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AIBU?

DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

322 replies

AnotherAIBU · 25/01/2023 10:11

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

MaverickGooseGoose · 25/01/2023 10:14

Is he proposing to to do half of the housework / kid stuff then? I'm guessing not.

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Blanketwars · 25/01/2023 10:14

Him. Without question. It’s not like he didn’t know you were going to take a hit in your career for gods sake! He’s being totally totally unreasonable.
Has this ever come up before? Has it ever been discussed during the earlier years?

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Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/01/2023 10:16

Tell him to bring your cv to someone in hr who might explain to him how the world works if he can't grasp it himself.

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7Worfs · 25/01/2023 10:16

He is BU.
You facilitated his career by giving up yours, bearing and raising his children, and running the household.

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Blanca87 · 25/01/2023 10:17

How old are your children? Can’t you get a cleaner etc to allow you to upskill ? I would look to supplement your skills with a CPD course, also. Finally, I would speak honestly to your partner to let him know how you feel, ultimately his success has been supported by you.

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Forth · 25/01/2023 10:17

Wow.
He's being incredibly unreasonable.

Sorry to add to your worries but I'd be wondering who's been turning his head.

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ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 25/01/2023 10:21

Charge him. Write an invoice for every job you do in the house and all taxi trips for the kids. Backdate it if you’re feeling as unreasonable as he clearly is. Good job or not, he can’t afford you.

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CatOnTheChair · 25/01/2023 10:23

We have a similar story to you - except I have the husband who also accepts that what was good for his career was limiting for mine.
I currently work TTO, so all the holidays are sorted, earn a fraction of his salary, and less than when I first graduated. He does most of the cooking and washing We share the house stuff. He is WFH the day of the strikes so the kids aren't alone all day. We basically tag team it.
Your 'D'H needs to have a long hard look at how he got to where he is - and it is almost certainly in part to the support you have provided in the background to allow him to say yes to everything, because you would always be around.
YANBU

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Katieonthego · 25/01/2023 10:26

I feel for you. He is definitely being unreasonable. Does he have work related stress that is making him worry about income? Sometimes its a trigger to take out your frustration this way. I know as my sister faced the same nagging from her DH when he was unhappy with his own job

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snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:27

This kind of thing makes me so angry.

Honestly, tell your husband you will look at getting a 'better career' as soon as he takes on all of the childcare responsibilities that you have had for however many years whilst you've followed him around supporting him with his high flying career.

He is being absolutely unreasonable, arrogant and is completely misguided about how the world works. I hope you are not going to stand for it. I'd be telling him where to shove it.

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AnotherAIBU · 25/01/2023 10:27

Sorry to add to your worries but I'd be wondering who's been turning his head.

I don't think one person has turned his head (yet), but I do think there are a group of women who have influenced his opinion. Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A* GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks.

He is making me feel lazy, whereas I am run-ragged. I get to sit down at 9pm. Also, I don't touch my money. It is not a lot (about £1200 a month) and I don't touch it and it goes straight into our savings account as I want to feel I am contributing.

I have seen a few friends DH's run off with late 30's/ 40's single professional woman with no DC, but I am not worried about this, only because I feel sorry for the poor bitch if she takes him off me.

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Topseyt123 · 25/01/2023 10:27

He is being incredibly unreasonable and I'd be telling him to bugger off.

You've given him enormous amounts of support over the years, being the trailing spouse, bearing and bringing up the children etc. This is how he repays you!!

He's naïve if he thinks that with the ensuing gaps in your CV you can just waltz straight back into a top job. Your work experience will be somewhat out of date to start with.

Is he someone who has never been out of work? I find that those are the people who just seem to think that you can simply walk into whatever job you like. They are then absolutely insufferable when that doesn't happen, perhaps to the extent that you hardly want to look at them for ages. It's infuriating and upsetting.

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Custardish · 25/01/2023 10:28

What an arsehole. Sorry you need to talk to him and he needs to listen or this will drive huge resentment of him .

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snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:29

I don't think one person has turned his head (yet), but I do think there are a group of women who have influenced his opinion. Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks.*

OK and how much support have they had from their husbands, families, friends? I'm bet money on it being more than you have, and even if not, your husband is behaving like a complete arse. He's being incredibly disrespectful of your hard work and contribution you have made to your family, and supporting him to get where he is today.

Honestly if my husband behaved like this towards me and had this attitude, I would be questioning whether we had a future.

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SnowAndFrostOutside · 25/01/2023 10:29

Of course it's him. If he's been the trailing spouse for 20 years, how would you get the top job? He didn't allow you to develop your career when you were young and now he demanded you have a high paying job? It doesn't work like that at all.

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Cornelious2011 · 25/01/2023 10:31

I was going to suggest someone has turned his head. He's looking at what he 'deems' successful women and comparing you to them. The difference is that these women probably didn't follow their husbands around the world and were able to focus on their careers.

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SnowAndFrostOutside · 25/01/2023 10:31

I don't have a high paying law job but it's reasonally senior. I earned similar to my DH through by working life. Sometimes he earns more, sometimes me. But that comes from DH taking half the share of childcare. He does drop offs/pick ups, parties, school work, etc. He really can't expect you to be the same place as you career wise unless you help each other. This means both of you taking a slightly slower career path.

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AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/01/2023 10:31

He is absolutely BU. Being a trailing spouse can have a huge career impact because you are forced to either have career gaps or take whatever you can in the country you move to. Then add the childcare into the mix and it gets even harder for you.

What did he think the impact of moving around would be? He's obviously bright, he needs to bloody well engage his brain and acknowledge the reality of the situation.

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AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/01/2023 10:32

Cornelious2011 · 25/01/2023 10:31

I was going to suggest someone has turned his head. He's looking at what he 'deems' successful women and comparing you to them. The difference is that these women probably didn't follow their husbands around the world and were able to focus on their careers.

This did occur to me too, unfortunately. He's seeing "successful" women (or a specific woman) at work, and making comparisons.

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snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:33

Cornelious2011 · 25/01/2023 10:31

I was going to suggest someone has turned his head. He's looking at what he 'deems' successful women and comparing you to them. The difference is that these women probably didn't follow their husbands around the world and were able to focus on their careers.

Exactly. Not to mention it's super bloody sexist of him to look at a successful person, see that she is female, and decide that OP should be the same because she's also female.

I mean WTF? Two people who are female are not necessarily coming from the same circumstances and background.

I think his misogynistic/ sexist values are shining through. I'd run a mile.

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AreOttersJustWetCats · 25/01/2023 10:34

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks.*

None of them will have spent their career making years being a trailing spouse.

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HaggisBurger · 25/01/2023 10:35

Tell the d*ck that should you choose to divorce him there is a concept called relationship generated disadvantage that the courts now recognise (in certain limited cases where one spouse had a likely very high paying career that they gave up). www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Fam/2020/466.html

Its entirely separate to the normal division of assets and needs based financial allocation - and is actual compensation.

He’s being a total arse about this. My ex was slightly the same and now realises what it takes to run a house, kids, life etc etc.

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euff · 25/01/2023 10:36

I don't think one person has turned his head (yet), but I do think there are a group of women who have influenced his opinion. Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks. *

I bet they didn't follow their husbands around enabling them to do what they wanted and when significantly impacting their own careers. I'm not sure someone like this can be made to see how unreasonable he is. It's amazing how these men don't wonder why they can't be the one to do all the stuff he says these women do. He lacks respect for the sacrifices you made and the work you do. Sometimes the more you give and support and lose yourself the less respect they have for you.

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pinkyredrose · 25/01/2023 10:37

He's a cunt. How dare he treat you like this after all you've done for him/his career.

I'd be struggling to want to stay married to him.

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pinkyredrose · 25/01/2023 10:39

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's

Why doesn't he do all this then?

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