Not to let DS have a bowl of porridge?

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

DS11 is a fussy eater. He has some sensory issues that play into that, rather than it being purely annoying fussy if you know what I mean.

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things. BUT he usually has a lot of ketchup on his food (any food!) and currently he is not having ketchup at all - his choice as he has a bet with dh to go without for 40 days to get extra v-bucks for Fortnite. He is over half way with this and doing well. He has eaten pasta without ketchup in this time.

This evening he refused the pasta saying there was too much pesto. Then he asked for porridge instead which he is sometimes allowed if he has tried a new tea and doesn’t like it. I said no, because he has a perfectly edible acceptable tea in front of him. He is hungry and in a strop.

Aibu?

Truthfully, while I agree with you in principle, Op, I don’t like pesto and I don’t like turkey in my pasta. I’d rather have porridge too. Will he not eat chicken and some kind of vegetables?

You need to take all the stress out of food and just give him the porridge. Let him make it himself. I had an extremely fussy eater to cope with. Honestly, the kid eats anything now at the age of 20. He also has sensory issues. Don't let meals become the battle ground, you'll make this worse. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't want pasta but you don't have to keep cooking alternatives. Let him choose and prepare his own food. He'll get through this.

Genuine food sensory problems can only be overcome with trust and kindness - not with sheer will and no flexibility.

I’d give him the porridge.

Is that because of an eating disorder or what?

YANBU. He could have added ketchup and eaten it with enjoyment, but he chose the Vbucks. That is not really a sensory issue.

I'd give him the porridge, and I'd ditch the silly games around food. Any child who has any kind of issue with food shouldn't be punished/rewarded for anything to do with eating habits. If you have a child with any kind of eating problems (I had one), the best thing by far is to keep eating/food as low key as possible. I never made separate food for said child as I thought that would just draw attention to the problem, but I always saw Weetabix or toast as acceptable and no-comment options (there was a period when this child would only eat Weetabix or toast). Porridge is better than either of these!

Say the parent (or not) of a child with no additional needs or sensory issues.

My son absolutely would stave himself if not accommodated to with food.

I have a DS with sensory issues and it is hard work finding things he will eat and making sure he's getting enough to eat. Yes it's a right pain when they won't eat something but he's explained why and while it might seem like a non issue, for him it has made it inedible.

If it gives you a bit of hope, my DS who is a few years older has started getting into the gym and fitness and nutrition and although his diet is extremely limited he is eating more and has had a growth spurt! Can't tell you how happy that makes me! Just to say things can get better!

I should be clear that ds is fussy but has plenty of food he will eat. He is not starving. He had a good breakfast, good lunch, hot snack at school……

He is fussy but not THAT restricted. And he certainly has no problem trying new puddings/sweets etc etc

It is dinners that he has most trouble with, he is a beige and chips (no veg if possible!) type. Will eat pasta but only pesto pasta or tuna pesto pasta! Enjoys a roast dinner. Not much else. I say sensory issues and they are there but relatively mild. Nothing in the league of arfid or the like, clearly.

Those who keep saying I’m trying to control him…. Well as a parent I do need to have some control over what he eats!! I won’t as he gets older and frankly, while porridge is obviously a good choice, if left to his own devices he’d make some appalling choices and fill himself up on crisps and chocolate.

Anyway, tonight I told him he could have porridge as long as he had some fruit first as he’s only had one piece today and no veg at all. He got in a strop about that too but has now gone downstairs to have fruit and then make himself some porridge.

a previous poster talked about the frustration of having made the effort and then having it rejected. AGAIN. I think this is very accurate. Believe it or not, mealtimes are not generally a battlefield, I can usually successfully accommodate what he wants in some way. But now and again it does get to you. My other ds wolfed down a leftover plate of the pesto pasta from tonight and declared it perfectly fine. There was only a tbsp of the bloody stuff on it and it was enough pasta for 3 people 🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

If porridge was always available as an option for him he would basically have porridge everyday unless it’s sausage and chips!

With an 11 year-old, my instinct would be to talk at a more neutral moment about nutrition, and about showing appreciation. Or talk again if you've brought it up before. What nutrients we need and why we need them. What's missing if he sticks with just beige foods every night. See if he can think more about balancing his own shortlist of foods, and taking more ownership over that balance. Part of taking ownership could include making his own simple alternative meal.

Food should be linked to as little emotion as possible. Such as reward, punishment etc. And especially dares competition. I would have quite happily starved as a kid. And would now as an adult. I don't have food I tolerate. I only have food I want and I eat. Food was for me in childhood a form of control. I am battling a long life eating disorder as well as genuine sensory issues with food. Also be careful with loot boxes v bucks in kids who are ND it can later lead to gambling and obsessive behaviour.

BTW, this same child is now 21 and eats anything and everything.

We have a difficult eater with referral to dietician. They absolutely advised not to just give in for their preferred food, it doesn’t matter that it’s porridge and not ice cream. They learn that if they refuse, they’ll get the food they want. They have been offered two choices, one we know they like. If they don’t want it, basically tough as advised by our dietician.

You're not BU, but I have the same issues with my daughter 14, and if she cant eat something else, she gets hangry then we all suffer! Sometimes it is just easier to let her have it.

@fyn interesting our gp(with advice from dietician) is give them whatever it is they will eat. Their words were "obviously dont give 10 Mars bars a day but within reason if all he wants is weetabix and toast give him weetabix and toast "
Still waiting on the actual dietician appointment

YABVVU, and I say this as the mum of an autistic son who has huge struggles with food. You've used his sensory issues as punishment against him for not eating something you feel acceptable. You're not him. My son will be perfectly happy eating something for months, then one day I'll make it, he won't eat it, and he'll never have it again.
You need to adapt your thinking, learn and give the boy some porridge.

I think there is a difference in a child being difficult, and having difficulties I think your child is the latter

I would have done porridge

You know your child. We don’t.

mine would refuse fruit unless it is the one fruit she likes that is incredibly difficult to source. She would rather go hungry.

she absolutely will refuse to eat if there is too much pesto. (What is it with extremely picky eaters liking pesto?). Or if there was a lump in the mashed potatoes. She just can’t make herself eat.

im just trying to keep her from developing a full blown eating disorder and ending up hospitalized so I never make food a battle. She can always choose something plain even if I made her something special that I know she normally eats.

I'd just let him have the ketchup for his food and still let him have whatever the bet was for tbh.

At 11 and with issues around food, I'd rather he just ate than play mind games with him.

Tonight I'd have given him porridge. It's healthy. He's not doing it to get chocolate and ice cream etc.

I do have to say, if my husband made a bet or challenge with our child involving food, we would be having words. There are plenty of things to set as goals for a child to work towards, but a good goal for a child with food aversions is bad parenting.

Good goal, not good goal

a simple edit button that lets you edit in the first few minutes even would solve so many of these flubs

I hate autocorrect some days

that Is the opposite of the general advice for restrictive eating.

@Smurf123 it has worked absolutely wonderfully, hard but stuck at it. She’s not the best eater but will try things, eats a much bigger variety and has gained weight - will still not contemplate any sort of potato in any form though annoyingly!

I additionally found the organisation Solid Starts very helpful, if you look at their Instagram ‘Our Story’ reel it explains about it. It’s run by some of the leading specialists in childhood eating and based on peer reviewed research.

My GP told me that, although he did say if the only thing she'll eat is chocolate then give her chocolate. It never got quite that bad but it got close. All grown up and eats most things now. He said he'd been through the same with his daughter and felt ashamed about the number of times he'd told parents not to give in when he had no idea how hard it is until he had to face it in his own home.