Not to let DS have a bowl of porridge?

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

DS11 is a fussy eater. He has some sensory issues that play into that, rather than it being purely annoying fussy if you know what I mean.

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things. BUT he usually has a lot of ketchup on his food (any food!) and currently he is not having ketchup at all - his choice as he has a bet with dh to go without for 40 days to get extra v-bucks for Fortnite. He is over half way with this and doing well. He has eaten pasta without ketchup in this time.

This evening he refused the pasta saying there was too much pesto. Then he asked for porridge instead which he is sometimes allowed if he has tried a new tea and doesn’t like it. I said no, because he has a perfectly edible acceptable tea in front of him. He is hungry and in a strop.

Aibu?

Don't put pesto in it next time. Not everyone likes the taste. I'm not keen

^^ before you accuse me of not reading your other posts like you did to a similar poster who commented on the ketchup.

My Ds has autism and has AFRID. I can count on both hands the foods he accepts, he’s on prescribed nutritional shakes for vitamins and calories as he’s been severely underweight for years.

I stand by my post with the sauce situation. Never use food as a tool. Although your dh probably meant well, it’s not the way to go about it with a child who is fussy and has sensory issues relating to foods.

My point about reading my previous posts (and perhaps I still haven’t made it clear) is that the bet was entirely ds idea. It didn’t come from dh at all. DH went along with it but neither of us thought for a second he’d actually do it. He is reminded regularly that he is free to have ketchup anytime he wants. To be honest, although obviously it’s a pain with him not eating some food, we’re both very impressed by his willpower. Also just to add, yes the reward is v-bucks, but he got loads of v-bucks for Christmas and has his own money which he is able to spend on v-bucks if he wants. So it’s not like giving up ketchup is his only way to get them. It’s entirely his choice.

It doesn't matter that it was your DS's idea about the ketchup.

Your DH is the adult and he should have been the adult in that situation and said no.

If the bet involved banging his head against a wall or making himself sick every day you wouldn't say "Oh well it was DS's idea" - your DH would have been the adult and said "No, that's not a wise idea. That's not something to use as a bet". Which is what he should have done this time rather than making all your lives harder.

The fact you expected him to fail is probably at least partly driving your DS's determination not to give in.

I think perhaps you have got the wrong idea about how many foods ds will eat without ketchup. He does PREFER most things with ketchup on, but with the exception of this pasta he has been fine with the majority of his normal foods that he eats.

I just think making food into any type of a bet with a child who has food issues isn’t a great idea. Food issues generally stem from control problems - like a child who doesn’t feel in control may restrict food to have an element of control over their life. Allowing a child to make bets about restricting food to earn gaming money is linking food to control and reward, which isn’t a great idea. I mean if my son said ‘shall we have a bet that I can give up apples for a month and you will pay me money for the arcade’ I’d say of course not. Food just doesn’t work like that.

What is up with women on here? Just because the OP put that her child is 'Autistic' now we have autistic adults ganging up on the OP.

Autism causes rigidity in behaviour. If you keep giving the same thing over and over and over again, they become stuck and in OP's case, will refuse to eat any other types of food. It is not "controlling"! Oh guess what? I bribed my child to have a sweet if he took a blood test (which he needed to get to diagnose some underlining health needs). Am I being manipulated then?

There are Autistic children in special schools that are tube fed. Tube Fed?!! Because of this exact reason and the school staff refused to used any methods to get the child to eat. Sometimes, behaviour works and you need to use it.

@secular39

thank goodness you’re here - what would we do without your brand of idiocy?

OPs son may be able to tolerate more new food than others. Good. However what lots of people brand ‘fussiness’ is more complicated for many people, autistic people included.

I have two autistic children with food issues.

I can force them to eat stuff. I’ll also have to clean up the vomit afterwards (and that’s after I pinned them down and forced the food in). Then deal with the trauma and lack of trust afterwards. Surprisingly I’ll listen to the occupational therapists and other specialists I’ve consulted rather than some dozy twit.

Your ignorant comments are not at all applicable to autistic children who have sensory and other issues surrounding food.

If you don’t KNOW about something then learn or shut up.

DS isn’t autistic 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza

Yes, sorry OP - I know that.

My post is to the person who thinks you can train people out of food issues with harsh treatment.

@Merryoldgoat

Please read my post again. I have Autistic DC's too by the way . Did I mention any thing about 'force feeding' no? Did I mention anything about pinning down a child.. no. Maybe you should read my post over and over and over again- until it sinks in and hopefully it will make sense to you. Most OT's will recommend that a child exposed to new foods and their a hierarchical of steps to follow to get the child to move into trying new food and amongst other things.

Some of the PP's on here are harsh. Sorry OP don't where I read Autistic.

@secular39

I’m sorry if I misunderstood your post but it’s not clear to me how you can say tube fed children and being so because they weren’t properly exposed to different food if you have experience of a child with true food issues.

OTs generally recommend wide sensory input and exposure to food but not to give them food they won’t eat when they’re not ready.

Food is one of those things which cause many frustrations for everyone involved. I definitely subscribe to the 'not making mealtimes a battleground' ethos BUT when faced with years of food issues even the most saintly can get frustrated and occasionally confrontational about food.

DS1 ate everything put in front of him until he was 9. At that point I cooked a 2 course dinner for up to 10 children who mostly ate what I gave them without fuss.

Then he started saying he didn't like foods he had previously eaten and would pick out stuff at first but eat the rest. Then he started refusing to eat certain foods mostly blaming the smell or texture rather than the taste. Since then he has never eaten potatoes (in any form), any cooked vegetables, any meat except chicken and sausages. He wouldn't eat anything in a sauce, ate pasta with a sprinkling of cheese. I can't say I wasn't frustrated, and, hand on heart, there were times that I tried to make him try something else. By the time he was 12 his diet was severely restricted so I decided I would only make him food that he asked for. It was a weight off my shoulders and definitely reduced the stress around mealtimes. I would simply cook for the rest of us and then give him a plate of raw veg, chicken or hummus, a wrap or pitta bread, and I never commented on his choices. By the time he was 14 he just sorted his own food out.

He's 24 now and, in comparison to his brother who eats anything and everything, still has a restricted diet. But he survived uni cooking for himself and now he's back home I've noticed more and more things creeping into his diet. He enjoys meatballs, burgers, chicken. He makes himself elaborate Asian dishes, enjoys Italian food and eats out regularly with his friends. He still won't eat any cooked vegetables but will eat all of them raw, never chooses to eat fruit although will eat a satsuma type citrus if I give him one.

One of the other children I fed (was childminding) once hid under a table and sobbed for hours because I put peas on his plate, he found mealtimes extremely stressful because he felt under pressure. He's 26 now and said to me on Saturday 'bet you never thought I would be a vegetarian eh' lol.

So my advice is step back. Take food discussions off the table and just leave him to it. You will all be happier for it.

There are Autistic children in special schools that are tube fed. Tube Fed?!! Because of this exact reason and the school staff refused to used any methods to get the child to eat. Sometimes, behaviour works and you need to use it.

I work with children who are disabled and many are tube fed. It isn’t ‘because of this exact reason.’ Bribing the children to give up foods for gaming money will not somehow eradicate the issues that cause them to be tube fed. Obviously.

Ds is tube fed due to his eating issues. When he was young he was exposed to a wide range of foods. He ate a wide range of foods etc etc.

it didnt stop him developing severe feeding issues from around age 6. By age 9 he was severely underweight so tube feeding was much a last resort. No amount of bribery would have avoided it!