DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

@AnotherAIBU are you coming back to comment?

Most people are not horrible, but appear horrible through fear.

First check if he isn't worried about money? Ask him if you are struggling financially and if that's why he wants you to get a high earning job? Fìnd out why he wants you to do it.

I am guilty myself of pestering my partner last night to try earn more money after reading the pension thread! He probably thinks I'm a twat. But yeah, I'm fed up of trying to make ends meet. I bet a lot of couples are having these conversations in clumsy ways and upsetting each other because they're financially stressed.

See where the conversation goes before deciding if he is an outright moron.

She is probably busy with the divorse proceeding after the advice here. 😳

This.

Sorry for not replying sooner. I am still here. I was working and then had a really busy weekend and then working yesterday. Also, I don't want to be on MN when he is in the house. Plus, he uses this computer at night and I couldn't delete the history completely, a grey moon symbol and this thread refused to remove it from my history and I shat myself.

There are lots to take in on this thread, and lots of notes to take.

He may be biding his time till the DC are older, maybe wanting me to get a better job to pay me less maintenance. I don't know, but it is in the back of my mind so I will take the advice about not getting a better job, upping my hours etc. and look to go on a training course. There are things I am interested in doing.

My DH says he loves me very much, but I think he loves his job more. He is a big taskmaster. There is no sitting around when he is here, there are things to do. Sometimes I feel more like he is my manager, than my DH.

From my side, I don't really want to get divorced. I actually love my DH very much. I just want to be appreciated. I did get very upset the other day and told him how I feel. He got his facts wrong about one of our moves and my giving up a job, and I called him out on it and he admitted he was wrong. He says he doesn't care what I earn, apparently, he just thinks my "great CV" is a waste. I told him to take it to his HR and see what they say about the holes bigger than Swiss cheese.

I appreciate all the responses, which have given me some direction.

Overall this is a more positive update than I was expecting. Well done you for standing your ground with him. It sounds like his motivations are more to do with prestige than pay cheques, so in order to win him around to why the status quo is fine, I would emphasise what value there is in the work you currently do. I'm in the civil service and my husband, employed in a different industry in the private sector, basically makes twice what I do, but (without outing myself too much here) there is a "greater good" value to the work I do. We have what we refer to as the dinner party test - regardless of what you earn, would you feel proud to tell a stranger at a dinner party what your occupation is? Do you actually enjoy your work and see intrinsic value in it? If so, that should be enough for your husband.