I told my daughter my parents died

[1Dream]

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing!

She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good

The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me.

So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

I think that lie will bite you in the arse one day. Kids aren't stupid and as she gets older the lie will come to light. You could have just said "we don't see them because they aren't very nice to me", a 5yo would take that at face value and as she got older and more able to understand you cod explain further (without going into details obviously). By lying you've made it impossible for it not to be a very difficult conversation one day.

I understand these things are difficult - my mum died by suicide and I don't know if or how I will ever explain that to my daughter's (luckily neither of them remember her as it happened when eldest was tiny). I've told the eldest she died and she's never asked how. When she does I'll be in your position of not wanting to share such horrible things with an innocent child, but also not wanting to lie and damage her trust in me down the line. I think I will do my best to tell the most limited version of the truth I can get away with and expand as their growing understanding demands.

Or like you we can chose to be obtuse for the sake of it.

For the record, I meant that kids can misinterpret anything and everything. If you think of every step you make as it can have a devastating effect on the little soul, may as well not have kids at all. Or you can treat them with respect and give them chances to make mistakes. And yes, if kids stop talking to each other for a few days it's not the end of a blooming world.

I am no contact with all my relatives.

But I would not lie about it to my kids or to friends.

Because she probably will find out when she is older and will resent you for lying.

It would have been better to say that they are not nice people and therefore you are protecting yourself and her by not having them in your life.

It actually was a big issue with my toxic parents: constant lying and manipulation about everything, family issues and history being one of them.

I only learn very late in life that my mother was an illegitimate child for example as my grandfather (who I never even met) kept two families, one with his wife and one with his mistress. She just lied to me to say that the fact she had a different surname from him was due to a mistake at the registry office...

My father also had no relationship with both his parents. I was never told why he never saw his father or brother.

I think it is really difficult to be lied to about your family origins and it gave me a sense of not really knowing where I came from and what our history was.

I think it contributed to me distancing myself from my relatives in adulthood.

I did the same. I do worry they will be angry I didn’t tell the truth but from a safety perspective it was for their own good and that’s my number one priority.

Your first reaction was to lie to her OP. In light of what you say about your parents I'd think about that.

I faced a similar dilemma and I was tempted to lie and say that my mother was dead (well, she is to me and has been for 35 years) but I thought that it was a too bigger secret to keep and expect others to do the same. I explained to both of my DC's that some people are really lucky and have lovely parents but some people don't and that when parents are cruel/nasty then it's best not to see them because they hurt you. I think eldest DC was about 6 when this raised it's head. He did meet her several times and had actually already decided that he didn't like her because of how she was with him which was very telling. Luckily she only met the youngest once (she was 7) who just thought that she was another elderly relative that she didn't know (true) and was unfazed by mother's apparently intrusive questions about me etc and then promptly forgot all about it anyway. As they've gotten older they have asked about it. I've always answered their questions in a factual age appropriate way and once they reached about 10 I offered the option of meeting their grandmother if they wished it - neither have wanted to and both can see, now knowing all the details, that she is undeserving of their time or concern or love.

In your case OP, I would correct your lie now while it's fresh in your DC's memory and explain why in a way that they understand. At 5 they are able to understand good & bad. I said to my DC's that my mother wasn't a good mother and continues to cause hurt and that as a parent it is my job to protect them from harm. Your DC will understand. My DC have suffered absolutely no harm in not having my mother in their lives but I genuinely believe that they would have done if they'd had contact.

I don’t think you should have lied. A simple honest explanation would have been better and avoid telling such a big lie. What is she going to think when she finds out the truth. That is a pretty horrible lie to tell regardless of the backstory.

We are non contact with DH family and when asked we simply told them we don’t see them anymore because we don’t get along.

It's never the right choice to lie about things like this. At 5 she is old enough to be told and understand an age-appropriate version of the truth.

Although they are your parents, they are also her grandparents who are a part of her history and family tree in their own right. As such, she deserves to know why they aren't part of her life.

Both sides of our family are fractured by various arguments, abandonments, and toxic relationships. It's made all the more harmful for the younger generations (some of whom, like your daughter, weren't even aware of or in some cases alive when the original events happened) when they aren't told the truth or, worse, are lied to. They are expected to live with the fallout but aren't treated with the basic decency of an explanation. Clearly I'm projecting here but it feels relevant to your situation.

We have a rule in our house that if the kids ask a question, they get a truthful (age-appropriate) answer. Sometimes the conversations are challenging but DH and I learned the hard way that family secrets and lies always hurt.

My DP is no contact with his parents.

We told the kids the truth suitable to their age, but we made it a lesson.

We basically said that his mum and dad are not nice people and it is ok to walk away from people who are not healthy for you, for your mental health and make you sad. It doesn't matter who it is. We explained that daddy tried to talk to them about it. You can't force people to change, but you can choose to walk away.

If you child brings it up again, maybe explain to her that they didn't die, but you don't see them. Don't keep up the lie.

Children don't hate their parents for no reason. You may not know the reason but there will be a reason.

@Choconut what a nasty post. Your first thought is to imply that OP is being abusive towards her child by lying rather than trying to protect her child by lying.
You vile person. I suffered abuse and try so hard to protect my children from the same. OP knows she shouldn’t have lied and is going to correct it. That isn’t what an abusive parent would do. Her instinct to lie came from fear and probably also trauma.

You seem to be getting a lot of flack for lying to a 5 year old! You panicked and said the first thing that came into your head. I'm glad you're going to have a conversation as per the suggestion on page 1/2, but don't beat yourself up about it. You sound like a lovely concerned mum.

Genuine question - how is it safer?

She's not talking about children and parents; she's talking about her mother and father (ex partners/spouses).

Dear god, lying that people died, of course it’s not a good thing!!

@1Dream I am sorry people have been so awful on this thread.
You know you need to rectify the situation with the truth and I am sure you will do that sensitively. Anyone who has replied on this thread and hasn’t had an abusive parent themselves has NO IDEA what it is like. Please try to ignore their comments 💐

I am in a very similar situation with narcissistic and abusive parents who I am now NC with. My older DD is 5
and remembers them so I had to explain it to her quite carefully. I was seeing a therapist and so discussed it a lot and she recommended explaining to her ‘my parents were very unkind to me and I kept trying to make up with them but they didn’t want to and wouldn’t say sorry’ etc. She said it was important to focus on the fact that they had kept on being mean, didn’t want to make up etc so that DD didn’t think I would just stop talking to her if she did something wrong! For several months she asked about them frequently and I just kept repeating this story, not giving too much detail but keeping to basic, age appropriate facts.

My younger DD has never met them but when she is old enough to ask and understand I would repeat the same to her.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a difficult and delicate path to tread. If you can access a therapist to talk through some of this and how to address with your DC, I found it extremely helpful and validating x

there hasnt been much awfulness tbh

That's terrible advice because the OP would be substituting one lie with another.

@Crumpetdisappointment I will find you the awful quotes I was referring to. At least 6 or 7, probably more. That is more than enough for a mum who is a victim of childhood abuse, is already feeling guilty and acknowledges she made a mistake.

Also, in terms of backtracking on saying that they were dead, I would just explain it to her. Something like ‘when you asked me about my parents I was worried about what to say and so I told you they were dead. I’m sorry for saying that because it isn’t true. They are alive but I haven’t seen them
for a long time because they were very unkind to me etc.’
You have nothing to feel bad about. You did your best in a panicked situation to try to protect yourself and your DC from an extremely sad situation. For people who grew up in ‘normal’ or happy homes it’s extremely difficult to understand how not having this sort of family affects your life particularly once you have your own DC. Sending hugs

6 or 7 quotes out of pages and pages,
most people are offering solutions, 99% are offering solutions.

This.

And don’t tell her that it’s because they live far away or any other lie. That will just result in her feeling rejected, that they can’t be bothered to visit, or fantasising / romanticising about them.

Telling her the truth will give her an idea of boundaries, and the importance of people treating others well.

Tell her that the first time she asked you said they had died because it is hard for you to think about the truth, but you want her to know. Maybe.

It's very wrong to lie to your children. It is in itself a toxic behaviour and she won't forgive you for lying to her when she finds out.
It's better to say that they weren't kind people and so you don't see them any more.

P.S OP, really sorry you were treated like that in childhood. You are being a good Mum. Unlike abusive parents you are reflecting and appraising your own behaviour and thinking how to now give your Dd the best understanding.

Don’t beat yourself up. We all come out with stuff we later reflect on, and you didn’t even have emotionally safe parents as a role model to learn from. You can sort this.