DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

[FootieMama]

OP for your sake put your finances in order. Get savings on your name. Check your pension arrangements. I am in similar situation to you. Working part time, similar age. Kids now nearing university age but my career was sacrificed to look after the children. I earn less than half my dh. We had a big argument because I was made redundant couple of years ago and he let me use up my savings to keep up my contribution to the household. That's when I told him that I allowed him to progress in his career. He would never get where he is working part time, missing days due to illness, leaving on the dot to pick up the kids, etc. Sit down and discuss your financial future. The arrangement is very unfair if you put all of your money in the household.
Also start a career at 50 should be up to you. I nearly got a full time job but realise that's no what I want. Spent all this looking after the kids but now I want some time for me. Good luck. YANBU

[ellyeth]

He sounds horrible. It sounds like you have contributed a lot - both in the past and now. Why on earth are you not touching any of the money you earn?

How do you deal with these nasty remarks? I'm not sure I'd want to be married to someone who chips away at my self-esteem and sense of wellbeing all the time. I think you should bear in mind what Haggis says and read the link she has provided.

It's so sad to hear how upset he is making you. I hope, one way or another, you manage to improve this situation.

[mylifestory]

U didn't have to follow him, so what was the alternative? U stay here with the kids and he visits every month? Or he wd probably expect u all to visit him!

Many women of Yr age have wound down working long ago if they have a high flying husband and 3 kids. U don't mention if u need the salary from Yr job to contribute to the house. What difference wd Yr wage make to the household?

If I were u I'd tell him u had a full time job possibly lined up and present him with a list of all the ppl ud both have ro employ, from nanny to cook to cleaner and allsorts. And dont forget to add on what the cost wd be! Make it huge of course. Then say it's not worth it.

Chk pit narcissistic personality disorder. Sounds like he o lying wants u to have a better job so he can brag about it, to make him look good.

Give up Yr job now, take some time for yrself.

Breastfeeding at their desks

• Ur funny, he doesn't deserve u.

Leave him.

[Clarabell77]

@pinkyredrose

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's

Why doesn't he do all this then?

Spot on

I’d struggle to be in a relationship with someone who thinks like this.

[whittingtonmum]

As others have said: Get your ducks in a row now: pension etc Consult a lawyer what you might be entitled to in the event of divorce. Your DH might have very well done the same and realised that he'd have to pay less if you have a better paid job.

Stay in your stable job. We're entering a recession and it will be last one in, first one out in any new job. Also divorce is difficult so good to have stability in one area of your life.

I think you need to seriously consider the possibility that he is already made a plan to divorce you once the kids are at uni and the moaning about your job is a sinister attempt to manipulate you and put you down.

Don't listen to him telling you your career is not good enough. He has not pulled his weight for decades with childcare, household and supporting your career when you had one so he doesn't get to bitch about it now.

I suspect you will soon be rid of him so don't let him mess with your head.

If you have any savings in your name can you transfer them to someone else until after the divorce? Also try and track his money as he'll be doing the same.

[BSky]

Wow! Doesn't sound like a great environment. Not sure what ages your kids are but 3 kids and running a household is alongside work is exhausting.

Does any of his wanting you to work in a senior role/top job come from acknowledging your qualifications & pre/family experience. An opportunity for you to rebuild your working potential? Does he want to step down a bit & play a bigger role at home with the kids & running the family home? Has he asked what you would like?

He doesn't come across as supportive but as pressuring you and disrespectful to your contribution to his career achievements & your running the family home with all that entails. Would he be happy if you outsourced childcare & housework ? Sounds like you could on his salary anyway regardless of whether that frees up time to upskil?

Do you want to progress a career or value the security & family time? You sound bullied into looking for higher paid/responsible jobs ? Why don't you feel you can take time out & do something nice for yourself on a day off? Spend money on yourself? What is stopping you - wanting to save money or fearing judgement from him?

It sounds like you are already building some financial security as you have doubts about the longevity of your marriage. Do some soul searching & a conversation with a lawyer might just help you plan what future you want. Waiting until kids are uni age doesn't seem feasible in such an unbalanced disrespectful relationship.

Take care

[Teaandtoast3]

Are you okay @AnotherAIBU

[LookingforMaryPoppins]

@whittingtonmum

As others have said: Get your ducks in a row now: pension etc Consult a lawyer what you might be entitled to in the event of divorce. Your DH might have very well done the same and realised that he'd have to pay less if you have a better paid job.

Stay in your stable job. We're entering a recession and it will be last one in, first one out in any new job. Also divorce is difficult so good to have stability in one area of your life.

I think you need to seriously consider the possibility that he is already made a plan to divorce you once the kids are at uni and the moaning about your job is a sinister attempt to manipulate you and put you down.

Don't listen to him telling you your career is not good enough. He has not pulled his weight for decades with childcare, household and supporting your career when you had one so he doesn't get to bitch about it now.

I suspect you will soon be rid of him so don't let him mess with your head.

If you have any savings in your name can you transfer them to someone else until after the divorce? Also try and track his money as he'll be doing the same.

This!

Absolutely get your ducks in a row.

Stay in the job you are in, make sure you know where everything is financially and prepare yourself for the scenario that his intention is not honourable. He could very well be bullying you into a higher paid role with the intention of reducing your entitlement should you get divorced.

Perhaps if you had pursued your career whilst he followed you around and did everything at home he may feel different. I also agree with all the people that question why he doesn't do more at home given women can allegedly have top jobs and children and manage a home!

Speak with a Solicitor so you know your rights and be prepared.

From what you have said, 50% would be a starting point, with him needing to pay maintenance for you and the children. A clean break could increase the 50% in return for less maintenance (which would be preferable.

[Notsoivorytower]

I'm sorry but if I were you I wouldn't be putting up with the selfish cunt!

He is being ridiculously unreasonable.

I chose to give up my job (a bloody good one - with an excellent salary and career path) to care for our first child who has special needs (he also took a salary cut to ensure he'd be more present and in this country more). We've also had two more children. I do do the lion's share - but he is a hands-on dad. However, he acknowledges that without me it would cost him £50k a year for a cleaner, a PA, extra carer, etc, etc and he's wise to that!

If your DH can't see your value it's time to let your feet do the talking. You know your self-worth. I say stand up for yourself and hit him where it hurts.

Good luck girl - you assert your independence and get your life back!

[Lampzade]

This is exactly why I refused to give up my career when dh was given a big promotion.
I definitely would not have agreed to be a trailing wife if this would have an adverse effect on my career

As another poster has just said. Your dh has probably met women at work who appear to have it all; high flying job, intelligent , perfect children . These women are probably getting a shit load of help; childminders, nannies, cleaners, family assistance, tutors, or have a partner who has made sacrifices.

Tbh he sounds like a complete and utter prick.

[CrazyLadie]

@AnotherAIBU

Thank you for your support.

It is my day off today. I am batch cooking (so HE doesn't have to cook when I am working) and applying for jobs. I filled out an application form for an hour and within 10 mins I got a rejection. Not even a computer-generated one, but a proper one.

I'm feeling really stressed. I don't even do anything nice on my day off. It is batch cooking, cleaning and kids clubs.

Sorry but in hell are you batch cooking so he doesn't have to cook? Stop being a mug, he speaks to you like shite, disrespect you and you run after him making sure he doesn't have to cook. Ya should just day 'ya will have to cook / batch cook for yourself as I no longer have the time with alm this kkb hunting you expect me to do' then tell him to fu k off if he has another single thing to say. So fed up of these partner sthat have not a single clue what it takes to raise kids when yer with them 24/7. It only took 2 weeks when my ex and I swapped roles and he stayed home for him to admit that staying home was much more hard working than being the bread winner.

[CrazyLadie]

@lechatnoir

Well your husband is a prick for not recognising the HUGE sacrifice you have made to raise a family and enable his career & for that alone I would be questioning my future with him .

sit down and tell him - great idea I'm off to resurrect my career, when will you be quitting your job/going PT so you can pick up all the jobs I've been doing these past 10/15 years? And yes send a backdated detailed invoice for your services as childcarer, cleaner, driver, PA & whatever else you do as primary carer.

I wouldn't even ask him that I would just tell him I have a full time job, YOU will need to arrange childcare, cleaner and weekly shopping deliveries end of

[CrazyLadie]

@AnotherAIBU

I forgot to mention also that he travels a lot. For example, in Dec he was away for 3 weeks.

Thanks for all the comments. Still feel stressed but coming around to the idea that I am not a useless lazy cow. He does gaslight me. Whenever I point out how I committed career suicide when I was a trailing spouse, he tells me "you didn't have to do it, it was my choice", which I suppose is factually correct.

So he would have offered you's to get divorced and you stay in the UK and prefer he didn't have his children? Sorry but that kidna comment would have had me hiring the best divorce lawyer in the country and putting the expenses I the divorce settlement

[Lampzade]

@CrazyLadie

Sorry but in hell are you batch cooking so he doesn't have to cook? Stop being a mug, he speaks to you like shite, disrespect you and you run after him making sure he doesn't have to cook. Ya should just day 'ya will have to cook / batch cook for yourself as I no longer have the time with alm this kkb hunting you expect me to do' then tell him to fu k off if he has another single thing to say. So fed up of these partner sthat have not a single clue what it takes to raise kids when yer with them 24/7. It only took 2 weeks when my ex and I swapped roles and he stayed home for him to admit that staying home was much more hard working than being the bread winner.

Exactly.
Op’s dh expects to get a high flying job presumably because he feels that she has an easier life.
Op , then batch cooks on her day off . Her dick of a husband does not realise that the reason that he and his kids are fed and the household is running efficiently is because Op has made it look easy .
Some women need to stop being martyrs.

[IAmTheWalrus85]

It is funny (well not funny, thoroughly misogynistic) that instead of saying to you ‘I’ll do more childcare and cooking and housework so that you can focus on your career for a while’ he tells you about entirely fictitious women who are doing everything you do, only better, whilst also having stellar careers.

And how does he know what their houses look like or what they cook for dinner?

[LaDamaDeElche]

@7Worfs

He is BU.
You facilitated his career by giving up yours, bearing and raising his children, and running the household.

This!

[LaDamaDeElche]

@AnotherAIBU

I forgot to mention also that he travels a lot. For example, in Dec he was away for 3 weeks.

Thanks for all the comments. Still feel stressed but coming around to the idea that I am not a useless lazy cow. He does gaslight me. Whenever I point out how I committed career suicide when I was a trailing spouse, he tells me "you didn't have to do it, it was my choice", which I suppose is factually correct.

Wow! So basically he doesn't see what you have put in to the family unit at all or how he is where he is because you supported him while he followed his career. That's pretty difficult to get past.

[LoveComedy]

Agree. You have to stand up for yourself and make your life easier. You are not a loser. Sometimes the world of big business turns even nice people into bastards, suspect there are work pressures and politics going on with your husband and he may resent what he perceives as an easier pace for you. He needs to appreciate how you make his life easier, or stop doing it.

[lottielooinwonderland]

Totally unreasonable. You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart about how you feel, what you've given up and set expectations for each other. No one else has moved around and taken a hit on their career like you while raising children. He needs to look at the whole picture and how much you've tried.
How did it come about? A comment in passing? A discussion? And argument?

[Lulu2171]

@rogueone

well me with my suspicious head on would be worried he wants you to get back into a high paying job so in the event you separate he wont have to give you as much. If he was a respectful loving DH who appreciated what you have done for the family and supporting him in his job he wouldn't be saying any of this.

This is spot on. It is advice divorce lawyers give to their male clients - the more your wife is earning the less maintenance you'll have to pay her. The fact that he's still going on about it makes me think he's planning something. It's very common when the kids are older. I'm sorry.

Nothing you can really do to stop the separation if he's determined (other that couples' counselling I guess), but certainly DO NOT get a better job, DO NOT economise in any way, live your life fabulously - you may right now be setting your standard of living for the rest of your life.

[billy1966]

@Lulu2171

This is spot on. It is advice divorce lawyers give to their male clients - the more your wife is earning the less maintenance you'll have to pay her. The fact that he's still going on about it makes me think he's planning something. It's very common when the kids are older. I'm sorry.

Nothing you can really do to stop the separation if he's determined (other that couples' counselling I guess), but certainly DO NOT get a better job, DO NOT economise in any way, live your life fabulously - you may right now be setting your standard of living for the rest of your life.

I agree.

Rather than stress about this, how about lean into it and start talking about an extended period of leave whilst you retrain....

Before saying a word litter the hall bureau with the literature of local courses .....

Aka, totally fxxk with him

[JockSmashnova]

See. I am a well qualified main breadwinner high flier. (Female)

DH was the SAHD when the smalls were smaller. When he went back to work were more equal in the domestic duties but I out earned him by around 50%.

then he got a chronic illness so I became the do—it—all wonderwoman for around 2 years. Until it all hit the fan…. Aaand I’m currently in my third month off sick with a serious stress related health condition. So, yeah. Don’t be me.

[StarsSand]

@Lulu2171

Agree. I remember seeing an interview with Kelsey Grammar where he said he encouraged Camille to go on real housewives for that exact reason.

[glowfrog]

OP should also be the one to initiate divorce proceedings - this is the only way to make sure he doesn't stiff her with the costs at the end out of spite.