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Original poster

To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?

195 replies

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 22:53

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 23:56

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 23:31

@SpaceCandyCoconut I can recognise that my surname is a result of years of 'patriarchy' whilst also feeling like it's very much mine now I've had it for 45 years!

Completely agree. My father was a grade A asshole. My surname is still MY name, not his, it’s mine. I refused to changed it when previously engaged. My fiancé was furious which was surprising as he was a very open minded man about everything else. I couldn’t marry him after that. It’s my name. I have no other and I cannot erase what brought about the circumstances whereby a patriarchal system of naming became the norm.

Puppyseahorse · 25/01/2023 23:59

I am perplexed as to why anyone would care what last name anyone wishes to give themselves or their children. It really doesn't matter one way or the other. The days when it was a sign of the oppressive patriarchy are gone. They went when you got to choose.

it’s disingenuous to imply that the name a child receives is simply a ‘choice.’ It is heavily socially conditioned and there are strong societal expectations to give a child the dad’s name. That isn’t a genuine ‘choice.’

The more that women continue to choose to give their child the father’s name rather than their own, the more that societal expectation is reinforced, and the fewer ‘choices’ we all end up having.

Carouselfish · 26/01/2023 00:13

I did it because a) his is common and easy to spell b) I felt it gave me more of a bargaining chip to have in choosing her first names.
My surname is included as one of her middle names. I've always disliked it. Not that I LIKE his, it's just an easy one.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 26/01/2023 00:16

I named both my DDS with their Fathers surname and I didn't even think about it until afterwards and I was like ?!?. However! I don't really like my surname and I was named after my biological 'Dad' so at least they aren't named after him

BrassCandlestick · 26/01/2023 00:17

@WandaWonder
WandaWonder · Yesterday 22:59
So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

Your child can have any surname at all that you choose for them. Jagger, Windsor, Smith, Beckham. There is NO legal obligation at all for your child to have a surname of anyone in your families at all.

My friend gave her child the surname Storm because she didn't like her own and didn't want to give her the fathers'.

My children have my surname which I've had since birth, and they will never change it.

Up the Matriarchy!

Wiluli · 26/01/2023 00:24

All of my kids have my surname , if I get married I will keep my surname . I don’t buy into the bigotry that comes with having to accept a man’s name .

ConcordeOoter · 26/01/2023 00:27

It is a traditional link a father gets, passing the name down, and if there is no marriage the decision to do it will tend to be the mother's: not coincidentally is also an explicit, private and public statement that he is liable and responsible for what happens to them, which in the absence of having carried and mothered them is probably no bad thing.

Families and relationships are complex, so if it's a good fit do it, if it isn't, don't.

Mamaneedsadrink · 26/01/2023 00:31

For me ... racism. My DC is mixed race and his father has a very traditional surname, think Smith. I figure he's better off on paper with this surname ie on his CV. Sad but true. Unconscious bias and all that.

MarshaMelrose · 26/01/2023 00:32

I don't get the fuss. If you share the surname with the father, it makes sense for the child to have the same name.
If you have a different name from the father, then I don't see why the mother's name is either more or less important than the father's. He has an equal right to have the children called by his name. Maybe there needs to be double barrelled names, then the children just pass on one of those surnames on to their own children.

M103 · 26/01/2023 00:32

I sooo agree with OP. My children have my name (and I am the mother) 😊. Happened by chance because my husband was not keen on his, but now I wouldn't change it for the world. I was the one who was pregnant and vomiting, I was the one who gave birth, I was the one who took maternity leave, I was the one who was waking up to breastfeed, I still am the one who does most of the childcare, why on earth would they not have my name??!! At the beginning, if people asked I used to explain that my husband did not like his surname. Now I just say that they have my surname because I am their mother, and that's it.

MrsMikeDrop · 26/01/2023 00:33

I had a colleague where her husband took her surname. Yeah it's sexist, but there's so many more things to care about IMHO, it's not like it's law or anything. You can even call yourself Regina Phalange or Crap Bag if you want to 💁‍♀️

BreadInCaptivity · 26/01/2023 00:36

It's not always "daft".

I thought about it and ultimately I preferred DH's surname to mine.

He was relaxed about using either surname on the proviso the other became a middle name.

Personally I really like the Icelandic model where there are no family (surname) names at all.

Girls are called Name + Mothersname&Dottir and males get the suffix "son" from the father so Lucy and David's children could be called:

  • Anna Lucydottir and Sam Davidson
ClearRunning · 26/01/2023 00:37

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

We’re not married but one reason I chose to give our children their dads surname was because I didn’t want them to have my abusive fathers name. I also changed my name to my partners as I didn’t want my fathers name either. And it’s a great name.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/01/2023 00:39

DH and I discussed giving our DC both our surnames but I hated mine and always used his as soon as we got married so it made no sense really. The thing I am a bit sad about is my family has died out now. I only have one cousin in this country and he has a different surname because his mum was my dad's sister. So there was only me and my DC have DH's surname.

BreadInCaptivity · 26/01/2023 00:39

BreadInCaptivity · 26/01/2023 00:36

It's not always "daft".

I thought about it and ultimately I preferred DH's surname to mine.

He was relaxed about using either surname on the proviso the other became a middle name.

Personally I really like the Icelandic model where there are no family (surname) names at all.

Girls are called Name + Mothersname&Dottir and males get the suffix "son" from the father so Lucy and David's children could be called:

  • Anna Lucydottir and Sam Davidson

Sorry just to add - that this is the reason we have so many "son" surnames, because this is root of the tradition but because of patriarchy only the "son" names survived.

MysteryBelle · 26/01/2023 00:48

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 25/01/2023 22:59

Interesting. I never knew this. So it was effectively the choice of the mother that dictated the baby surname.

Show quote history

L O L

Namenic · 26/01/2023 00:50

In my culture women keep their surnames on marriage but kids get their dad’s.

Yeah, it’s patriarchal, but I think it is nice for them to have some link to him. I mean, I gave birth to them and if you count mitochondrial dna, they have marginally more of my DNA than his. If you wanted a ‘fair’ system then double barrel your kids’ names and male kids can pass on their dad’s surname and female kids can pass on their mum’s when they have kids.

Namenic · 26/01/2023 00:57

@BreadInCaptivity - ah I hadn’t realised that the girls got their mother’s name + dottir- I had thought it was their father’s name + dottir. That’s a cool system.

it really annoys me at immigration though when I have to carry a marriage certificate when I am travelling with the kids (immigration have asked twice when entering U.K. - they have no interest about my kids leaving the country). DH was not asked when he did the same travelling alone with kids.

Djmaggie · 26/01/2023 00:58

Honestly, just because it mattered more to him than me. We got married when DS was 2 and I changed my name so didn’t make a massive difference. I like that we all have the same name now tbh

mondaytosunday · 26/01/2023 01:01

I was married when I had my children and I was proud to have taken his name in marriage and my children to have his name. If I had them without being married they would have had my name.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/01/2023 01:02

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

Why is it your father's name? Its your name as much as his. Men don't own names.

Don't let internalised misogyny stop you from thinking obectively.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/01/2023 01:07

ImmigrantAlice · 25/01/2023 23:16

The point, which I think you missed, is that the mother very likely has her own father’s surname.

Show quote history

You are missing the point. Its hers as much as his. Its bizarre to think otherwise.

RiverSkater · 26/01/2023 01:09

Because women and children were the property of men in law. Not so anymore.

But the tradition continues.

ComfortablyDazed · 26/01/2023 01:10

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

If you can bother to trot this tired argument out, then surely - surely! - you can get your head around the counter position.

We have a family friend who didn’t marry and give her child her surname in the 1940s.

Her daughter then had a child in the 1970s. The daughter was given her MOTHER’s surname.

The next daughter had a son in the early 2000s. The son was given his MOTHER’s, and GRANDMOTHER’s and GREAT-GRANDMOTHER’s (CAPS for ease of understanding for you) surname.

Change has to start somewhere.

A surname soon ceases to belong to A Man, and soon starts to belong to whichever woman has used it and passed it on.

This is so, so obvious - surely…..?

TheOriginalEmu · 26/01/2023 01:11

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 22:53

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

Why the fuck not? That’s my question.

my own reasons:
not really a fan of my name.
They have first and middle names that reflect my heritage so it’s nice to have a surname that reflects his.
his is a much nicer name.
my last name sounds weird with most names.