I told my daughter my parents died

[1Dream]

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

I think that was a really terrible thing to do and you need to correct it as soon as possible.

My mother was NC with her own mother and by extension her father but it was really her mother she had the main problem with. I never got to know my grandparents but I always knew they were alive (until they genuinely weren’t). I don’t even know how I would feel had my mother lied and said they were dead, but I don’t think I could have forgiven a lie like that.

Awwww OP don’t worry about it, this is fixable.

You have been through a lot and sounds like you just said what fell less painful and complicated in the moment To be honest I think she is ready to heard a VERY soft version of the truth.

Kids take things on board really easily as long as it’s not scary or will play on her mind. I would just take her somewhere for a special moment like a nice walk in nature and say

“ you know how mummy told you, that mummy’s mummy and daddy died? I well they didn’t die but they weren’t very nice to mummy when she was a little girl like you, so mummy doesn’t see them anymore but that’s not how normal mummy’s and daddy’s behave so you mustn’t worry as we’ll always be there for you and love you so much!”

Or something like that!

You told her that your parents had died you did so because they were to you dead

This was one of thoughts of getting round this lie. However, I wouldn’t do this tbh because this is giving a template to follow. In the playground if she falls out with a friend or even op when she’s a teen and says ‘you’re dead to me’, that’s going to cause a lot of issues.

Just an explanation that you got caught off guard is far better. The simpler and closest to the truth.

saying they aren’t right sounds very fickle though? Like they were easily let go of.

Like “these curtains aren’t right for our living room”

• my thoughts

Agree with this, keep it simple, soft and factual but suitable for a 5 year old not to carry it on their shoulders.

Our situation growing up was a little different, my mother didn't give up on trying to maintain contact with my father's parents until after his father died when I was primary school aged (his mother lived a good 30 years longer I think). We lived hundreds of miles away, and further away from my maternal grandmother.

I recall, when we were learning proverbs at school, my mother pointing out that "out of sight, out of mind", and "distance makes the heart grow fonder" rather aptly described our two grandmothers.

I agree with the others saying you should tell her you were wrong, but also you must tell her asap. You can't wait for 'next time' as there may be no next time, why should she ask again now you have told her they are dead.
Secrets and lies in families are not good ideas.

You definitely need to undo this, but little children are hugely accepting. If you tell her in passing one day that oh I made a mistake, that gran and gramps are alive but they are far away and we cant see them. She’s sure to accept that and unlikely to ask more than one or two questions.
Otherwise how would it reflect on you when she finds out the truth when she’s older?

Glad you are going to tell her the truth. I would keep it simple and factual.

When she finds out, and she will one day, she will know you lied to her. That’s not good.

Oh that is a pretty big lie.

I would say you got confused and thought she meant someone else.

I would just say that they live far away so we don't see them often. I don't think I'd go on to saying that they were horrible etc. I wouldn't think that she'd need to know that at 5.

You need to undo this asap! No more lies, just an apology for lying to her and a factual age appropriate explanation.
I'm totally surprised that a lot of posters on here are minimising this and saying it's no big deal!

Because there are different degrees of 'not kind' and at 5 years old, a little girl won't have the cognitive capacity to distinguish between one level and another.

My mother said it about my father.

By the time I found out he hadn't died when I was a baby, he was dead. Not abusive, not a drunk or an addict, my mother just hated him.

I had the exact situation. I told my Ds my mum was not nice to me.

It is an unexpected question. I would correct it. I would have probably answered differently if i had sat and thought how to explain.

I would say sorry. You didn't know how to explain. Say you didnt want her to think about people been mean to you but it was wrong to say that and you are very happy with the family you now have.

I'm really sorry for what you sent through with your parents. And I'm sorry that some posters don't have sympathy for that - there's always some who think parents can do no wrong.

You're right that you need to correct this lie, while it's still small - lies grow and become toxic to grow up around. I think the description of them as a "bully", suggested by a PP, if you feel it fits, might be the simplest for your DC to grasp.

The opinions here are pretty aligned that you have to correct this.

Another reason is that, once you have had to address the topic of death with a child this age, it won't go away. My mum died 6 months ago and my 5 year old asks a lot of "out if nowhere" questions about it

Just correct it now or one day she'll be the one saying you were emotionally abusive.

She's only five. You can easily put this right.
"You know when we were talking about grandparents the other day, mummy was silly and thought you were talking about my grandparents who have died.
But I now realise you were talking about yours. They are still alive but live too far away for us to see them. Sorry I got muddled up.
Would you like a hot chocolate......"

I think PPs are being a bit harsh. After you go NC it can feel like someone has died and just feels an easier way to think about the situation (I spent 3 years grieving my mother who, I assume, is still alive).
This has come up once with my 5 year old. In this circumstance I just said we don’t talk anymore and I don’t know where she lives and we moved on. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that really.

I don’t think you need to be apologising for lying because that’s not exactly what’s happened here, but yes I think it’s best to just correct it. It’s probably better to just breezily say you were wrong and actually they just live far away and leave it at that. At that age they are going to overthink it more than that and you can start preparing for a better, more age appropriate answer for a few years time.

No. You shouldn’t have lied. How will she trust other things you say when she finds out (and she will). Tell her you made a mistake. Tell her the truth that your parents weren’t kind to you and hurt you and that’s why you don’t see them. Kids understand more than you think. Let her ask questions

I think she’s young enough that you can right this without there being future repercussions. Say you made a mistake telling her they were dead but you don’t really see them (for whatever reasons). I grew up knowing my mum was NC with her own parents so they were never my ‘grandparents’ as such and I didn’t give it any more thought than that and didn’t feel I was missing out on anything.

You were wrong.

The other thing is, do you want to control who your child can see as they grow up?

I appreciate your parents and you don't get on, but is it fair to pass that experience onto your child(ren)?

Are they going to have the chance to make contact with their grandparents in the future and make their own choices?

I can hear you screaming 'Noooooo' but in all honesty it's something you might think about. You as an adult made your choice on it, but as your children grow up they might want to make a different choice (and there is always hope your parents might change too.)

Please don’t minimise child abuse!!!!!!

There is a huge difference between not getting on and being emotional and physically abused. And yes in this case she should control who her kids see.

Your reply is offensive.

OP, I think you need to gently unpick this if you can. You could just say that you spoke a bit too quickly but your parents are alive but live very very far away. Or if she can handle it, tell her that sometimes families are not close to each other and don't see each other. Something like that!

I say this only because the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to unpick when she gets older. It may well prompt a bunch of questions at first but I think it's going to make your life easier in the long run if you're honest now. Sorry that you're going through this.