Page 8 | I told my daughter my parents died

1Dream · 2023-01-29T04:06:58+00:00

My daughter is 5 years old. Today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I told her they died. Now I'm not sure that was the right thing! She understands people and/or animals die. We are close to my husbands parents they are the only grandparents she knows. So today she asked me where my mum and dad were and I said that they died and she asked how old were they and I said that they were old then she smiled and said oh ok well my Nana Nana grandpa are alive so that's good The truth is they are very much alive and we havent spoken to them or seen them for 3 years so she wouldnt remember them at all. I went NC with them after remembering how physically and emotionally abusive they were towards me when I was a child. Then as I grew up and had my own children they became narcissistic and would gas light and pick fights with me over anything. I got so sick of being upset that I cut contact with them. I didn't want my kids seeing their behaviour towards me. So I said they died now I'm not sure if that's the right thing... what if in the future we one day get in contact and my daughter remembers me saying they died. Now what?! I couldn't think of anything quickly than to say they died.

Original poster

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:06

Thanks everyone for your in put its all very helpful. I spoke to her today and said to her that mummy is sorry for lying but my mum and dad aren't dead but they weren't very nice people to mummy to which she asked if they were mean to me as a child and I said yes and that I had to make a very adult decision to not see them because I want nice people around you and your sister.
She stopped for a second to think then told me she loved me and i was a good mummy who wasnt mean so was happy to not have mean people in her house. And said that her Nana and sister were nice so they can come and play in her room 🤣

And that was the end of that conversation for her and she seemed happy with my answer.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 30/01/2023 13:10

I think thatvwas very unwise. You should have said they lived far away. Or told the truth and said you weren't friends. But I prefer far away. That could mean anything and can be changed.

Original poster

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:26

Just to answer some posters, my parents were very abusive as a child. My dad was an alcoholic and wouldnt speak a word to us unless he was yelling at us about something such as enjoying ourselves and laughing, everything had to be dead quiet when he got home from work. He would take his frustration out on me and my sisters the slightest thing would set him off and he would hit and beat us and my mother mostly sat there not doing anything to prevent it or would sometimes encourage it by standing there laughing especially if she noticed we werent crying enough she would tell him to hit us harder.

I remember once when i was 12 I accidentally dropped the TV remote and the remote case came off and he beat me so hard against the wall then threw me outside down the stairs and my mum told him to bring me inside quickly "before the neighbours see". Then I peed on myself while getting beaten and they made me sleep in my clothes then the next morning laughed at me for peeing on myself.

I was constantly beaten up until i was about 15 because of my dads anger and alcoholic issues.

I moved out at 18 years with my boyfriend at the time- now husband and my mum would pick fights over everything and anything and I grew tired so with nc until I had my 5 year old at 24 then in between then she would pick fights here and there which I mostly ignored until 3 years ago when they decided they didn't want to come to a big life event for me but would send me horrible messages telling me I should kill myself the day before this event which I finally just had enough and realised that they added no value to my life.

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passingthru · 30/01/2023 13:45

have never felt compelled to comment on a thread before until I saw this one

my mum did this to me (except about my dads parents, with his consent)

we found out many years later and I have always been grateful to her for having done this, they were vile, my life was better without them and given all she was going through, if that was the approach that made her life a little easier at the time then I am very pleased.

so I think you have done the right thing

HappyBinosaur · 30/01/2023 13:53

@1Dream 💐

Original poster

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:56

@passingthru That's a nice message thank you. I hope she thinks I was doing the right thing by her and her sister when they get older.

It's 12am where I live so it's the only chance I get to jump on here when my daughters go to bed! But I have read everyone's comments and appreciate everyone being positive. I was truly caught off guard when she asked me that but I'm glad I brought it up again with her and was surprised with how well she acknowledged it then she carried on doing something else

OP posts:

Esmereldapawpatrol · 30/01/2023 14:01

My parents have actually died and I have always been honest and open with my DC about it.

You have lied though and at some point you will have to tell your DC. Your reasons for cutting contact are completely understandable and trying to explain it to a 5 year old would be tricky so I get why you said what you did. Maybe think about how you want to approach it in a few years when they are older and able to understand why they are dead to you, but not actually dead.

Allytheapple · 30/01/2023 15:01

❤️@1Dream

RedHelenB · 30/01/2023 15:06

Sounds like you set the record straight perfectly with your dd. I hope you feel better about it all now and can concentrate on your own little family.

Parisj · 30/01/2023 15:43

Great outcome, and a great basis for good communication with your daughter going forwards, impressed well handled

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/01/2023 17:06

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:06

Thanks everyone for your in put its all very helpful. I spoke to her today and said to her that mummy is sorry for lying but my mum and dad aren't dead but they weren't very nice people to mummy to which she asked if they were mean to me as a child and I said yes and that I had to make a very adult decision to not see them because I want nice people around you and your sister.
She stopped for a second to think then told me she loved me and i was a good mummy who wasnt mean so was happy to not have mean people in her house. And said that her Nana and sister were nice so they can come and play in her room 🤣

And that was the end of that conversation for her and she seemed happy with my answer.

This was really well handled OP. I'm so impressed at how far you've come, from some horrible experiences in childhood.

I love this: "And said that her Nana and sister were nice so they can come and play in her room 🤣" she is already developing a healthy understanding of boundaries.

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 30/01/2023 18:05

That sounds like a really healthy outcome OP! So glad you told her the truth, now it won't be weighing on you any more.

Crumpetdisappointment · 30/01/2023 19:22

well done op @1Dream
good work

AliceOlive · 30/01/2023 20:34

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:06

Thanks everyone for your in put its all very helpful. I spoke to her today and said to her that mummy is sorry for lying but my mum and dad aren't dead but they weren't very nice people to mummy to which she asked if they were mean to me as a child and I said yes and that I had to make a very adult decision to not see them because I want nice people around you and your sister.
She stopped for a second to think then told me she loved me and i was a good mummy who wasnt mean so was happy to not have mean people in her house. And said that her Nana and sister were nice so they can come and play in her room 🤣

And that was the end of that conversation for her and she seemed happy with my answer.

What a lovely, sweet child. Her response is so heartwarming. Thank you for sharing it with us.

LiftWithS · 30/01/2023 21:17

@1Dream you're a fabulous Mum and what a little sweetheart your daughter is.

I gasped at your upbringing. What tossers your parents are.

3487642l · 31/01/2023 00:22

Parisj · 30/01/2023 15:43

Great outcome, and a great basis for good communication with your daughter going forwards, impressed well handled

I second this!

You are building a great foundation for your relationship with your daughter, and she responded so beautifully!

JeepersCreepersWheredYaGetThosePeepers · 31/01/2023 00:29

My friend has lied to her son about things like this.

She could have easily told him the truth when he was younger but felt she couldn't go back on the lie.

Now she's got herself in a complete mess. When her son finds out the truth, which he will, it will cause a huge breakdown in their relationship.

JudgeRudy · 31/01/2023 00:33

1Dream · 29/01/2023 04:13

I'm absolutely kicking myself and should have just said they love very far away so we can't speak to them or something in that sense.

Gosh I know its terrible to think i have lied to her.

That's actually one of the reasons why I went nc with them, because I wanted to be a better parent than them, being attentive and showing love and affection towards my kids and not how they treated me.

There's a massive difference. You did something in the heat of the moment but already you're reflecting on your behaviour and trying to makecthings better. You did a stupid thing because you panicked.
Maybe say later you have found out they're not dead but they're very old so they will be soon. If child asks to see them say Oh no. They're not very kind people that's why I'm a long way away here with daddy and you. I love my kind family.

kateandme · 01/02/2023 13:50

1Dream · 30/01/2023 13:56

@passingthru That's a nice message thank you. I hope she thinks I was doing the right thing by her and her sister when they get older.

It's 12am where I live so it's the only chance I get to jump on here when my daughters go to bed! But I have read everyone's comments and appreciate everyone being positive. I was truly caught off guard when she asked me that but I'm glad I brought it up again with her and was surprised with how well she acknowledged it then she carried on doing something else

You are incredible ❤️. For surviving. And living onwards. And for providing safety and protection for your own children. You shouldn't ever have had to go through that.im so terribly sorry. But your here.and look how much you love your daughter and she obviously loves you more and right back! Be proud.
One day.if you tell them.you will be their hero too.

Original poster

1Dream · 02/02/2023 12:57

@kateandme

That's so sweet of you thank you.
Growing up in Australia born to Indian parents it was certainly hard to change the narrative and "defy and rebel" against my parents. But I regret nothing and only hope and wish that I continue to love and treat my children the way each and every child deserves to be loved and treated

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