DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

How is he going to help facilitate this for you? I understand your position - I have also been a trailing spouse and am currently in an okay job that fits around my DC and our house. My DH has encouraged me to 'get a better job' that has pay progression and matches my education level. I have found a job and been offered it, but he recognises if this is going to work he is going to have to do a lot more around the house than he does now, and adjust his working hours so he can drop DC off at school. Your DH needs to explain how he will help you with this.

Well done on starting to organise separate finances.

Another practical step might be a session(s) with an employment consultant who specialises in guiding women back into the workplace. Just to check that your presentation, on paper and in person, is what is currently expected in your field. Could be useful and confidence boosting? There are also various women's networking organisations which can be empowering.

Quietly find an excellent divorce lawyer, who can make sure you are fully compensated for making his career possible by following him around the world caring for children and home. Maybe have a preliminary consultation - I think you know this relationship is no longer good for you.

Good for you!!

Ungrateful men.

ThisIsTotallyNewInformation

Bit judgy and condescending. OP has clearly explained why her career was scuppered by his career choices.

@AnotherAIBU

Another thought- there are womens legal networks all over the world. Do they have a networking group or even a social media account in your region?

You could reach out to them and explain your situation- you're trying to revive your career and get your independence back.

I'd be surprised if you didn't find people willing to mentor you, help with work experience or even offer you a job with good progression prospects.

Women in the law are well versed in dealing with selfish entitled professional men.

That says it all really.
I’d start collating financial info. Getting recommendations for good divorce solicitor. Maybe book a consultation to see where you’d stand.
In meantime I’d focus on you and children. Stop the batch cooking, his washing, help you give him eg errands as you are around.
If he questions it you are busy updating cv, applying for jobs.
If you are legal there’s a women returners course each year. Even if it’s just to see what opportunities there are it might be well worth it for a confidence boost - plus it’s residential you could leave them all to it for a week. See how he likes school run, activities runs, cooking, washing, homework support.

Read this page OP www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/clean-break-or-spousal-maintenance-after-divorce-or-dissolution

What is spousal maintenance?

This is a regular payment made by a former husband, wife or civil partner to their ex-partner.

It’s only paid where one partner can’t support themselves financially without it.

The amount you receive would depend on:

how much you need to live on

how much income you already have, and

how much you could potentially earn in the future.

So if you were to divorce, he'd have to pay to support you if your income is not enough for you to support yourself. Which your current salary probably wouldn't be.

And no, it wasn't just his choice - you could have broken up with him in favour of your career.

Fucksake.

Are you seriously wishing OP's 3 DC away, & telling her it's all HER fault that she & her H wanted them?
Telling her that if she wanted a career, she can't have a husband?

If he wanted children, should HE have given up his career to raise them? Or is it just that you reckon he's allowed to Have It All, but OP isn't?

3 DC non uni age. Never heard that phrase before 🤣 your husband is being a dick. Did he sacrifice his career to have and care for children? What does he expect to happen if you get a top job with full time hours? Will he be doing drop offs and school stuff. Can't have it all ways.

Are you seriously wishing OP's 3 DC away, & telling her it's all HER fault that she & her H wanted them?
No, I'm not. Maybe read my post again.

I don't need to read ti twice to perceive its double standard.

I'm so angry with him on your behalf. How dare he?!

I would honestly be doing what everybody else is suggesting - update the CV, get copies of all the important documents, divert your entire salary into your own savings, and consult a good divorce solicitor. Start leaving him to pick up the housework shit, start putting on make up and arranging to go out with your friends of an evening and leave him to do kids routines more often. Be vague about who you are going out with.

She could have chosen to break up with this husband and have children and a career with another husband instead of choosing to be a trailing spouse. You seem to be dismissing the element of choice.

I don't need to read ti twice to perceive its double standard.
I think you're reading something into it from your own experiences.
I made the same choice as OP, and it was definitely a choice.

I work in a relatively senior job in finance technology. Hours are long and you’re expected to be as available as and when needed (we’re global) and salaries are high.

As a result, out of everyone I work with (including myself) I don’t know one family with DCs under uni age where the other partner isn’t either a SAHP, or has a job that fits round term time, or has significant family help - ie nanny, excellent wrap around childcare, lots of family help etc. it’s nigh on impossible for both people (and I talk from experience here) to do ‘big jobs’ with the long hours and sometimes travel that come with it, and look after kids, cover sick / holidays, get to dentists / Drs / parties / after school clubs etc

Your Dh is being totally unreasonable, especially as you did the trailing spouse thing and he travels a lot. If you both did ‘big jobs’ and he traveled for work, who’d look after the kids and get there in time to pick up from after school care, make tea etc? And then you have the ‘oh god, kid is sick, who out of the 2 of us can look after them today with least impact to my conference calls / in person meetings etc’ I suspect it’d always end up with you, which in itself, makes you ultimately less employable as you’re seen as less reliable

That’s really not nice. My ex, for all his faults, never pressured me to get a more high flying career even though he had a very good job and earned a lot of money. My contribution was time, his was money. My contribution was not less valuable than his as without it he couldn’t have free rein to do his job and work travel and run a family.

Two thoughts:
practical answer - Something always has to give OP. The top class career busting do it alls he refers to either have DHs juggling and putting their careers back, a host of staff to do it for them or DCs at boarding school. It doesn’t work otherwise - tell him.
he’s looking for reasons to pick on you, something is a foot and you need to get to the bottom of it. Affair brewing, is he stressed or not coping or about to be made redundant?

She could have chosen to break up with this husband and have children and a career with another husband instead of choosing to be a trailing spouse. You seem to be dismissing the element of choice.

She's not the one who is unhappy with the choice though, it's her husband who benefitted from the choice that they both made together because that's what partners do to move around to follow his career and sacrifice hers, and now he's crying because he's unhappy with a natural consequence of that choice. He benefitted hugely from her being a trailing spouse, and is now throwing it in her face as "her choice". Fuck him.

seems to me that he has tied one hand behind your back, then complaining that you can't now juggle.

Most unfair, and is he not concerned about your happiness as you were his in endeavours around the world? If you'd refused to move abroad and kept him in uk would that have made him happy - I doubt it as it would have curtailed his promotions and carer

He's a twat. Divorce him and take half his money.

He’s being really unreasonable. You sacrificed your career for his career. It must be so awful & hurtful that your partner won’t even acknowledge this fact.
Id be having a reality check with him on this. He wouldn’t have had his career without you supporting him by sacrificing your career to trail around the globe in his footsteps. He needs an attitude adjustment.

Because he has you feeling guilty, you’re putting all your wages into joint savings. Stop this now. Open a personal pension for yourself in your name. That way he can’t spend the money, and if you do end up divorcing this ungrateful man, there will be more to work with to ensure you are not left living in poverty in your old age.