Ok for teacher to call child bossy

[Whawhawha]

So for context- my DD is 4 years old and has just started Reception. Her class teacher told me (during my first meeting with her) that she thought my child was bossy and couldn’t do x y and z. Nothing positive. 😪

aibu?

yanbu - teachers shouldn’t call children bossy

yabu - you’re being over sensitive- it’s fine.

Yeah, except when actually she's not playing nicely with others and no one wants to be her friend.
I also would not like a bossy boy, I would see that as someone who is close to a bully.

This 💯
And then we wonder why our kids are all anxious and have issues later on in life, when we insist they can do no wrong.

This thread is ridiculous.

So many kids are bossy when they start school to year 3 or 4. Most of them learn social skills gradually over this period of time. The timid ones learn to be more assertive and the dominant ones learn self control. We were at a naice leafy school and all those bossy boot issues have more or less resolved in the girls. The boys sadly as rowdy and entitled as they were years ago. OP's dc is in reception and the teacher has crap communication skills.

Agreed

DD was bossy at that age. She wanted to make all the rules of the games at playtime, dictate what everyone played and how. She wanted to answer all the questions in class, be the one picked by the teacher to sharpen the pencils, take the register to the office etc etc. She was bossy - and sometimes (understandably), other kids got fed up and didn’t want to play with her. I remember a discussion with her fabulous teacher explaining all this and I agreed that whilst it was great that she was a confident child, she really needed to learn some social niceties, let others speak, take turns with leading games, doing ‘jobs’ etc.

At 11, she’s still confident, has good self esteem and wants to get involved with everything, but she’s learnt it’s not ‘all about her’. She listens to others and understands people like her much more if she’s not quite so domineering. I don’t ever want her to lose her assertiveness and to be able to speak up for herself, but it’s been a valuable lesson for her to learn to just tone it down a bit. I’m very grateful to her teachers who were so open and helped to develop her natural personality.

She's not bossy, she's got leadership potential!

A teacher is rude and unpleasant for telling a parent their child can be bossy with their friends?

And this is why so many teachers sugar coat feedback to the point of being useless. Some parents simply cannot bear to hear a negative, however mild, however well-intentioned, about their child. So no chance of working together to correct the unwanted behaviour, and bigger problems down the line.

Not in primary school it isn't. Bossy means taking control of games, telling other children what to do and say, telling other children who they are allowed to play with, getting upset if children aren't doing what they want them to do, upsetting other children with blunt words, telling the teacher that other children are being unkind/unfair/mean because they won't do what they're told.

The assertive children with leadership qualities are usually quite popular. Bossy children are not, boys or girls.

HNRTFT….so what is the point of parent evening if teacher cannot be honest ?

Then you are going to have a very long and stressful 14 years ahead of you. As hard as it may seem. Your child is not as wonderful, funny, smart or as kind and thoughtful as you think they are. If you only ever want positive feedback then pull them out of school and educate at home. Alternatively take the feedback on board and start helping your child learn to navigate social situations.

With school I listen first, take it all on board and process it

I don't have to agree with every tiny thing, but there is usually a point to what is being said, my child also needs to understand one teacher has to handle x amount of kids

What may be acceptable at home may not work in a group setting so you don't need to be walked all over to realise you may need to tailor behaviour to suit different situations

Does not have to be clean right vs wrong line

Agree. I'd rather find out early so I can correct it if needed.

Teacher I worked with sugar coated everything, wouldn’t tell the parents if their child had bitten someone hurt someone never sent them home etc as per the behaviour policy - parents thought their kids were great.
12 months later the new year teacher was more honest and the parents had a real shock!

What do you want? Got back to the teacher and ask if there’s anything positive you can take away and if there’s anything she suggests you do to help your child.

In my experience if the teacher has said your dd is bossy that’s code for she is dominating the other kids and is being a bit unpleasant. Not bullying as such but not great. I’d talk to DD about being kind and not pushing the others kids around. Its not a trait I like to see in young children - boy or girl.

I’d find it hard to hear too but if there really were very little positives then I would also say your teacher isn’t overly fond of your child - the reason being dd attitude towards her peers I’d imagine.

You have no idea how she is at school because you are not there.
parents are often blind to their children’s less pleasant characteristics.
in our reception class there are some bossy girls and bossy boys- the girls tend to be verbally ahead of the boys at this age so it is ‘easier’ for them to dominate others with language.

How do your know? Have you sat in her classes for long periods of time? It’s normal for children to behave differently at home than at school.

From this thread it seems that you have an inability to listen effectively unless it’s what you want to hear. Based on that, I believe it’s highly likely the teacher did make positive comments but you failed to hear them as you were annoyed about the term bossy being used.

Why can't the teacher describe the child's behaviour without using sexist negative language? That does not mean sugar coating it means giving honest and feedback that the parents and their child can hopefully act on. In any professional work environment you will be expected to speak politely and give professional and constructive feedback to others. Why should teachers give inarticulate and rude feedback, it doesn't set a great example?

There are lots of words you can use instead of bossy-likes to be in charge, leader, organises others etc. Is it the because she used the word bossy or because she is bossy?

But if it's not a positive behaviour, it's not really about being a leader or organiser. It's about learning to take turns, understanding that everyone wants to have a chance or a go and to fit in, we sometimes have to go with the flow, no need to sugar coat and no need to be reductive.

Bossy isn’t actually rude though.

It may actually be a way of sugar coating really quite problematic behaviour. She’s bossy with her peers may be a nicer way of putting she’s overbearing, dictatorial and controlling with the other children. Which some children are. Not just girls.

That kind of behaviour is not good regardless of the child’s sex.

I do think that this kind of dictatorial and controlling behaviour can persist in some girls far longer than it should because sometimes the adults around them insist of framing it as confidence and assertiveness.

I know a 9 year old girl who is surrounded by adults who insist it’s wonderful that she’s so confident and assertive. But she is not. She orders her peers and siblings around constantly. She directs everything and then sulks if anyone deviates from what she wants. She tries to get the other children into trouble if they don’t do what she wants. She tells the other children that they just aren’t as good as she is or refuses to let them try things. Even with adults, she’s domineering and controlling. It’s not adorable confidence when a child is instructing you and lecturing you about your shortcomings; it’s horrible behaviour.

Her mother, I think, is very similar (and her father too in some ways - quieter ways, but he’s arrogant and hypercritical). Her mother struggled at secondary school and had no friends at all - I’d imagine because, actually, the other kids decided that they similar weren’t willing to be ‘bossed around’ by her any longer. She has never learned to be assertive. She’s either in control, manipulating things to get her own way or she’s outright aggressive.

Yes, boys and men can demonstrate similar or worse behaviours. And no one should be sugar coating that either. ‘He’s a bit boisterous’ as a euphemism for ‘he’s aggressive with the other children’ is particularly insidious. And parents are equally (possibly more) likely to run with that euphemism and not address the behaviour.

Lots of people on here have said they call boys bossy/hear boys being called bossy. Are you saying they are all lying?

I would be annoyed that the teacher didn't have anything positive to say about your daughter. That said, some children are bossy, my son included. It's not a particularly likeable trait and working with your DD to turn her "bossy" behaviour into good leadership could help her greatly with her social skills both now and down the line.

I think starting formal education is a big step for a 4 year old and they can deal with it in different ways, some cry (that was me) some become quieter than normal, some become more aggressive and I think some become bossy as a way of trying to control a strange environment. If you are lucky your child loves school and is happy but that doesn't always happen.

I don't think it means it is something sinister or will be with them for life (although for some it is) but I think they are telling us something and we should listen. All the more need to listen if this is something that isn't normal for the child because something is causing that change. Maybe realising the teacher doesn't like you is a reason. I know my crying was linked to the fact that my sister had been my teachers pet the year before, she immediately took against me and after a few weeks of being unhappy and insecure I just started crying, all day every day at school and at home I was completely normal. Eventually they moved me to another class and it helped but it wasn't until we moved and I went to a new school with a clean sheet that I was OK with school.

Great example of sexist judgement of boys here.