Ok for teacher to call child bossy

[Whawhawha]

So for context- my DD is 4 years old and has just started Reception. Her class teacher told me (during my first meeting with her) that she thought my child was bossy and couldn’t do x y and z. Nothing positive. 😪

aibu?

yanbu - teachers shouldn’t call children bossy

yabu - you’re being over sensitive- it’s fine.

Totally this. Bossy is a negative connotation, I would say this is why this word was used.
What are people saying she's assertive or showing leadership. She's been called our for being bossy for a reason!!

Presumably she's not saying it to the child and just to you, which although not nice to hear is a bit better I suppose. It is strange that there were no positives, and to be honest bossy alone doesn't really give much of an indication of what she's doing. I expect the reality is the teacher has 30 odd parents to talk to about their children and prepping on top of the rest of their work is challenging, I can see why you're a bit upset by it though. Maybe ask if there's anything you can do to support positive behaviour at home or something?

It says the same thing but it won't result in the same outcome. Your description sounds like a positive and like.something that should.be encouraged and supported whereas I assume bossy usually means not being able to.compromise or rubbing roughshod over the other children irrespective of whether it's a boy or girl. I know a mum who said because her daughter is so bossy nobody at school wants to.play with her. Shouldn't that child be helped to learn better social skills rather than sugar coating what she does to save the parents' feelings?

I don't like the term bossy either but it can be described with less loaded or less sexist words. I do think though that it should be pointed out to the parents.

If my child was struggling with something I wouldn't want the teacher to sugar coat it as something positive. What is the point of that? If you want to stress positives then by all means look for real positives but be honest about the things they are struggling with.

I guess the concern is that it is often used in a sexist manner and that girls are described as bossy whereas boys as assertive

What really is the difference?

You can teach a child not to overdo it without calling it bossy

"Wouldn't it be nice if you let someone else chose "

yanbu
and I would be good money that there's an element of sexism there - would the same behaviour from a boy be praised as "excellent leadership skills"?

Assertive no I'd rather play x game/ next time can we play my game?
Bossy We're playing my game now. X isn't doing his work, X you should be doing your work.

The latter examples are not bossy they are nosy

And the former examples - a boy will be called assertive and showing leadership

Just how it goes

Google it - there are plenty of studies
Happens at work too

It's not sexist.

How do you make negative behaviour sound positive without lying?

Bossy is sugar coating it. An honest conversation would be 'she dominates the other children, sulks if they don't do what she wants and makes them miserable. They don't like playing with her.'

Bossy is polite shorthand.

No. Kids with excellent leadership skills are popular and likeable. They come up with good games and sort disputes. Bossy kids make other children sad because they dominate them.

The teacher didn't say it to the child. They were describing the behaviour to op.

"Calling out" other kids in school won't do her any favours as she gets older. My friends kid is like this and now they're in year 3 she has very few friends. The other children got sick of it.

They called the child bossy
Twice as many girls are likely to be labelled bossy as boys
It's unacceptable
It's a judgement
Far better to report the actual behaviour and talk about its impact than apply a judgemental label

@ElspethTascioni the point is that bossy does not indicate leadership. Never has done, never will do. And this applies to males and females. No misogyny or sexism. Just facts

Bossy doesn't indicate leadership but time and again it's shown that a behaviour labelled as bossy from a female lauded as leadership in a male

The point is @Waitymatey is that girls get called bossy when they’re not, whenever they show leadership-type qualities. Boys and girls are not treated in equal measure in relation to this (or indeed anything)

This reminds me when I was helping out in DD's class, I said something like "Don't be silly." Sure enough ,DD marched up to teacher complaining, "Miss Smith, my mum just called me silly!" Teacher told DD to ignore it. <sigh>

That's how I feel about "bossy." It only has the power you give it.
Am most astonished at those of you that never met bossy small males.

A 4 year old boy displaying dominance over his 4 year old class mates wouldn't be lauded for it either.

Bossiness is not the same as showing leadership. Bossiness is being domineering, overbearing and unpleasant, stomping all over the rights and opinions of others . Would you rather your daughter's teacher teacher had phrased it like that?

It is, but I still say peolem see "bossiness" in girls where they'd see something else in the same behaviours from boys

I'm a primary school teacher and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Firstly t,he teacher should be giving positives, as well as areas she may need to work on. Part of a teacher's role is to foster good home-school relationships. A few positives show the teacher is interested in the child and in making a good relationship with you. You are then more likely to support the teacher / school for the benefit of your child.

"Bossy" is not professional language. If it is an issue for some reason then it can be described in unemotional terms - e.g. she tends to tell the other children what to do. Followed by explaining how they are helping her overcome this.

I'd be highly unimpressed by this teacher.

I've heard bossy referred to both boys and girls.
To those who seem to be hung up on the word 'bossy', would you want your DC to play with another bossy child, would you yourself like being in a team with a bossy person? I doubt it.
Bossy isn't leadership at all. In fact it's the opposite of leadership.

@Upsidedownagain thank you. You’ve summarised my thoughts completely. And just to reiterate to other posters, she does not dominate others, she doesn’t sulk when other children won’t play her game etc. she might be a bit outspoken and isn’t ‘shy’ but she doesn’t do the things that have been described above. And there were definitely no positives. At all.

Not sure why you asked in the first place. Most have said you are unreasonable, so there you go.

I think it's very sad that nothing positive at all was said however I know with my son he is extremely different at school than at home.

At home he is the most confident child, ridiculously chatty to everyone, kids and adults. Keeps his big brother in check. At school he is quite shy, hangs back, needs a lot of encouragement. I'm still not convinced they are talking about the same kid!!

Have another chat with the teacher, hopefully she can put your mind at rest.