon after she asked so go back with an age appropriate truth to her. Distorting her reality will affect her life in ways you can’t anticipate. Where possible always tell the truth. It is so difficult. I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 07:08

I’m not sure how you come back from this, to have told her her grandparents were dead when they are not, I’m sorry but that’s awful. I’m shocked evreryone is going oh no biggie.

I think you need to now tell her the truth and also tell her that lying isn’t ok and that mummy is sorry for doing it.

Chilliee · 29/01/2023 07:12

I wouldn't tell her you lied, that's teaching her that lying is ok. I'd tell her you were mistaken and thought she meant someone else. She's young enough to not connect the dots.

Oysterbabe · 29/01/2023 07:14

I think that was definitely the wrong thing to do. There was no need to lie.

knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 07:14

This will come back and bite you. What were you thinking? You need to find a gentle way to correct that ASAP.

rwalker · 29/01/2023 07:16

Not ideal but correct it
say you used the wrong word when you said died
what you meant is you fell out so like when someone dies you never see them again

keep it very simple and don’t make a big deal of it

Talapia · 29/01/2023 07:16

Just say, we don't see them because they aren't right for our family.. Don't be drawn in further information. If you use words like unkind, she may worry that if she's told offf by you, you won't want to see her.

Kids take things very literally. They also tend to announce things in school to help them process it, so he prepared for her to do this

Don't beat yourself up though, you were put on the spot.

GoodChat · 29/01/2023 07:18

At some point she's going to start asking you more questions about them.

Tell her the truth now before you have to tell her more lies in future.

Kennykenkencat · 29/01/2023 07:22

I would say that when you told her that your parents had died you did so because they were to you dead as you don’t see them as they weren’t very nice people

That way it looks like a mistake in how you explained things

NEmama · 29/01/2023 07:25

Yabvu to lie especially about people being dead.

What if you bump into them.

Oh I'm sorry darling we don't see them much anymore would have been far more appropriate.
If asked why then say oh we fell out .
Age appropriate.

BogRollBOGOF · 29/01/2023 07:25

I'd correct it the next time there's a natural opportunity to talk about families, rather than forcing it into the conversation.

Children build their understanding in layers. DH and I both lost parents long before DCs, I've lost other relatives at a fairly young age and I have a complex family. It's all been talked about bit by bit over the years and detail added as their understanding grows.

Distance is a poor reason to give. Children see families all over the world and stay in touch with phones/ videos/ messaging.

Bullying is a better age appropriate way to describe and better than "unkind"

Cosmos123 · 29/01/2023 07:28

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:07

Gosh not sure why there's big gaps sorry!

Tell her the truth.

Go back and say we don't see them because they made me sad.
THE TRUTH OR HISTORY WILL REPEAT.

Crumpetdisappointment · 29/01/2023 07:28

then in 10 years when she falls out with you she may search out these supposed unkind relatives.
just say you made a mistake and thought she was talking about someone else.
no need to share your feelings. they are your parents and her grandparents.

Allytheapple · 29/01/2023 07:31

Crumpetdisappointment · 29/01/2023 07:28

then in 10 years when she falls out with you she may search out these supposed unkind relatives.
just say you made a mistake and thought she was talking about someone else.
no need to share your feelings. they are your parents and her grandparents.

I’m not sure why you used the word “supposed” here. If the OP had to go NC you can be guaranteed it wasn’t a decision taken lightly. People have all kinds of adverse experiences in childhood and sometimes these experiences require adults to walk away from their parents. Shaming someone by questioning their experiences is not a nice thing to do.

InsomniacVampire · 29/01/2023 07:33

Ladybug14 · 29/01/2023 05:48

Be careful saying 'they weren't nice to me so we don't speak any more'

That might be a pattern your daughter follows for little arguments with friends which wouldn't be good

I'd say that although your parents are alive you don't see them or speak to them any more and they live a long way away.
I'd try not to go into detail because she's too young to understand imo

But then if people are not kind why speak to them?

Crumpetdisappointment · 29/01/2023 07:33

@Allytheapple this would be in the mind of the dc

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2023 07:37

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:33

@3487642l That's great advice. ❤
@lborgia she really did catch me off guard, I wasn't expecting her to ask about them and to be honest I didn't think about her asking about my parents when I went nc with them 3 years ago, that's a great thing to say I will remember that for next time then I can come back to her with a better answer.

Absolutely, I think you are all right I will tell her in a kid friendly way that they were not nice to me so we don't speak to them anymore when she gets home!
My kids left to visit their Nana with their dad and I'm off to a concert tonight so I won't get to see her until the morning so will have to speak to her then.

You can’t remember this for next time. You need to tell your dd today. It is vital your dd knows we don’t lie, especially about really important things like this. Remember little kids do not stay little forever and what you’re telling her today is shaping how she will see the world in the future.

Just sit your dd down and explain you didn’t know what to say because you aren’t talking to them at the moment because not all grown ups are kind (or whatever your explanation is) and you didn’t know how to explain that to her yesterday. Now you’ve thought about it you can tell her the truth. They’re alive, however, you just don’t see them.

You may see them at some stage at a family funeral, some other function or in the street. The last thing you want your dd to say, “mummy told me you’re dead”. One day, they will die and you may feel a lot of grief. Your dd may feel betrayed if you tell her at that point they’re dead.