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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?

195 replies

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 22:53

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 25/01/2023 23:12

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 23:00

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

no idea why this is bothering me so much! DD has a double barrelled surname but is known by my surname

"Get her pregnant" ?

Presumably in most cases (yes, I know accidents happen) she has a choice in the matter?

I think saying what happens traditionally is a bit pointless when thinking about non-traditional relationships.

Traditionally, the child has the same name as both parents because the parents are married and the woman has taken the man's.

When the parents are not married, or are married but with different surnames, I think it's up to each couple to decide.

awakeandanxiouss · 25/01/2023 23:13

My parents were only engaged when I was born and so I was given my mum’s name until they married. When they did, my mum and I changed our names together so we were all the same. I love how she stood her ground and gave me her name, this is definitely something I would do if we have children before marriage!

SpaceCandyCoconut · 25/01/2023 23:13

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:04

They could have your surname. Do you not recognise that you have a name as well, or do you just defer to the men in your life?

Show quote history

Your surname is only what is is now because of centuries of patriarchal dominance: wives deferring to husbands, mothers deferring to fathers over literally generations.
If you want to be feminist and free of all that, pick something new inspired by a woman who inspires you.

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 23:13

Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:11

Oh right okay, ‘it was really shit and sexist once, we should 100% work hard to keep it like that’ is that getting the quiz right?

Let’s play another quiz: can we change things to make shit things better? Or should we just languish under the patriarchy because it Once Was Like That So, You Know.

Show quote history

Then people should create a new surname for their baby if they are that invested in the name thing

CrazyBiscuits · 25/01/2023 23:13

Yep, just imagine, in the not so distant future, surnames could be passed down from either gender. How cool.

Deathbyfluffy · 25/01/2023 23:14

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 23:00

I think it bothers me so much when men “dangle” the carrot of marriage over women. Get her pregnant. Insist of being “traditional” and the kid taking their surname. And then the man fucks off a couple of years later.

no idea why this is bothering me so much! DD has a double barrelled surname but is known by my surname

You sound awfully bitter - that’s a particularly bad scenario.

Maybe find something else to focus on if this is annoying you so much? 🙂

Changemaname1 · 25/01/2023 23:15

I did and I regret it wish they had my surname
so I agree tbh

ImmigrantAlice · 25/01/2023 23:16

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:04

They could have your surname. Do you not recognise that you have a name as well, or do you just defer to the men in your life?

Show quote history

The point, which I think you missed, is that the mother very likely has her own father’s surname.

CrazyBiscuits · 25/01/2023 23:16

awakeandanxiouss · 25/01/2023 23:13

My parents were only engaged when I was born and so I was given my mum’s name until they married. When they did, my mum and I changed our names together so we were all the same. I love how she stood her ground and gave me her name, this is definitely something I would do if we have children before marriage!

Me too!

Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:16

Deathbyfluffy · 25/01/2023 23:14

You sound awfully bitter - that’s a particularly bad scenario.

Maybe find something else to focus on if this is annoying you so much? 🙂

Show quote history

Yes beware that pesky equality OP, might make you fixated and bitter!

SpaceRaiders · 25/01/2023 23:17

The system where we recognise the ownership of women and children by men, according to surnames, it obviously pretty dodgy.

Absolutely this!

Daniella36 · 25/01/2023 23:18

pinkfluffycushion · 25/01/2023 22:55

Agreed. Now my child has this idiots surname - to make it worse, its double barrelled, both from his dads side and I can't stand his enabling mother - yet my child has her surname also (his grandma).

I don't like my surname so giving him mine wasn't an option for me - and I was in 'love' Hmm

Lesson learnt!

If if was such a bad catch, why did you ask him to make you pregnant with his baby? Why not ask a better man to do it?

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 23:18

CrazyBiscuits · 25/01/2023 23:13

Yep, just imagine, in the not so distant future, surnames could be passed down from either gender. How cool.

What if I told you...they can be already.

To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?
Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:19

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 23:13

Then people should create a new surname for their baby if they are that invested in the name thing

Show quote history

Why? Why do you think that women should have to give up what they are known as all their lives? Either to get married, or to give their children, or now apparently just in case someone thinks they might have borrowed one of the menz’s names without permission? ‘Should have’ indeed, under his eye!

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/01/2023 23:19

If you are married people will assume your dc's father is not the child's father.

Fraine · 25/01/2023 23:22

Daniella36 · 25/01/2023 23:18

If if was such a bad catch, why did you ask him to make you pregnant with his baby? Why not ask a better man to do it?

Show quote history

Did you miss where she said ‘lesson learnt’, Mystic Meg?

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 23:22

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/01/2023 23:19

If you are married people will assume your dc's father is not the child's father.

But that's like saying people will assume you're not married. Most people who know you well enough to know all your surnames will probably already know who the father is.

Babooshka1990 · 25/01/2023 23:22

Agreed

Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:22

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/01/2023 23:19

If you are married people will assume your dc's father is not the child's father.

Well, he could change his name to hers and the child’s then? I mean, what’s in a name, after all, there are bigger issues jn the world. And he wouldn’t want to get bitter and fixated about keeping his own, sure it’s not really ‘his’ name anyway he just borrowed it from his dad.

Johnnysgirl · 25/01/2023 23:24

Sparklingblah · 25/01/2023 23:19

Why? Why do you think that women should have to give up what they are known as all their lives? Either to get married, or to give their children, or now apparently just in case someone thinks they might have borrowed one of the menz’s names without permission? ‘Should have’ indeed, under his eye!

Show quote history

They don't have to do anything don't want to. So doing something you neither want or have to and then getting aerated about it is kind of stupid.

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 23:25

On the flipside, if you keep your father's name then you're just passing on the surname of a long succession of men rather than letting it die out.

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:27

the point, which I think you missed, is that the mother very likely has her own father’s surname.
I recognise that @ImmigrantAlice , but my point, which I was trying to put a little more succinctly, and granted, a little snippily, is their own father's surname is now their name. So you give your child the mother's name - and stop thinking of it as a man's to bestow on the women in their life.

UselessExLondoner · 25/01/2023 23:27

Agree! I hated my surname though so was happy to ditch it for my husbands!

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 25/01/2023 23:28

DH took my surname when we married, as he doesn’t have a good relationship with his biological father. DH gets on well with my DF tho. So DH decided to take on mine and it is now passed into our DC.

Jellykat · 25/01/2023 23:28

Both my sons have my surname and my brother and i have the same as my mothers..
My dad died when i was 13, and his sister took her husbands name so that family surname has ended, which does make me a bit sad at times.
Swings and roundabouts..