DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

The last thing you need is additional job stress if you are about to become a single parent.
This is a good point ...

He is being totally U here, he didn’t say you needed a top job when you were raising your DC or following him.
He is being a mean dick.

Easiest "not unreasonable" answer for a long time! I am sorry you are married to an arse.

Yes, your husband is being totally unreasonable and unrealistic. I really feel for you.

The harsh reality is that no matter how brilliant you are , how much you network and try to gain more qualifications - you can’t make up for those lost years and get a well paying city type job - it’s just not possible. Anyone who suggests that this is possible is being disingenuous.

I work in that type of environment. You can just about make a come back in your 30s if you try super hard and get lucky. In your 40s or 50s? No way.

What's the issue if you have no debt, he has a good salary and you do everything. I'd suggest sending him an invoice for what you're doing for him now! It's not like you're not trying and just lazing about, I'd tell him to pull his head in and be a supportive partner

Tell him, he is right. You made a choice to stay married to him, then.

Then say, if you divorce it will be 50/50 as you now need to rebuild your life and he made the choice for 3 children.

Ps do a post grad, look at temping in the city for experience. Changed my life.

You should put some of it in your own account to save or spend just so you have some money.

He’s not being fair to you

I don't understand this - your choice? What does he suggest you should have done instead? Divorced him? Refused to travel and let him go abroad on his own? It sounds more like he decided and expected you to go along with his decision and is now blaming you for doing that.

I would feel like putting in for divorce now - see if he dares ask for 50/50 where he has to arrange for childcare for his days when he is travelling.

Yes threaten him with 50/50 split (probably more for you as you may get spousal support and a higher % of assets). Big men with their big jobs hate having to give half their big pensions away.

This!

And take a good look at your pension entitlement.

Oh what a nasty, ungrateful man. He doesn’t deserve you.

Hi, Another's DH.

He is being ridiculously unreasonable. You sound extremely busy and capable. The only reason he is able to do is job is because of all the multi tasking, planning and organising that you do in ALL of your jobs.
Is this out of character for him? Don’t let him try to demean what you do.

This is such a common and depressing story, I am sorry.

If I had known how much it would cost me personally to walk away from my career, have three children and follow DH to a new country we made the joint decision that I would not work - I am not sure, with hindsight, that I would have done it. 15 years ago, he was offered redundancy and I asked him if he would take it, take on the burden of family life and allow me to follow my career - he said no, so I resigned and we packed up our lives and followed his career. I remain resentful and the further along these sidings that I travel, the more depressing it gets.

I don't have any answers because if he cannot see that as a male, the deck is stacked in his favour and every step that you took to support him and support your family, removes the trump cards from your hand and places them in his. There is no way back, no matter how hard you work. At the age of 50, it is increasingly difficult to find any job, let alone one that pays highly and it is not going to get any easier.

If some of you RTFT you will see that OP HAS been making financial arrangements..
Your DH is a twat, @AnotherAIBU but I guess you were coming to that conclusion on your own. I hope when he is away next, you can relax & enjoy time on your own without being got at, & your job that you enjoy (which to my mind is worth much more than £££ in the bank.)
So pleased that you are taking responsibility for the future & stashing away a nest egg. SO sensible. Hugs..

If he's on a good salary, you should be outsourcing what you can.
Do you have a cleaner?
I assume his London City job requires an ironed shirt every day, who does that?

Nothing really to add except please start putting your money into your own account and not joint. Use his money for living on and consider it a wage for cooking, cleaning childminding, gardening, decorating etc.

ASAP - get him to see the disparity and to transfer half of his pension fund to one in your name and to continue to pay equal amounts into both pensions.

It’s a variation of the script. Painting you as a lazy woman leeching off him. Constructing an entirely different narrative so he can justify his behaviour towards you. I don’t think it would matter what job you had because it sounds like the issue is with him.

This. He's being a complete arse.

YANBU and he is being a bellend.

did you train as a lawyer? There are returner programs specific for lawyers and though they are often for women who have not worked in a few years they are also offered for women who may have been working but not in the career they trained in. See this site for information on Women Returners Resources for Lawyers

you have sacrificed your career so he could reach the heights he has in his own. I hope you can find a way to advance for you not for him.

For a start I would be diverting that £1200 into another account. Tell him you realise you have been remiss about funding your own pension pot due to having gaps in your cv because of the years you were supporting his career at the expense of your own.

Yup, I’d say a divorced mate is turning up with a hotshot woman of the variety he’s talking about. And he’s wondering why he can’t have one, too!