Page 8 | To think it’s a bit daft to give your kids their dads surname?

MoreSleepPleasee · 26/01/2023 08:18

Yanbu. Double barrelled my sons which was as far as I'd go. If his dad wanted him to only have his surname he should have married me. Funnily enough he's not seen him in 13 years.

babyyodaxmas · 26/01/2023 08:19

yourenottheonlyone · 26/01/2023 08:16

@User98866 yep, the border thing is most definitely an issue, I got pulled over for quite daunting questioning travelling with dc1 as wasn't married to the father at the time.

Event more screwed up is when we did marry, we had to reregister both DCs births to "legitimatise" them so now when I travel I have my marriage certificate and both their effectively defunct birth certificates as have been asked for both before now when travelling without H as I still use my maiden name.

You see total non issue,causing not problems at all. Just doesn't matter, call your kids whatever you like.

babyyodaxmas · 26/01/2023 08:22

Sorry fat thumbs, no issues

Toadybum · 26/01/2023 08:24

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 25/01/2023 22:53

If a woman gives birth to a child. Why the fuck should she give the child it’s fathers surname rather than her own. Especially if they are not married

I agree with you. I did it because my own family was abusive and not nice. If I was close to my family I would have felt stronger about it. Also, Dhs surname is much nicer than mine!

gogohmm · 26/01/2023 08:28

We have choices now, this is good, but it's not daft to continue tradition if that's what you want. Criticising other's choices because your own marriage failed isn't fair.

stairgates · 26/01/2023 08:32

Me and my children's dad aren't married but our kids have his surname, I quite like being the only individual in the house and my surname is cool😎😁 Thinking about it I also think giving our kids their dads name was a nod to my dad maybe in hope that my kids dad would do as good a job and as a mark of respect, my dad raised us alone for a long time due to mum passing, dad's are awesome.

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 08:38

babyyodaxmas · 26/01/2023 07:14

I found it so, see above about trying to reenter the country. also DH (the man I live with) is my DC's father so I wanted that to be clear and unfortunately in our patriarchal society the easiest way to communicate that quickly and effectively is having the same surname.

Now I think there is a very good argument that the DCs should the mother's name and allow the father all the faff of the different surname problem, but to suggest it is a non issue is disingenuous.

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It absolutely has been a non issue for me.

schools, gp’s etc manage fine addressing letters to “dr x and Mr y”.

my dc were asked once who I was when I was travelling alone, but that was before they’d asked for passports so nothing to do with names. We travel several times a year with the dc’s sports and in 18 years never had an issue.

even when I had to take step dc to a&e for a broken bone it was automatically assumed I was mum, I had to point out I didn’t have PR and couldn’t consent, and they needed to ask dh.

dh on the other hand, has had a nightmare after splitting with his ex. If she didn’t put him down on school, gp forms as their dad we actually had to get solicitors letters to force them to speak to him without her present. And that was with the same name. He was genuinely worried that if the dc had my name and we split (his ex had an affair) it would be an absolute nightmare.

like I said, me in a hotel room with my 15 year old doesn’t raise an eyebrow. A 50 year old man in a hotel room with a 15 year old with a different surname is often a phone call to the police.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/01/2023 08:39

Entirely up to the Mum what surname she chooses to give her children. Tit all to do with a load of randomers on Mumsnet.

babyyodaxmas · 26/01/2023 08:41

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 08:38

It absolutely has been a non issue for me.

schools, gp’s etc manage fine addressing letters to “dr x and Mr y”.

my dc were asked once who I was when I was travelling alone, but that was before they’d asked for passports so nothing to do with names. We travel several times a year with the dc’s sports and in 18 years never had an issue.

even when I had to take step dc to a&e for a broken bone it was automatically assumed I was mum, I had to point out I didn’t have PR and couldn’t consent, and they needed to ask dh.

dh on the other hand, has had a nightmare after splitting with his ex. If she didn’t put him down on school, gp forms as their dad we actually had to get solicitors letters to force them to speak to him without her present. And that was with the same name. He was genuinely worried that if the dc had my name and we split (his ex had an affair) it would be an absolute nightmare.

like I said, me in a hotel room with my 15 year old doesn’t raise an eyebrow. A 50 year old man in a hotel room with a 15 year old with a different surname is often a phone call to the police.

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Sometimes it's useful to read my latest post before responding

Naunet · 26/01/2023 08:52

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:59

So my child could have my father's surname or my husbands?

Don’t you have a last name? Are you Madonna?

Naunet · 26/01/2023 08:53

Yep, it doesn’t make any logical sense, would be a lot easier to trace family trees as well if we were all named after our mothers.

multivac · 26/01/2023 09:11

User98866 · 26/01/2023 07:56

Is it true that it can cause problems at border checks if you don’t have the same surnames as your dc? I was told this by a friend. I’m married to their father but kept my name upon marriage, but the dc did get his name as it felt ‘fairer’ IDK why. I suppose because I birthed them it felt like he should get some kind of claim as they are half his! They’ve got both my grandmothers maiden names as middle names but I do slightly regret not putting in my surname as it’s a good one and looking likely they might be the only offspring from me and siblings.

In contrast to the poster below, not in 18 years, no. And it would be pretty poor border control if it did, don't you think? 'Oh, you have the same last name as these children? Then it must definitely be ok for you to take them out of the country without another parent, off you pop!'

Deadringer · 26/01/2023 09:22

Whatever people decide about naming their dc I really think we need to abolish the term 'maiden name'. It suggests that a female's name is somehow temporary which is a terribly outdated concept.

Diynoidea · 26/01/2023 09:23

CrazyBiscuits · 25/01/2023 23:13

Yep, just imagine, in the not so distant future, surnames could be passed down from either gender. How cool.

Do you mean sex rather than gender? All fathers are male, all mothers are female

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 09:55

multivac · 26/01/2023 09:11

In contrast to the poster below, not in 18 years, no. And it would be pretty poor border control if it did, don't you think? 'Oh, you have the same last name as these children? Then it must definitely be ok for you to take them out of the country without another parent, off you pop!'

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Also teachers, sports coaches etc all manage perfectly fine getting groups of unrelated children through border control.

I’ve done it for years. Always carry loco parentis paperwork, obvs, but never been stopped or challenged.

travelling with my own child never been stopped due to differing surnames.

as for pp who had to re register births to “legitimise” them, is that in the UK? or are you in/travelling to countries where marital status is an issue?

CascaChan · 26/01/2023 09:55

I gave my child my partners name, I am unmarried. These are my reasons:
It was a big deal to him. I didn’t particularly feel like giving her my fathers name. I don’t feel that I have been oppressed by men, so that line of thought doesn’t resonate with me. I had the privilege of carrying, birthing and being with her all day while he works, so it’s a small thing to me that she bears his name.

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 10:00

Blimey, just googled and apparently you do have to re register a birth if the child’s parents get married.

every day’s a school day. I would have thought that would have gone out the window years ago.

i don’t even think it records on the BC whether parents are married or not? So what’s the point apart from some hangover box ticking exercise.

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 26/01/2023 10:17

My biggest regret

Puffinshop · 26/01/2023 10:28

BreadInCaptivity · 26/01/2023 00:36

It's not always "daft".

I thought about it and ultimately I preferred DH's surname to mine.

He was relaxed about using either surname on the proviso the other became a middle name.

Personally I really like the Icelandic model where there are no family (surname) names at all.

Girls are called Name + Mothersname&Dottir and males get the suffix "son" from the father so Lucy and David's children could be called:

Anna Lucydottir and Sam Davidson

Not quite right. The default for boys and girls is a patronymic (from the father's name, genitive form + son or dóttir). They'd be called Anna Davidsdottir and Sam Davidsson.

Sometimes matronymics (from the mother's name) are used for children of either sex, but there's usually a specific reason for that. It's certainly not the default. The system is as patriarchal as any other really.

BloodAndFire · 26/01/2023 10:31

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 10:00

Blimey, just googled and apparently you do have to re register a birth if the child’s parents get married.

every day’s a school day. I would have thought that would have gone out the window years ago.

i don’t even think it records on the BC whether parents are married or not? So what’s the point apart from some hangover box ticking exercise.

We had to do this in 2013.

The bc is slightly different.

We also changed the kids' surnames at the same time, from just mine, to double-barrelled.