DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

Apparently, you are an intelligent woman with a good degree. You made your own decisions. Take responsibility for your own decisions and stop blaming your STBXH.

Thank you for your support.

It is my day off today. I am batch cooking (so HE doesn't have to cook when I am working) and applying for jobs. I filled out an application form for an hour and within 10 mins I got a rejection. Not even a computer-generated one, but a proper one.

I'm feeling really stressed. I don't even do anything nice on my day off. It is batch cooking, cleaning and kids clubs.

Hes a dick, you gave up your career to support his. Why does he think you need to be a high earner? A status thing? You obviously don't need the money? Or is he getting bitter that he's contributing most of the spend? Well he has to realise why you have struggled, and it was for him!

Do you feel better about that?

This. How horrible for you OP, it’s him that is being unreasonable big time!

I do often wonder what is going to happen when my DC have left home and if then he is going to get the younger, career woman 2nd wife.

A colleague of mine is the younger, career woman 2nd wife. He was with his ex 25 years - she gave up work to raise the kids and he became a senior director. My colleague is 15 years younger than him and was very ambitious and successful. Never had kids or been married.

They had an affair for 3 years and when his youngest left for uni he left his wife. Married my colleague. She genuinely thought she'd hit the jackpot with him and was madly in love with him. (His cheating should have set her straight but clearly rose tinted glasses were on)

Surprise surprise - my London living, vibrant dynamic successful colleague has now moved out to a very rural area. To the big house she helps maintain while he's travelling for work. She's lost all motivation for her own career and completely stepped off the pedal. It's such an incredible change, and I don't know what he's said or done. But when I last met her, she was like a different person. Didn't seem at all happy or like herself. Much more subdued and unsure of herself.

He, however, is still in London a few days a week. And she's his museum piece taken out for social events so he can show off his young, beautiful, successful wife. Well this is as successful as she'll ever be - he can't have her progressing anymore, that's too much of a threat. He hasn't changed - is still a self absorbed, controlling arsehole. My friend just represented a challenge and now that he has her, he's pulling the same shit he did on his ex.

You're right to feel sorry for anyone he sets his sights on next. So just look out for yourself. You will be happier on your own than with someone who breaks you down bit by bit.

Well look, if he's that interested in you getting a better job, and he's a high up in his company as you say, he should have plenty of contacts to put in a good word for you. Would he do that for you?

perhaps do 3 months as if you were full time lawyer. So he has to do 50% of everything at home. Do not be at home to facilitate his half.
if he can scope, with his job, plus increased childcare costs then suggest you will apply and be full time 7-7pm!!!

then maybe it is time to think about how you could up your income in case you need to go it alone.

Yep, I am doing this.

I like the job I have. IMO it is very stable and can take me to retirement. However, the pay is not good. I think my better option is to get an additional job that pays better as a top-up. I save all my money, I don't buy anything and I have begun to sell things I don't need to go into my savings account. I am trying my best to lay down a buffer for the future. I have also sured up my state pension and a private pension.

there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks
If such women do exist, they have a supportive spouse who's enabled them to maintain their career trajectory. Not a husband who puts his own career first always, failing to appreciate a) the sacrifice you have made in giving up your career, b) the fact that he would not have had his career without that sacrifice and c) all the other contributions you make to his quality of life. Or a husband who deliberately ignores all those things because of the Script.
Does he work with a high-flying female perchance?

Jesus. What an idiot. You’re working at a paid job part time and doing a full time job running a home. 🙄.

If he is such a big shot, he should be able to set you up with a well paid legal job.

I'd be trying to get a well paid job OP, but only to set yourself up for a life without him.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job.

He's not just unreasonable OP, he is an unreasonable arsehole.

Who does he think bought his first house, supported him as a trailing spouse abroad, raised his children, took a career hit for her family?

How is it that he can't understand this?

He’s being very unreasonable. I’d wonder if he’s considering divorce and wanting to avoid paying you more in equity and possibly spousal maintenance if he’s a very high earner.
Older children still need a lot of input and support. I only have one and it’s a lot of time.
If you are legal look at council
or in house. I’ve found it far more flexible. Obviously not big money but full time often wfh.

What a twat. Does he recognise that he has only been able to have his career because you have sacrificed yours?

Love this response !

Well your husband is a prick for not recognising the HUGE sacrifice you have made to raise a family and enable his career & for that alone I would be questioning my future with him .

sit down and tell him - great idea I'm off to resurrect my career, when will you be quitting your job/going PT so you can pick up all the jobs I've been doing these past 10/15 years? And yes send a backdated detailed invoice for your services as childcarer, cleaner, driver, PA & whatever else you do as primary carer.

Don't get a new job becuase of him. Go speak to a solicitor instead and figure out what you'd be entitled to (my guess is, plenty). Then consider ditching him completely.

He's being a complete wanker.

If he knows women like that then I’d strongly suspect they have a supportive partner with a flexible job/lower earner or have thrown money at it - private school, housekeeper and nanny.

Exactly this. I wouldn't be changing my job right now, I'd be gearing up a shit hot divorce lawyer. The last thing you need is additional job stress if you are about to become a single parent. You'll need the flex to give your kids stability.

I forgot to mention also that he travels a lot. For example, in Dec he was away for 3 weeks.

Thanks for all the comments. Still feel stressed but coming around to the idea that I am not a useless lazy cow. He does gaslight me. Whenever I point out how I committed career suicide when I was a trailing spouse, he tells me "you didn't have to do it, it was my choice", which I suppose is factually correct.

Yep, this.

If he still fails to grasp it, perhaps you could compile it into an interpretative dance production for him, entitled ‘The Patriarchy.’

@MsMarch @AnotherAIBU exactly this stay in your nice job you’ll clean up if you separate and won’t have to listen to his moaning win win !

Exactly.
If it's so fucking easy to do, challenge him to do what they do for a month. He shouldn't have any problem and he wont even need to breastfeed! Don't lift a finger, don't stock the freezer. I really like the suggestion of going off on a two week residential training course at the other end of the country that someone's mentioned above.

The reality is that these women have support systems that let them keep on top of a big career and all the housekeeping. You just have you, and he's like an extra kid to look after and feed on top of it.

Sadly, I have seen this a lot. Where men, once they have risen to the top, reassess their wife and mother of their children through their own bastard lens. Their ego takes over and they want a wife who reflects their new power position. Never mind the complicated life journey that got them there. They suddenly think "you were the same as me before you supported and provided all the services that a family needs to run why aren't we now a glamour couple. I deserve a marriage partner from the top of the corporate tree, an equal. I should be in a power couple. I fancy women more who are successful, it is what I, the hotshot, deserve".

Odious.

Btw, if there was a form e you would have to declare all bank accounts so keep that money with a trusted person or in cash. Not honest, but neither is he.