Ok for teacher to call child bossy

[Whawhawha]

So for context- my DD is 4 years old and has just started Reception. Her class teacher told me (during my first meeting with her) that she thought my child was bossy and couldn’t do x y and z. Nothing positive. 😪

aibu?

yanbu - teachers shouldn’t call children bossy

yabu - you’re being over sensitive- it’s fine.

For those posters claiming "bossy" isn't very much a gendered term here's some hard stats, in this case relating to workplace behaviour - no doubt similar can be found specifically relating to children. This particular study shows women getting called bossy at roughly twice the rate of men. Simultaneously (surprise, surprise!) actually bossy behavioural patterns were more frequently found among male, rather than female colleagues.

www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/bossy-whats-gender-got-to-do-with-it/

Heaven forbid a little girl might not be "nice".
Yes that's exactly what I said 🙄🙄😂

It depends what is meant by bossy. Takes control? Gets things done? Provides leadership? Holds strong opinions or beliefs

Well as we don't know if the teacher was meaning any of those things, which they could have quite easily said had they meant them, I took it on the description given by the OP as bossy.

Why is that bad ?
Are you asking me why the descriptors you made up are bad or are you asking me why being bossy is bad?

What was the meeting for?

I would very rarely use the word bossy and would use an alternative that meant a similar thing eg knows her own mind, is very forward etc.

I would very rarely use the word bossy and would use an alternative that meant a similar thing eg knows her own mind, is very forward etc

But they don't mean bossy.
A child can know their own mind and not be bossy with it.
A child can be forward and not be bossy.

Depends what the meeting was for. Parents evening, there should definitely positives, called in because your child is being bossy and the teacher would like you to work on it, no positives necessarily required.

@donttellmehesalive what is baffling? I don’t think it’s that unusual to find being told negative things about your child is upsetting:

This must be at a state school. The single sex preps around us wouldn't ever refer to a girl as bossy. They educate them to be outspoken, confident leaders. But not the state school, nope, there girls will be indoctrinated about tall poppy syndrome and made to feel like something is wrong with their personality if they aren't docile little buttercups when they're 4.

Why could this teacher not phrase it more professionally? 'Next step is for your dd to learn total turns and to practice compromising which games are being played.' No need for name calling. The teacher is evidently not very eloquent or aware of contemporary pedagogies regarding kids in that age group if she uses such a negative term for a reception child. In most countries kids at 5 are still at nursery or preschool, because they are not deemed mature enough for formal education.

But that's some teachers for you, they boss the classroom full of tiny children but haven't actually developed courteous and professional ways of giving feedback to adults. In many cases they are the bossy boot.

Although I agree that the teacher sounds very negative I don't think they should ignore the downsides of being bossy. Yes it shows potential of being a leader and it's great she is confident and assertive, but telling others what to do too much and drawing attention to your peers breaking the rules doesn't go down well. If adults around her guide her to ways to interact better with others while still encouraging her strength of character, that's how she will do best.

Some 4 & 5 year olds can be inclined to order their classmates around. That is bossy behaviour and I assume what OPs dd is doing
Assertiveness and confidence are two very different traits.

So what egs did the teacher give?

I'm afraid being bossy, whether a boy or girl is a trait that will make her very unpopular, with both adults and other children. My DD12 has a 'friend' who has always been like this and unfortunately it has carried on and she's not a well liked girl.

But if her being "strong willed and a natural leader" translates as trying to bend other children to her will and have her own way all the time, then it's not as positive an attribute as your terms suggest.
It is bossiness, and shouldn't be encouraged. I don't know why you've included "intelligent" in your list, btw?

It depends what is meant by bossy. Takes control? Gets things done? Provides leadership? Holds strong opinions or beliefs

That's not bossy. Bossy has an unpleasant tinge. I don't know why mn is incapable of discussing this. There is a huge difference between being a leader, assertive, versus bossy.

@StickyCat that's not about state vs private, it's single sex vs mixed. I teach in a single sex state school. Mixed schools are better for boys and worse for girls.

OP, I would raise the issue with the teacher, including the sexism of bossy and how concerning you found the negative only feedback.

She's 4, they spend most of their time in a reception playing 😂
There's no call for her to provide leadership or control to other 4 year olds. Or to "get things done", necessarily.

There is indeed. Usually that one is a man/boy and a woman/girl exhibiting exactly the same beviours is bossy.

No parent wants to go to parents evening and be told only negative things. Totally unprofessional by teacher.

@Bigweekend
No. My comment has nothing to do with sex. Boys can be bossy and unpleasant too.

There is a big difference between bossy children and those who exhibit true leadership qualities. Bossy children tend to demand others do as they wish, they are not able to discuss rules. They get cross when others don't play the game their way. They always insist they arethe lead player. They " tell" when others refuse to do as they say. They announce that xxx is not being kind because another child won't do their bidding. Eventually others stop wanting to play with them and they become isolated and unhappy.
Thats why teachers mention it. There are bossy boys and girls. The word applies to both.

Leadership skills should be encouraged yes but I have yet to meet a good leader who is domineering or controlling. Being a confident assertive child is great but when others are being negatively affected the term bossy is more likely to be used.

I think there's 2 issues.

1 being she didn't find anything positive to say. My first parents evening was like that and it devastated me. My ds is autistic and her focus was on all the skills he didn't have - because of this.

2 being that she called her bossy. IMO that is T a terrible thing as it's a good word to describe some children and helpful for you to know that you need to support her to over some this.

What I'd do is email.

Dear HT,

Thank you for parents eve where you said my DD is bossy and cannot do x, y and z.

Can I ask how she's being supported in school with this so I can do the same at home and support you and her.

Also I noted you had no positives to say. I appreciate time is short but it would reassuring to hear the hood qualities you are seeing in her too.

Many thanks

Xxxx

You're coming off very braggy and as if you think your child could do no wrong. If you're like this in person then I imagine the teacher probably didn't want the main take away from the meeting to be positive if they believe change needs to occur. If only negative feedback is provided then it means the parent pays more attention rather than grasping at anything positive.

But sure OP, I'm sure she's just incredibly jealous and bitter about how talented and smart your DD is...

Yes, this is exactly what I was trying to say!

I have put three through primary school.

The teacher wouldn't have said this if she respected you OP, she would have used a different way to express the same thing, but more constructive. She doesn't like your dd and she doesn't like you, she judges you both. What's the school like in general?

We do a lot of work to help a bossy child . Modeling how to play . Most schools do. You should ask the teacher how she is going to help her