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AIBU?

To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?

195 replies

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 22:53

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Fraine · 25/01/2023 22:55

Amen sister

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AndyWarholsPiehole · 25/01/2023 22:55

Traditionally a baby would be given the mother's surname and because the mother was usually married and had taken her husbands name then the child would have the same surname as it's father.

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pinkfluffycushion · 25/01/2023 22:55

Agreed. Now my child has this idiots surname - to make it worse, its double barrelled, both from his dads side and I can't stand his enabling mother - yet my child has her surname also (his grandma).

I don't like my surname so giving him mine wasn't an option for me - and I was in 'love' Hmm

Lesson learnt!

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TheaBrandt · 25/01/2023 22:57

Never understood this. Enraging - men picking the best bits if the “traditional”
set up without taking any of the legal responsibility. No ring no surname matey.

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taleforthetimebeing · 25/01/2023 22:58

Totally agree we were having this exact conversation at work today

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JustAnotherManicMomday · 25/01/2023 22:59

Exactly why my eldest has mine and my youngest has both. Had split with ds1's father before he was born, spill will ds2's now. Big row over wanting him in his name I said its both or mine end of story.

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MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 22:59

AndyWarholsPiehole · 25/01/2023 22:55

Traditionally a baby would be given the mother's surname and because the mother was usually married and had taken her husbands name then the child would have the same surname as it's father.

Interesting. I never knew this. So it was effectively the choice of the mother that dictated the baby surname.

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WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

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SarahAndQuack · 25/01/2023 23:00

I'm not sure 'daft' is the right word!

The system where we recognise the ownership of women and children by men, according to surnames, it obviously pretty dodgy. But then, most people these days aren't actually using surnames to show that they're someone else's property, so ..

FWIW my DD has my name, and I never gave birth to her; her mother and I chose to hyphenate our names. Don't most people make a choice?

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NameChagaiiiin · 25/01/2023 23:00

Personally, I did it because we were engaged at the time of her early birth.

Easy enough to change her birth cert once married so we all have the same name.

But, you're absolutely right. No marriage in sight, I dunno why you would.

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Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 23:00

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

no idea why this is bothering me so much! DD has a double barrelled surname but is known by my surname

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NameChagaiiiin · 25/01/2023 23:01

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

Valid point.

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megletthesecond · 25/01/2023 23:01

Because the father had a screaming fit and insisted it was his name only and I wasn't able to stand my ground a few days after a c-section.

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CornishGem1975 · 25/01/2023 23:02

Because it's just a name and really I didn't care either way? I wasn't overly attached to my own. I don't see it as a status thing.

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RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:04

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

They could have your surname. Do you not recognise that you have a name as well, or do you just defer to the men in your life?

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Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:06

NameChagaiiiin · 25/01/2023 23:01

Valid point.

How is it a valid point when she is stating that women don’t have names. Note that she doesn’t say ‘my father in law’s name’. Oh no. Her husband’s name is absolutely his own. No, it’s just her, no name of her own, under her father’s patriarchal hand.

it’s either my name and my husbands name or my fathers name and my father in laws name. If you’re going to be rampantly sexist at least be consistent about it.

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Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:07

CornishGem1975 · 25/01/2023 23:02

Because it's just a name and really I didn't care either way? I wasn't overly attached to my own. I don't see it as a status thing.

Hahahahaha. Said all the men. With their lovely Names.

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Johnnysgirl · 25/01/2023 23:07

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later
How representative of all relationships do you think this is?

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CrazyBiscuits · 25/01/2023 23:08

Thing is, if you're married then you're not really going to give your child your surname prior to marriage are you?
Different these days where its accepted that people aren't married and you can choose to give them your surname. Unfortunately you'll still get called 'Mrs' which I have now given up being annoyed about as is a waste of good energy!

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WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 23:08

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:04

They could have your surname. Do you not recognise that you have a name as well, or do you just defer to the men in your life?

Let's play a quiz

My surname when I was born came from..... ?

So unless every creates a new surname I presume most people's came from a male?

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MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 23:09

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

If your parents aren't married you could have your mother's. If they are married then you could also have your mother's.

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Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:11

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 23:08

Let's play a quiz

My surname when I was born came from..... ?

So unless every creates a new surname I presume most people's came from a male?

Oh right okay, ‘it was really shit and sexist once, we should 100% work hard to keep it like that’ is that getting the quiz right?

Let’s play another quiz: can we change things to make shit things better? Or should we just languish under the patriarchy because it Once Was Like That So, You Know.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 25/01/2023 23:12

MademoiselleTrunchbull · Today 23:09
WandaWonder · Today 22:59
So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

If your parents aren't married you could have your mother's. If they are married then you could also have your mother's.”


Or your grandfather’s, in other words.

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WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 23:12

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 23:09

If your parents aren't married you could have your mother's. If they are married then you could also have your mother's.

I could have but I didn't, but my mother's surname came from her father

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Fifthtimelucky · 25/01/2023 23:12

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 23:00

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

no idea why this is bothering me so much! DD has a double barrelled surname but is known by my surname

"Get her pregnant" ?

Presumably in most cases (yes, I know accidents happen) she has a choice in the matter?

I think saying what happens traditionally is a bit pointless when thinking about non-traditional relationships.

Traditionally, the child has the same name as both parents because the parents are married and the woman has taken the man's.

When the parents are not married, or are married but with different surnames, I think it's up to each couple to decide.

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