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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let DS have a bowl of porridge?

215 replies

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 24/01/2023 19:28

DS11 is a fussy eater. He has some sensory issues that play into that, rather than it being purely annoying fussy if you know what I mean.

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things. BUT he usually has a lot of ketchup on his food (any food!) and currently he is not having ketchup at all - his choice as he has a bet with dh to go without for 40 days to get extra v-bucks for Fortnite. He is over half way with this and doing well. He has eaten pasta without ketchup in this time.

This evening he refused the pasta saying there was too much pesto. Then he asked for porridge instead which he is sometimes allowed if he has tried a new tea and doesn’t like it. I said no, because he has a perfectly edible acceptable tea in front of him. He is hungry and in a strop.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/01/2023 08:06

Do you involve him in the meal planning?

i would say to him “we are having x tonight do you want that with us? Or I can do you y or you can sort something for yourself”

gives him some control back over the food rather than it becoming a battle.

Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 08:06

babyyodaxmas · 25/01/2023 06:01

Your house sounds exhausting, all these rules that change all the time. He is 11 can he be taught to make his own porridge?

I would usually do the 3 bite rule eg: they need to have 3 bites of whatever is on offer before they are given an alternative. But they are 18 and 16 now so generally will sort themselves out if not keen on what DH or I have cooked.

He can make his own porridge and indeed did so last night.

He will not have 3 bites of something he doesn’t want to eat.

we don’t have lots of rules that change all the time, not sure where you got that from.
Porridge is usually available as an alternative but in this instance I felt frustrated because I had made an alternative tea for him that he still refused to eat. Afterwards we spoke about it and I explained how I felt, and said sometimes adults get frustrated and don’t always give the right response. He went and got himself fruit and porridge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 08:28

Sirzy · 25/01/2023 08:06

Do you involve him in the meal planning?

i would say to him “we are having x tonight do you want that with us? Or I can do you y or you can sort something for yourself”

gives him some control back over the food rather than it becoming a battle.

I have tried to involve him before but again he will really only pick things and chips. He always picks our tea on a Thursday and Friday.

Honestly, what you describe is mostly what happens. If I know he won’t like the tea he either gets a version of it or an alternative, or has porridge. This is the first time in a while things have gone awry, I just wasn’t expecting him not to eat it at all and got cross because sometimes it just gets too much.

OP posts:
medianewbie · 25/01/2023 15:46

Cook 'normal for you' family meals.
If he doesn't like that meal that evening he can make himself porridge & fruit or cheese/crackers & fruit. That way he is consuming something nutritious, you are only cooking once, you have control, he has some control (whether it's 'just picky' or genuinely sensory on his part). All kids have relatively little control growing up & some choose to assert that via food (consciously or not). Low key consistency is the answer. Maybe let him choose menu once a week too? (Disclaimer - I have 2 kids with Autism. 1 has problems with food, 1 doesn't but both are also teenagers - so its not a battle I engage in for all our sakes - It's just food!)

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/01/2023 16:05

Kanaloa · 24/01/2023 22:39

Do you really think like this? When you shop for food do you buy things you dislike and force yourself to eat them? Or is it just kids who need to ‘do what they’re told’ or go hungry?

Show quote history

THIS ⬆

How many adults CHOOSE to eat food they don't enjoy in their own home? (As opposed to eating something as a guest so that you don't seem rude/ hurt someone's feelings)

We don't - simple as that.

While I used to encourage my kids to try a small forkful of everything on their plate, I never forced them to finish food that was distasteful to them. I would try the disliked food again a couple of months later because tastes do mature and change.

I tried to make sure that there was always something on the plate that they could enjoy, but if they didn't want the green beans that are dad's favourite vegetable, then they needn't eat them.

Very occasionally I would make a meal that one of them couldn't eat (usually something like pasta which was covered with a sauce they found distasteful) - in that case they could make themselves a sandwich (or porridge, if they genuinely couldn't manage an entire meal. No sweet stuff or crisps though - it had to be "food". The only time I would fanny on making two meals was with curry, as most of us love it but DD can't stomach spicy food - in instances like this I'd do her beans on toast or something similar, or if DD was on one of her "only eating eggs phases". (DD is also autistic and would have phases where for (say) a month she would only eat scrambled eggs, or only eat tomato soup - whatever. I just gave it to her and she hasn't had rickets yet)

My kids are adult now and will now try anything once (though DD still doesn't like spices) and are happy to eat most things. Making food into a battleground never works. DD still only eats one thing for breakfast every day, but she prepares it herself - she eats the family meal in the evening though sometimes will say - "I'm not keen on that". Never leaves it, though.

MistyRock · 25/01/2023 16:13

My son has autism, he is reasonably fussy. I would never bribe him into not having his favourite foods, what the is the point? I Do not understand your thinking in regards to the ketchup. What point are you trying to make? So you've all but banned the ketchup and now you're surprised that he won't eat his dinner. He's asked for porridge instead which is a perfectly healthy meal replacement and you have said no but he can have fruit! Fucking bizarre and cruel in my opinion.

Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 16:41

Have you actually read any of my other posts @MissMaple82
ketchup is NOT banned. He’s free to change his mind at any time and he knows that. It was HIS idea. We have never tried to stop him having ketchup. I know that’s the best way to get him to eat more things. We’re not trying to make any point at all.

Plus really the situation has moved on somewhat seeing as it was last night and he had porridge and fruit in the end, along with a conciliatory conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 16:42

So sorry, that last message was in reply to @MistyRock not @MissMaple82

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 16:43

RudolphTheGreat · 24/01/2023 19:41

Yes you are. He has genuine difficulties with food that he can't help and you're punishing him for it.

Agree with this and think put the pasta in the fridge for another day and give him the porridge.

SuffolkUnicorn · 25/01/2023 16:51

Why are you telling him to stop eating ketchup? It’s obviously a safe food

Benjispruce4 · 25/01/2023 17:18

I think OP said he was pouring a lot of ketchup on any food. It’s full of sugar and salt and not supposed to eat more than a teaspoon or so.

Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 17:19

SuffolkUnicorn · 25/01/2023 16:51

Why are you telling him to stop eating ketchup? It’s obviously a safe food

If you could actually read my posts that would be amazing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 25/01/2023 17:20

Benjispruce4 · 25/01/2023 17:18

I think OP said he was pouring a lot of ketchup on any food. It’s full of sugar and salt and not supposed to eat more than a teaspoon or so.

That’s correct, and we have never tried to stop him having ketchup, but have encouraged him to have a little less!

OP posts:
Motelschmotel · 25/01/2023 17:33

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe on MN.

The OP cooked dinner for her family.

She knew one of her DC wouldn't like it.

So she cooked an alternative for him, something he likes.

He put it up to his lips, then rejected it and asked for something else and got irritated/upset/annoyed whatever when told he couldn't have that third option.

And the OP is deemed to be controlling him?

Surely the DC is controlling?

Of course we should all have control over what we eat. But only to a certain extent - within the bounds of healthiness, nutrition, budget, time, restrictions, effort etc. But how on earth is this pickiness about the OP controlling her son??

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 25/01/2023 18:28

@Motelschmotel

Because the OP has said he has issues (So she needs to be more understanding)

Sunriseinwonderland · 25/01/2023 18:35

I'm far too busy to make 100 different meals for everyone. They can like it or lump it. I'm sure nobody in the household is in the slightest bit interested in helping you meal plan they just expect you to run around making 3 different meals. And the ketchup would go too. That stuff rots the teeth right out of your head.

Motelschmotel · 25/01/2023 20:10

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 25/01/2023 18:28

@Motelschmotel

Because the OP has said he has issues (So she needs to be more understanding)

Right. He has issues, so she made an alternative that he likes. Quote from the OP:

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things.

Key points:

  • I knew that he would not eat what we were having
  • so I made him an alternative
  • which I often do
  • he likes all these things

How on earth is that not being understanding?

Does "understanding" mean given him whatever he wants, when he demands it, as though his mother is a short-order cook?

TheShellBeach · 26/01/2023 09:45

Sunriseinwonderland · 25/01/2023 18:35

I'm far too busy to make 100 different meals for everyone. They can like it or lump it. I'm sure nobody in the household is in the slightest bit interested in helping you meal plan they just expect you to run around making 3 different meals. And the ketchup would go too. That stuff rots the teeth right out of your head.

Ah.
Another one who doesn't understand ARFID.

Myhydrangeachangedcolour · 26/01/2023 10:19

I don’t understand why the fuck people are so weird and controlling about food… like it has some sort of massive significance instead of just being fuel for your body.

In this house every person has a different dinner pretty much every night. We each eat things we enjoy- it’s no bother to make beans on toast for one person, salad for another and to warm up soup for a third etc. You can do it all at the same time so you aren’t in the kitchen longer. There are 5 of us and whoever is cooking just does it/people make their own stuff.

As long as a generally healthy diet is eaten most of the time it really really doesn’t matter.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 26/01/2023 10:23

In that situation I'd have rinsed the pesto off with boiling water and put it back in front of him. Maybe with a spoonful of mayo to make it 'wetter' or stir in a spoon of cream cheese.

Original poster
Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 26/01/2023 10:38

TheShellBeach · 26/01/2023 09:45

Ah.
Another one who doesn't understand ARFID.

Show quote history

That’s not relevant though is it. Seeing as that’s a response to me about MY son who definitely does not have ARFID or anything even approaching that.

OP posts:
pastabakes · 26/01/2023 10:41

If he has genuine sensory issues then yes, YABU.

54isanopendoor · 26/01/2023 13:48

Don't make food into a battle.
Life is too short.

MarmaladeCrumpets · 26/01/2023 13:51

Let him have the porridge but in future get him to add the pesto to the pasta. Helps him start to learn to cook and means he can control how much goes on win win.

danni0509 · 26/01/2023 13:56

If he has genuine food issues which it sounds like he does, and he’s eating foods with tomato sauce, then your dh should not be betting him to not eat it for 40 days.