Not to let DS have a bowl of porridge?

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

DS11 is a fussy eater. He has some sensory issues that play into that, rather than it being purely annoying fussy if you know what I mean.

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things. BUT he usually has a lot of ketchup on his food (any food!) and currently he is not having ketchup at all - his choice as he has a bet with dh to go without for 40 days to get extra v-bucks for Fortnite. He is over half way with this and doing well. He has eaten pasta without ketchup in this time.

This evening he refused the pasta saying there was too much pesto. Then he asked for porridge instead which he is sometimes allowed if he has tried a new tea and doesn’t like it. I said no, because he has a perfectly edible acceptable tea in front of him. He is hungry and in a strop.

Aibu?

My adult son has ARFID.
It isn't uncommon with ND people.
The other three children ate what they were given, but not DS.
You sound like you think it's imaginary.

I completely agree. The level of ignorance in some posters, including the OP, is just awful.

Pesto is vile I don't blame him

@StalkedByASpider awful level of ignorance? Wow how rude.

I have stated that most of our mealtimes pass by uneventfully. We’re not sat arguing over porridge every evening.
Occasionally things go wrong. Occasionally my tolerance is lower than usual.
I don’t think it’s ignorant. I am well aware of his issues and do my best to accommodate. Sometimes it doesn’t go as planned. Congratulations on your perfect parenting.

HE LIKES PESTO

That was a reply to @Renlea

My son has asd as a result he has arfid. His sensory issues regarding food are very extreme and very real. If the foods my son considers safe are even slightly different in their dhade of colour he will not even consider touching it let alone eating it. Then it depends on is their enough salt, but not too much, are any foods touching, along with several other factors. Too much pesto is visual, its still a sensory issue. If he sees too much he knows he will taste too much. YABU.

BUT DOES HE LIKE A LOT OF IT?

The op had already made a normally acceptable alternative. It’s not controlling to want that eaten rather than porridge that he’ll want every time, if he knows he can get away with it.

@renlea, there was approx 1tbsp of pesto in 3 servings of pasta. That is not a lot of pesto. He obviously felt there was for whatever reason. But just for the record he shovels down neat pesto on dough balls so yes, he is quite happy to eat a lot of pesto.

Fair enough, you know him best. But if you were happy to let him have fruit I don't see why you couldn't let him have porridge. Personally I'd just pick my battles.

The bet was ds idea not dh’s.

He’s a child. Your DH should never have never on a bet with him about something that plays such a central part to his diet. It was asking for trouble really. The pesto pasta will smell, and taste, so different without it.

Of the two, the porridge is probably far better for him than the pesto. If you know he has difficulties or serious dislikes, why not make more of an effort to cook something you'll all like equally, rather than just what suits you to your tastes?

@yubgummy ignorance is bliss when you don't have to live with it, isn't it?!?
Educate yourself!

I wouldnt make this into a fight

Its porridge!
He has issues
You are being unreasonable

Your reasoning is hit and miss.
Don't send him to bed hungry.
Did you taste it to check pesto leval?

Since you say this rarely happens than you need to let it go.

Ooh you're ignorant! Lots of kids with Arfid die. Even more before it was a widely known diagnosis. Your older relatives force feeding them wouldn't have helped, they'd still have died whether or not a bunch of old people believe in science. *Not that OP's child has Arfid

I think you need to decide at his age, what is most important to you.

Either a) that he is fed and not hungry ( and behavioural issues that arise when they are hungry)
or b) that he is learning some sort of lesson from you

Given you know these are sensory issues and not being picky, I'd probably opt for a).

The b) option isn't clear. I don't understand what you are trying to teach him by no ketchup, fruit but not porridge.

Can you explain?

And have you started to involve him in cooking his own meals yet?

Abelist.

For me it would depend whether the aversion to pesto is to do with his sensory issues.

You've said he often wolfs it down on dough balls so it sounds like probably not.

So why do you think he refused to eat it?

I think answering this question is key, really. You need to understand. Can you ask him?

He's 11 so should be able to have some understanding / insight into how awkward this makes things for you. Have a conversation with him about it.

there was approx 1tbsp of pesto in 3 servings of pasta. That is not a lot of pesto. He obviously felt there was for whatever reason.

This is the issue here - 'for whatever reason' - what reason? You need to get to the bottom of why he behaved this way.

-Is it because it's different to the 'normal' pasta?
-Is it because he just fancied porridge instead?
-Was he in a bad mood for some completely different reason and this just threw him/ he overreacted a bit? What happened at school that day?

From your posts, it does not sound like your child has a severe sensory issue with pesto, so it seems like it's probably one of the above.

In which case, I'd try a mature conversation about the reason he refused to eat it, and then trying to encourage him to reflect on his behaviour and the impact that has on mealtimes and making everyone feel stressed.

You aren't perfect and you put a bit too much pesto on his pasta - if it's just this, he needs to understand that he can't expect perfection all of the time. Maybe he could put his own pesto on in future?

Obviously if there's a genuine sensory issue there then that's different, but it really sounds more like general pickiness from your posts, which I would want to address and get to the bottom of before it spirals.

Your house sounds exhausting, all these rules that change all the time. He is 11 can he be taught to make his own porridge?

I would usually do the 3 bite rule eg: they need to have 3 bites of whatever is on offer before they are given an alternative. But they are 18 and 16 now so generally will sort themselves out if not keen on what DH or I have cooked.

Why would DH agree to and in fact encourage (positive reinforcement with the bet) a tomato sauce competition with a child who has an issue with food?

This is BEYOND crazy

If I only cooked things we’d all enjoy equally we’d pretty much have beige and chips every night. Some nights we do have that, I don’t think it would be ideal for anyone to have that every night, do you?
I make many many meals with him in mind. Do you think the rest of us should never get a meal we want?