Not to let DS have a bowl of porridge?

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

DS11 is a fussy eater. He has some sensory issues that play into that, rather than it being purely annoying fussy if you know what I mean.

Today I knew that he would not eat what we were having for tea so I made him an alternative which I often do if I know he genuinely will not be able to eat it. I made him pesto spaghetti with some turkey in it. He likes all these things. BUT he usually has a lot of ketchup on his food (any food!) and currently he is not having ketchup at all - his choice as he has a bet with dh to go without for 40 days to get extra v-bucks for Fortnite. He is over half way with this and doing well. He has eaten pasta without ketchup in this time.

This evening he refused the pasta saying there was too much pesto. Then he asked for porridge instead which he is sometimes allowed if he has tried a new tea and doesn’t like it. I said no, because he has a perfectly edible acceptable tea in front of him. He is hungry and in a strop.

Aibu?

I think it 100% makes a difference if its proper sensory issues or just fussiness! My one dd has asd, non verbal and significant learning disability and she has about 10 foods she will eat and would not eat if u don't give her them so she will have variety of them for dinner. If I put other things on plate she won't eat rest of plate and rather not eat. Or have meltdown. Sometimes I can offer her something new but she has to be in right mood. And most of time will eat different to rest of family. My other dd seems to be more fussiness and tell me she just wants chocolate for dinner , and I expect a little more from her and she will have what me and husband has but if doesn't like she can have what her sister is having. Some children will starve if they have issues and not just fussiness.
If ur child has genuine food sensory issues then I don't think it's fair for u to expect him to just eat what u decide. And ignore the issues So some leniency is required but u obviously know ur child better than any of us on here.

I've voted YABU.

Yes, you made him an alternative, but then when he didn't want to eat it, you also said it was okay to have fruit - so why is fruit okay as a second alternative, but porridge isn't?

Porridge is much more filling and more suitable as a "meal replacement" than a piece of fruit.

Your DH is also hugely unreasonable for taking a "safe" food away from a child with sensory issues just so he can win money for a video game.

So much negotiation. I can hear the frustration in your words. I have a fussy preschooler, I can imagine by 11 your patience is wearing thin with it. He is however old enough to be part of the solution. Why don't you sit down together tomorrow and come up with a plan that is acceptable to both of you? Maybe he gets 3 get out of dinner cards a week, so he can have porridge those nights. Or something like that. Something predecided so this battle of wills isn't necessary.

I can easily imagine pasta with too much pesto in it that I wouldnt be able to eat.

i have children with sensory issues you're being totally unreasonable imo. Children with sensory issues around food will starve rather than eat what they can't handle and that will vary from day to day as sensory issues are not static and are affected by tiredness, stress, stimulation etc etc

My other ds wolfed down a leftover plate of the pesto pasta from tonight and declared it perfectly fine.

You’re still missing the point spectacularly. You have a child with sensory difficulties/issues with eating. It doesn’t matter what your other child thinks - it’s completely irrelevant.

The ketchup bet us a terrible, terrible idea. When you have a child with known food issues, the idea is to make meal times low key and not to create additional fuss around food. Rewarding him for going without something he likes sends a terrible message. If he’s willing to eat a wider range of food with the ketchup it really would have better not to have made a thing about it.

And to echo PP, yes, children with sensory issues do starve themselves and some end up in hospital. You need to stop the power games if you want to prevent his issues around food escalating. It’s hardly as if he was refusing pasta because he wanted to eat a load of sweets! Porridge is a reasonable substitute and cheap.

I have two autistic DC, one with particularly high needs. I understand how frustrating it can be at times. But just because you think the pesto was fine doesn’t mean he shares your opinion. You’re not automatically right and him wrong. Kids don’t starve themselves for a laugh.

I’m glad you’ve given him the porridge now but what a huge battle you’ve turned this into unnecessarily. YABVVU.

I’d let him have the porridge, you say he makes poor choices but in the big scheme of things porridge is a reasonable choice when he’s 11 and hungry .

But… it is very much appropriate to refuse food when you’re eating out in a restaurant or similar. When you go to a restaurant you are given a big card with lots of options on it - you choose the meal you like the best. If you don’t like it you do not have to eat it.

Food is not the place to start a battle. Manipulating your child (who has food issues) by trying to make them give up ketchup/only allowing a snack like fruit rather than a meal such as porridge etc now just going to exacerbate their issues. I never understand this attitude of ‘the child needs to learn to eat things they don’t want.’ Why do they have to learn that? I don’t do that. No adult I knows goes round the Aldi thinking ‘I hate Kiev so I’ll get two of those and just force myself to eat them since it’s the proper thing to do.’ In real life you buy things you enjoy and eat them.

Children with AFRID often only eat one meal - they're not "getting away" with anything. Honestly so much misunderstanding here!

I have food issues as an adult but I never did as a child.
I have severe PTSD and from that trigger point I have never been able to eat the same way. Porridge is one of my comfort foods and one of the only things I can eat when I’m very anxious. Good days I can eat normal food but sometimes I only eat porridge for days.

I don’t think it’s as simple as it often seems. If he wants porridge give him porridge, being hungry is only going to make him feel worse. It’s impossible to know how he feels inside and why he wants porridge but there are worse things he could want. Food issues are often tied up
with anxiety.

But that’s not actually the key if a lot of the problem stems from not being a fussy eater but also having sensory difficulties, such as the OP details.
Doesn’t mean you allow every meal to end with porridge. There has to be some balance to that when you know your own child will just stick to the one option if they know that is available at every meal.
My child ate everything offered to him and with great enjoyment until he hit 18 months. Then bam, would only eat one thing. And one thing only. Sausages. Not even something he had had a lot of previously.
We tried every technique and failed over a 2 and a half year period. We managed to add 2 other food items by the time he was four with the help of professionals.
some days he was allowed the sausages, other days he had to have something else from something he liked, trying to prevent the “I’m only eating sausages”.
They are a teenager now and have slowly over the years added to the list of foods eaten but again, still only certain foods but I still continue to try, as any parent would.

Yes I know I used to say try the food and if you don't like it you can have toast it got to the point where he was just eating toast nothing else would do none of his favourite meals would do JUST TOAST everything else was rejected I "ran out" of bread so toast wasn't longer an option I get he is borderline being classed as arfrid but I cannot have him living on toast he now has a fairly limited diet and currently "hates" toast it was a gamble and yes I would have backed down but it was fairly simple in the end "oh no we have no bread do you want nuggets?" "OK?" Took him over an hour to eat them but the next night he was more agreeable to one of his safe foods

Must be something about sausages my daughter who has ASD, non verbal and significant learning disability mainly eats sausages potato and plain pasta, at her special school she has sausages and plain pasta every lunchtime

I'm not sure if you are BU or not about the porridge, but I just wanted to say I feel your pain!!!

I have a fairly fussy eater (probable sensory issues) and I try not to make food a battle - but sometimes I just get frustrated, especially if I have gone to the effort of making something separately just for them and then get told "don't like it".

We are only human OP!!

Thanks @DisappearingGirl . Some posters on here seem to have extrapolated from my post about 1 evening that our home is a nightmare and my ds is skin and bone because I won’t feed him, when of course the reality is that ds is well fed, I do my best to keep him happy and also get a decent variety of food in to him and then there is just the odd occasion when it all gets a bit too much.

Just make the poor kid a bowl of porridge! All the judgement can wait for tomorrow. It's cold and he's hungry.

He has a disability, yu are being completely unreasonable! I don't like pestoeither, it's an acquired taste fgs.

That is dangerously untrue. Children, especially those with sensory issues, can and will starve themselves. Making food into a battleground massively increases the risk of developing an eating disorder. I've seen it happen with a child I wasn't in a position to help and it is one of the most upsetting things I have ever had to deal with.

He likes pesto. I didn’t just randomly decide to give it to him.

The betting for V Bucks thing is unreasonable and confusing - not addressing the actual issue and using bargaining/gambling whatever. Then you have inconsistent rules - sometimes porridge but not today. YABU

Hmm, is the porridge sugary? Because ketchup is mostly sugar, so maybe he just wants sugar, and there isnt enough in his pasta without the ketchup

If the porridge doesn't have and sugar or sweetners in it, then I cant see the harm

There's some massive projecting going on on this thread!

He's 11, not a baby. Let him make porridge himself in the microwave.

YANBU to refuse to cook him something different, but YABU not to let him get himself something.

He got offered an alternative that he reports to like. But then declined it? My question would how long would this go on for and why didn’t he say if he didn’t want the pasta, pesto and turkey? As you said we all sometimes eat food we don’t “love”. I have some sensory issues with food but eat stir fry at times -l think it’s ok but my husband is super keen on it. So we have it a few times a month

Whoever said he has a disability, sounds like they’re getting carried away