DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

One if the US partners at the City firm I worked at was scoffing at a peer “and can you believe he’s still with his first wife?!” Ie the mark of a loser. Sadly he misjudged his audience and was hated even more than he already was…

Yes, that will work. Not.

And tell him that it is pretty gross for those super duper lawyer women with 4* AL students to still be breastfeeding them at their desks. 😁

Exactly! Compared to these amazing women, you are "failing" in his mind because you aren't a "top lawyer and banker". But does he run an organised house, make meals from scratch and have DC with straight 'A's?

Perhaps gently point out that neither of you currently seems to be living up to the standards these women set as individuals, but you can do all that and also have pleasant, lower-stress lives if you work as a team!

I agree that he is being unreasonable here, but there was a thread by someone last month with the opposite roles, her husband had stayed at home and did all the early years/childcare etc whist she focused on her career, but she now wanted him to step up and earn more and that she felt resentment towards him now the kids were teens. The replies were the polar opposite to on here.

well me with my suspicious head on would be worried he wants you to get back into a high paying job so in the event you separate he wont have to give you as much. If he was a respectful loving DH who appreciated what you have done for the family and supporting him in his job he wouldn't be saying any of this.

I don't think one person has turned his head (yet), but I do think there are a group of women who have influenced his opinion. Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks*
And have they put their careers on hold and been following their husbands around the world while he becomes Mr Big Shot in the corp world? I know they are hyperthetical people but if this is his thinking he is being VU and has forgotten what you have sacrificed over the years, and what you have put on bringing up your family.

I liked what a PP said, if that's the case why isn't he doing all this.

Anyway, I think it's time you boosted your earnings for you, just in case you need a back up plan.

You must stop cleaning OP? Pay a cleaner and stop doing unpaid work yourself.

Also - stop batch cooking - DH needs to cook for himself when you’re working.

OP, the red flags are there and you have time to find something that will be self sustaining for you.

If you have a law degree, may I suggest company secretarial work - your degree lets you qualify more quickly and it tends to attract the more mature set as a career, so see if it interests you.

OP made joint decisions, in tandem with her husband, about how they would manage their family life.

He made & accepted those decisions, benefited hugely from them, & is now moaning about them. There is only one party not taking responsibility for his own decisions here.

I expect you feel all tough now though, kicking a woman who's already being horribly kicked by her H. Well done you, aren't you the hard case.

You made that choice as a team, presumably. You didn't demand he take the overseas job and throw your career away on a whim.

He has also spent years collecting reaping the rewards of 'your choice'.

Absolutely gaslighting and it does sound like the script.

What does he expect you to do with a 30 year old law degree? Does his firm regularly hire people in their 50s who have been out of the workforce for decades?

Divorce him and take him to the cleaners. He's a twat.

You mentioned that he works away sometimes OP. When he's working away, are things easier or more difficult at home? Do you or the children miss him? Is life better or worse when he's around?

Divorce first, then up your earnings! He is being unbelievably cruel.

I work ft with 3 children aged 1-6, wrap around care and juggling is how we do it, it means my career doesn't die a death. I think this is a case of you being happy with a lovely lifestyle and no stress, can't blame you, but your husband has to be happy to support that. Your kids don't sound really young, so it must be a lifestyle choice?

What are his plans if you took a job travelling like he has.
I met my dh at uni, same course. He’s very respectful of input at home. He fully acknowledges that it would be impossible to do what he does without me. Even with a teen.
Once respect is gone I think writing is on the wall for the relationship.

I just came on to have start a thread to have a moan about my DH, having left me with most of mental load and domestic arrangements- used his time to pursue his business ideas. Several failed enterprises - he loves having the idea and doing the prep but always fails to see it through. I earn more. I’ve been the main and stable breadwinner throughout.

He moans at me for not going back to work full time.

I say to both of them. FUCk OFF!!

I am so sick of bloody entitled men and the absolute lack of value placed on domestic work.

Sorry that your husband is being such a twat too. At least he does bring in the money? Mine does a shit job at both breadwinning and domestic stuff and still pressures me to do more. Sigh.

Im going to follow your lead and create a secret bank account too. Ducks in a row!

Apologies for the language. Today I am angry!!

Nope.

Divorce the ungrateful, undermining fucker, & your lawyer will split his pension for you without you even needing to discuss it with H.

You mentioned that he works away sometimes OP. When he's working away, are things easier or more difficult at home?

More chilled out.

He is BU.
My Mum had a saying "The more you do for people, the less they respect you , it's never enough."
She happily stayed at home, flatly refused to go out to work saying raising a family was a full time job and my Dad absolutely worshipped her, she could do no wrong in his eyes.
I would nod and smile politely, then go into work tell them your reducing your hours, take on a cleaner, and finally live life at a more slower relaxed way of life. No need to tell hubby, just say they reduced your hours if he asks. Enoughs enough, he doesn't appreciate all that you've done and are still doing. Stuff the high flying job, it will bring nothing but more stress.

I'd go to a solicitor and find out where you'd stand financially if you broke up tomorrow. I imagine you could get half the pensions and house.

How would your salary impact the settlement? Would he be obliged to pay more if your earning power was less? Unless you really want to, I don't see why you should slave your arse off in a more challenging job as well as doing all the domestic stuff, just so he pays out less if you break up.

I suspect he might be on the hook for spousal allowance or whatever they call it, if your earnings are not enough to live on. If you earn more, he wouldn't be. Get legal advice on it. I don't think the relationship is going to last forever, unfortunately. Time to start planning what you want from life, not hanging on his coat tails.

Whenever I point out how I committed career suicide when I was a trailing spouse, he tells me "you didn't have to do it
This is defensive behaviour. He sees this "pointing out" as criticism of him, for negatively affecting your career. If you phrase it critically then it is understandable if he sees it as criticism. So he's defending himself by saying it wasn't just his choice. And no, it wasn't just his choice - you could have broken up with him in favour of your career. Also not ideal but it was an option.
But presumably this isn't a discussion about your options back then; it's a discussion about why you don't have a better-paying job now? His defensive reaction means you're straying off the point. Maybe try to approach it from a different angle - not "career suicide" or similar but instead "I was happy to support your career, and you were happy with that too. We both reap the benefits and face the consequences of that choice."