DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

Tell him that a PA costs £90k gross per year, a housekeeper £55k gross and a driver £45k gross. Ask him how he’d like to pay you those salaries … monthly or weekly.

He wouldn't have his big job and three children if it wasn't for your support.

I have seen a few friends DH's run off with late 30's/ 40's single professional woman with no DC, but I am not worried about this, only because I feel sorry for the poor bitch if she takes him off me.

Sadly we all have. The reality of midlife with children. They want to be childfree like their 20s again. The life of two high income couples.

Unless you're struggling financially, he is BU. Not only is it hard for you to get the job he envisages, he's expecting to the work at a more stressful level, for longer and most of the childcare/housework - you've not his slave. Some people might be superwoman, but not you. You've done your share over the years putting money into the house, giving up everything so you can support him career wise, looking after your joint family.

I have a friend who works full time, she starts her weekend at 6am doing the food shop and spends weekend putting on four loads washing, ironing, cleaning large house and she does the gardening! Sunday afternoon/evening are saved for cooking meals to freeze so it's easy in the week to heat something up at 8pm. My other friend who works full-time has a very hands on DH who'll do his share of the housework/shopping, but they're a bit more relaxed over keeping up with stuff - not saying it's filthy but you can see bathroom/kitchen areas haven't had a good wipe down etc.

Have you tried having a serious chat with him about what you've applied for and haven't got and how stressed you're feeling with the pressure of getting a new job, and in turn managing the house - if you can get a job with more hours, he needs to know what household tasks you expect him to do Saturday morning, while you're doing other tasks.

This makes me so angry for you.

I know loads of men in high powered careers who only still have them, and happy kids and a nice home life - because they married lovely women like you who were willing to sacrifice their careers to support theirs.

Then, once they've gotten a bit bored of their life and how comfortable it is, they look around and see younger or high powered career women and think that's what they want next. And no doubt will either drain those women of their ambition or resent them for not being sacrificing enough.

Your DH is the problem. He can't be happy with the life he has as he's always chasing something better. He's at the peak of his career with nothing left to chase there, has the travel and house and kids, so he's turned on you. It's an issue with career driven type A men - they always want the next best thing. The quality that makes them great at work makes them shit life partners.

I would resurrect your career to whatever it can be, no pressure to be successful, just financially independent and stop doing everything for him. A serious conversation on how unhappy YOU are with him and what he needs to change to support you. All the things you want him to be and your disappointment he's not. Then observe him. If he's apologetic and empathetic with how you feel and lays off the pressure, then he's proven himself a good husband. If you find him spending more time away from you and the family, I'd be wary. And do not be shamed or guilted about who you are and what you've achieved. Call him out on his ungratefulness, and don't let it wreck your self esteem.

Stand your ground and don't let him call all the shots on who or what you want to be.

You have borne all the career disadvabtage so he can enjoyed all the career advantage as a result of your marriage arrangement. He is being completely unreasonable.

Sounds like he wants to divorce you and not pay you out as much £££

He seems to be projecting some kind of stress onto you? Is he worried about job security or finances?
(Or perhaps he's just a thoughtless twat)

Either way,.he's being totally unreasonable. Being a trailing spouse was inevitably going to make sustaining a career tricky.

He is an unreasonable arsehole. How dare he treat you like this after all you have done to support his career?

He's being an arse.

Stop putting money into joint savings. Put it into your own escape fund.

I do often wonder what is going to happen when my DC have left home and if then he is going to get the younger, career woman 2nd wife.

This has been going on for a while and that is why I went back to work I have also set up my own account that he doesn't know about to set up an emergency fund which I have been paying into for 3 years.

It is interesting about the career disadvantage thing. I have often wondered if a court would give me any consideration if we got divorced, but after reading MN just thought I would just get screwed over like every other woman on the planet.

Sometimes I think I would be better off broke and without someone moaning at me all the time and making me feel like a loser.

A court would give consideration to your situation - I have seen it done.

If I were I would go a on residential “training course” somewhere, 2 - 4 weeks, and leave him to do every single thing you normally do - it might open his eyes a bit.

Do you enjoy your job, does it make you satisfied and does it contribute enough to the family income? If yes, he is being an arse.

How old are your children?

It must be draining to live with a man like that who does not appreciate all you have done for him. I think it is great that you have that fund. Keep paying into it and plan for your future.

He may have a big important job but he's an idiot.

Be prepared for the next time he starts.

Can you apply for any courses that will update/enhance your qualifications/skillset?
Tell him that if/when you get accepted you expect the support that you gave him. So he can then do or arrange his share of the kids appointmentments/school runs etc.
Or pay for a nanny. This will cost £x.
A dog walker will cost £z
You will of course need a cleaner. This will cost £y.
Even better if you have to go away for a week on a course. He can cope with everything whilst you are working away. When he moans about all he's had to do (and taken time off work to do it) you can agree and point out you also work whilst doing all that and it will be so nice to permanently split all of the house & family stuff because with both of you working full time it will only be fair.

You are not being unreasonable.

What a complete wanker. Of COURSe there are highy successful women with three children, powerful jobs etc out there. But those women have spent the last 15-30 years doing their career and have had support in the form of DHs who have stepped up and/or nannies and/or housekeepers etc etc etc.

YOU on the other hand have spent the last 15 years literally "trailing" him around the world. I cannot believe he is being such a dick about this.

If you were to get divorced I think you'd do pretty well out of it. It's not even like a regular SAHM who often has some misogynist twat asking, "Well, why didn't you choose to work AND look after children" you literally could not do it becuase you were in different countries.

I'm actually sitting here seething on your behalf.

Have you spoke about why he wants you to get a better job? Is he looking to step back from his career due to stress/burnout? Is there possible redundancy on the way?

Could there be a reason other than him being a dickhead to want you to take up more of the financial burden?

Why is his view about the value of a person solely linked to their income and status? It is sad and demeaning.

You are worth respect, honour and gratitude. Your career/job title isn't what defines you. Your husband should be building you up, not making you feel like shit.

Your DH sounds like a small-minded fool.

I’m not sure you are focusing on the right thing here. He is expressing dissatisfaction WITH YOU. I would be wondering whether his head is being turned elsewhere. You say as a family you are financially comfortable but he is not happy and has focused on you as the reason. Listen to him and get your ducks in a row.

What a prick. After all you sacrificed allowing him to lead the way and progress his career while you were the backstop.

I'd be really devastated of thus happened to me, and it would question how much of a team he sees us as.

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks*

I'd be saying to him "are you embarrassed that they are more competent at juggling work and family life than you?"

you are unreasonable for thinking for a second that you are the unreasonable one here.

is the pressure getting to him and he’s starting to take it out on you by being a prick?

Fuck that guy. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too.

He wanted you at his beck and call when it suited him, but apparently you were also meant to be magically building up a professional career at the same time.

Does he think you can click your fingers and jump straight into the career you would have had had you not been a trailing spouse supporting his career?

That's not how the world works.

Also the women he is comparing you to are a fiction. They're hardly going to be telling their male coworkers the dark side of their perfect fronts. They probably have Nannies, or SAH husbands, or their mums live with them, or they haven't had sex with their husbands in years because they're so tired.

If he does leave you for the childless younger professional make sure you take him for all you are worth.

Is there anything you want to do? If so I would use this to your advantage. Tell him you need to do some training and tell him you will need a cleaner and childcare to facilitate. If you are wondering if you have a future together then whatever the rights and wrongs are (he is wrong!) then maybe it is time to think about how you could up your income in case you need to go it alone.