To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?

[Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness]

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

[shinynewapple22]

@WandaWonder

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

Not necessarily . If your mother had given you her surname ...... which is what this thread is saying .... your child would have your surname which did not come from either your father or your husband .

[RDAnna]

@SpaceCandyCoconut I can recognise that my surname is a result of years of 'patriarchy' whilst also feeling like it's very much mine now I've had it for 45 years!

[ImmigrantAlice]

@RDAnna

the point, which I think you missed, is that the mother very likely has her own father’s surname.
I recognise that @ImmigrantAlice , but my point, which I was trying to put a little more succinctly, and granted, a little snippily, is their own father's surname is now their name. So you give your child the mother's name - and stop thinking of it as a man's to bestow on the women in their life.

Which is fine, but the counterpoint is why, when there are two parents, should that be any more “right” than them having the father’s name?

We’ve chosen to preserve some very important (to me) family names of mine with our children, but I’m very happy that their surname is that of the man that I chose to be their father.

If you want to do something different then that’s fine too. We each get to choose what works for us.

[lindorlove]

Me and DP not married. Been together 20 years. 2 DC. If we get married I won't take his name. Never really occurred to me not to give DC his name tho tbh. I gave birth tho them, they are mine. A name doesn't make that less true whereas it was slightly more important to DP. I'm not bothered at all about having a different name to DC. He want keen on the first names I wanted but I felt strongly so he conceded on that

[JamSandle]

Always thought this was weird. Babies should take the mothers name.

[RDAnna]

We agree on that. I think if everyone thought the same as you though it would be more of a 50/50 split though right?

[SarahAndQuack]

@ImmigrantAlice

The point, which I think you missed, is that the mother very likely has her own father’s surname.

The point, which I think you missed, is that the mother's surname is very likely the one that's been her own her whole life, whether it came from her mother or her father. Why would you assume it still belongs to her father, not to her?

[InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits]

I refuse to get married. The DC have his family name. They are part of that family. I have my family name. There is no family on my side left, they are all dead. I am happy to have my family name. I am happy for them to be part of a new family. His family are lovely. I am happy to buck tradition and refuse to be married to someone who dearly wanted marriage. I am happy to buck tradition and retain my family name. I am happy to buck tradition and give my children the name that would best help them to be included into a lovely family including having the same name as their grandparents and cousins and not just sticking out on a lonely limb with me. I am happy to buck tradition and give them not just the fathers name when unmarried but literally the name I their mother wanted them to have. Because as an unmarried mother I retained ultimate control over their names and it was 100% my call and children could not be considered a default child of a marriage and the father could not be given default parental responsibility unless I chose it.

I am happy to have all these choices aren’t you?

[neighboursmustliveon]

I totally agree.

I was married with same name as my husband but if I hadn't been (it never would have happened as I strongly believed in marriage before children)c but if it did, they would have my name.

I've got a couple of cousins, one has two children with their (different) dads names and another has a child with dad and her name double barrelled then she learnt with the next child and dad (now ex), and they have her name.

[Deadringer]

I think children should be named after their mother, much simpler if the relationship breaks down and if she has more children with other partners. And yes while most of us have our father's name, we have to start somewhere. Personally I don't think of my name as my father's anyway, it's my name, just as my dh doesn't think of his name as his father's.

[CrazyBiscuits]

@MademoiselleTrunchbull

What if I told you...they can be already.

Let's pass it on, looks like we're the only ones in the know 🤣😂😅

[Spiderplantation]

My siblings and I were born in the 70s and as our parents were (are) feminists we were given a new surname, one of my grandmother's middle names I believe, rather than either parent's.

My children have my surname, with their dad's as a middle name.

As a feminist I would certainly not take my husband's name if I were to marry. Not would I have married (nor did my mother) back when rape within marriage was legal, or with the obedience lines in the ceremony.

[multivac]

Our 18-year-olds have their father's surname. It was my decision, and my gift. Their birth is written on and in my body - I am happy that his name is written in theirs. We have been together for 31 years now and have no plans to dissolve the partnership. Just offering a different, perhaps less fearful and patriarchal perspective 😎.

[TheyCallMeMrBoombastic]

I wasn't married but gave my child their father's name.

It was probably the done thing at the time. I now wish I hadn't!

(Mind you, getting married when pregnant was also the done thing, and thank god I didn't do that)!

[LemonSwan]

I can be quite extreme about some feminist things but not bothered about this. My partner is a man I love, and he created him too. Sure he didn’t carry him, but he is still half is. So he has his surname. I’m not upset about it.

[Dammitthisisshit]

@NameChagaiiiin

Valid point.

Why is this a valid point?

you are choosing your fathers surname over your boyfriends fathers surname. That’s assuming both sets of parents were married.

both my boyfriend and I had our surnames from birth, what happened before that wasn’t my concern.

[Cileymyrus]

actually for us it has worked out better for dc to have dh’s name.

female with kids, no one bats an eyelid about names, it’s assumed you’re mum. Dad with a different name is assumed to be stepdad or unrelated.

try being a man phoning the GP or school about a kid with a different name, or better still being a 50 year old man booking a hotel room for you and a 15 year old girl with a different name at an away hockey match.

on a practical parenting level, it’s much easier.

[Hadtochangeforthisone]

@Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

no idea why this is bothering me so much! DD has a double barrelled surname but is known by my surname

'Get her pregnant' by dangling the carrot of marriage. ? Not sure about most women but I am an autonomous adult human female who attended school biology classes.

Whilst there I learned the way to control my own fertility. No one 'got me pregnant' we planned a family to arrive at a time of our choosing. (Yes I am aware we were lucky not to suffer the distress of infertility) My friends and family have been incredibly lucky not to suffer the phenomenal rates of contraceptive failure unique to MN posters. So no 'accidents' here.

I then met a man who I thought would be a good person to raise a family with. So I discussed it with him and he agreed. Then, because I am female and therefore the one to reproduce and would be the one to have to take time out of the workplace in order to have children - I explained that the legal contract of marriage would be required if I was going to be in a more financially vulnerable position during childbearing /child rearing. As he is an adult human male who wanted the best for me and our potential family, he agreed that this was a realistic and sensible expectation on my part.

We got married. I then changed my surname to match his. I did this for two reasons. 1. I absolutely hated my surname. It is hideous and I've always hated it. 2. As a lifelong feminist, I believe that it was my choice. Choice is the thing that I had fought for as a feminist from the 1970s. Choice in all aspects of my life. I had the right to choose. So I chose his name because I wanted to. I could just have easily chosen to keep mine, double barrel it, ask him to change to mine or invent an entirely new one . That is the beauty of choice. No one dictates. No choice is right or wrong. It's a preference.

The children then had the same name as both their parents. Although one of my girls chose to add my hideous surname to hers when she was a teenager. Good for her. She made a choice.

I am perplexed as to why anyone would care what last name anyone wishes to give themselves or their children. It really doesn't matter one way or the other. The days when it was a sign of the oppressive patriarchy are gone. They went when you got to choose.

[GherkOut]

I did this, kept my own surname and DV's have DH's surname. I only discovered quite recently that the DC's (now adults) didn't like me being 'the odd one out' as if I wasn't part of our family.
Don't know what the answer is, really. Hyphenation is one option, all the family have the same name, but my own surname is already double-barrelled so that didn't really work.

[PomBearWithoutHerOFRS]

Because my name is one that caused me to be picked on and ridiculed from the day I started school (think Bogey, or Schitt, or Pooper type thing) and my husband has a name that is utterly boring and plain - Smith or Jones type thing. Even if I'd been a single parent I'd have picked a different surname for my child(ren)!

[CrazyBiscuits]

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits

I refuse to get married. The DC have his family name. They are part of that family. I have my family name. There is no family on my side left, they are all dead. I am happy to have my family name. I am happy for them to be part of a new family. His family are lovely. I am happy to buck tradition and refuse to be married to someone who dearly wanted marriage. I am happy to buck tradition and retain my family name. I am happy to buck tradition and give my children the name that would best help them to be included into a lovely family including having the same name as their grandparents and cousins and not just sticking out on a lonely limb with me. I am happy to buck tradition and give them not just the fathers name when unmarried but literally the name I their mother wanted them to have. Because as an unmarried mother I retained ultimate control over their names and it was 100% my call and children could not be considered a default child of a marriage and the father could not be given default parental responsibility unless I chose it.

I am happy to have all these choices aren’t you?

Tbh I actually agree that its nice to have choices but you're dc, even though you are the last of your family, is still part of your family. I can understand why you'd want to keep your name and think the reason for you giving Yr dc their dads family is lovely and very thoughtful.

[nokidshere]

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

Poor little women with no mind or control of their own. Really? How offensive is that.

[jollypostwoman]

I have a difficult surname that is hard to spell and easy to turn into a sexually based rhyming nickname. My daughter's dad has a relatively common perfectly pleasant surname. We gave them his name. Now they're grown ups and appreciate the choice we made!

[Spinxsta]

@fUNNYfACE36

If you are married people will assume your dc's father is not the child's father.

I'm married and kept my surname, which DH and I have given to our children. No one has ever assumed DH isn't their father.

[Mariposista]

I was born within wedlock but my father had already abandoned my mother (at 3 months pregnant). I carried his surname for 18 years so I would not be different to my mother. She is a wonderful person and didn’t want to sign the forms on my behalf, instead letting me decide when I was old enough as it was essentially my identity. She never ever spoke badly of him, despite him doing dreadful things.
Two days after my 18th birthday we changed our surnames back to her maiden name, my beloved grandparents’ surname and I will bear that surname proudly for the rest of my life. It was a faff changing all my documents but it was so cleansing. When I marry, I will keep my name although I will be happy for any DC to have my husband’s surname.