Ok for teacher to call child bossy

[Whawhawha]

So for context- my DD is 4 years old and has just started Reception. Her class teacher told me (during my first meeting with her) that she thought my child was bossy and couldn’t do x y and z. Nothing positive. 😪

aibu?

yanbu - teachers shouldn’t call children bossy

yabu - you’re being over sensitive- it’s fine.

[donttellmehesalive]

Either the teacher is a malicious liar, the teacher is too stupid to realise that it is not bossiness but actually star quality and super leadership skills, or she is bossy and it would be great if you could all help her to learn this before she loses her friends.

[silvermantella]

@Zola1

In report writing about children I tend to write 'likes to lead in play' or 'tends to want to lead amongst her peers' etc. Essentially it's the same thing just more kind as I don't like bossy - prefer strength based

Yea but what if it's not a strength? At that age reports are as much about social development as academic, if a child's social interations are negatively affected due to being bossy I think it's a good thing to highlight that to parents as early as possible. It seems very odd to not have 1 positive thing to say about OP's dd though, from my family members and friends who are teachers, their reports (lke Zola1's) tend to go the other way in trying to be as positive as possible.

[OppsUpsSide]

I haven’t worked in a school where the term bossy has solely been reserved for girls. Bossy is different from leader and neither is reserved for either sex.

[HallwayDoor]

Terms are only ok if you’d use the same for boys, so if she would also describe the boys as bossy then it’s more acceptable, which it isn’t.

[Defaultsettings]

I suspected that was the case. Shock that renders you unable to process well enough to respond may mean that there was a chance that you were so blindsided by the comment that you missed the positives?

[Whawhawha]

@MelchiorsMistress just to be clear - she is not that bossy! She doesn’t not listen to other children’s ideas or play. She will happily play along with others. She doenat expect other people to do as she says.

[MelchiorsMistress]

@HallwayDoor

Terms are only ok if you’d use the same for boys, so if she would also describe the boys as bossy then it’s more acceptable, which it isn’t.

How do you know she doesn’t use the word about boys she thinks it applies to?

[EllieRosesMammy]

Like others have said I dislike the word "bossy" as its always a name thrown at girls who are assertive, and rarely at boys who get called leaders. YANBU x

[Whawhawha]

@Defaultsettings - no, she really didn’t say anything positive! Really!

[donttellmehesalive]

@Whawhawha

@Defaultsettings agree- it is unusual. I get the feeling she doesn’t like her. She is very clever and maybe this is seen as a ‘know it all’ or something. Maybe not saying anything positive was her way of ‘bringing her down a peg or two’. I don’t know her motives but it did shock me.

Teachers don't dislike clever children. We love them. They get on with tasks, delight us with their knowledge and enhance the learning of those around them.

We are not overly keen on kids who cause disharmony and upset in the classroom and on the playground by being bossy. She's only four and still learning so it's nothing to worry about but my goodness your reaction to it is baffling to me. Maybe it was you the teacher was bringing down a peg or two?

[Oopswediditagain2023]

I wouldn't consider bossy a gendered insult - I've heard lots of boys and men called "bossy"! Maybe it's a regional thing?

I think it's a shame the teacher hasn't had anything positive to say and I'd probably chase that up.

However I would think about the bossy comment further - there were a few kids when I was at school who I guess you'd class as "bossy" and they were quite excluded from the wider group as time went on as they just couldn't "fit in"? The teacher might be trying to gently mention this before it becomes a problem?

[donttellmehesalive]

@Whawhawha

@MelchiorsMistress just to be clear - she is not that bossy! She doesn’t not listen to other children’s ideas or play. She will happily play along with others. She doenat expect other people to do as she says.

Kids can and do behave differently when mum isn't around.

[RegardingMary]

Strangely its only ever girls that are bossy. Boys get to be 'strong willed' 'a natural leader''intelligent' Girls are 'bossy' and 'know it alls'

[LimeTreeGrove]

Not too bad if she's using it about both sexes but if she only uses it against girls she's very unreasonable. There are very many negative words used about women

sacraparental.com/2016/05/14/everyday-misogyny-122-subtly-sexist-words-women/

She should have said something positive about your dd. No 4 year old is all bad!

[MelchiorsMistress]

@Whawhawha

@MelchiorsMistress just to be clear - she is not that bossy! She doesn’t not listen to other children’s ideas or play. She will happily play along with others. She doenat expect other people to do as she says.

Maybe she has at school. It’s would be normal for her to behave in ways you haven’t seen while she’s in such a different environment with so many other children.

Whatever it is, you really shouldn’t be left feeling like this after a parents evening so it would help if you talk to the teacher again. If she’s right and your dd is being bossy in a way that needs to be addressed to support her in the best way possible, then she needs to tell you exactly what the problem is so you know what you’re supposed to talk to your child about. If you are right and your dd rarely displays behaviour that could be described as bossy and your instinct is that the teacher just doesn’t like your dd then she needs to know that you’re on to her and she should be a bit more careful.

[Newlifestartingatlast]

No. Never
i would be seriously complaining
it is a term to shut up and remove control from assertive females .

Unfortunately the unconscious bias with which this term is used doesn’t stop at school and goes all the way into work environments where women can never get it right: they are either labelled as bossy or not assertive enough depending on who is giving feedback. it goes hand in hand with all the other negative labels women get called like “headmistressy”, “modulating your tone” (this isn’t shouting but just talking and relates to women having higher pitch voices), “calm down” (women who express passionately and hold their ground), “emotional” , “agressive” etc

I’ve known more agressive men, emotional men and domineering men in my 40 years of work than I have women. They almost never get “feedback” on this with negative connotations. Not unless they’ve actually lost their shit completely.

A teacher using it is appalling. It is conditioning children, especially boys to see a girl taking charge is out of order

if the teacher has issues about dc trying to take charge or exerting control inappropriately or not giving other kids a chance to say what they want to do, then that’s fine. It’s something that needs to be worked on, and something you can help with at home. Helping her to understand that she may see what needs doing or decide what to do very quickly, but other people and children need a bit more time to think through all the options - she can adapt her style with help from you, to ask the more thinking style (analytical vs espresso e personality types) kids for their views, let others speak etc. These are great life skills to teach- helping her to be able to identify and interact successfully with different personality types. It can be entirely age appropriate

[Thinkbiglittleone]

If she is bossy then the teacher is right in telling you this, it's not a nice trait and may make her struggle to make and retain friends.

Yes the teachers should try and find something positive to say about her, I would ask why they can't if it has upset you.

We call boys bossy just as much as we call boys bossy. We try to discourage it in both.

[Bigweekend]

@Thinkbiglittleone

If she is bossy then the teacher is right in telling you this, it's not a nice trait and may make her struggle to make and retain friends.

Yes the teachers should try and find something positive to say about her, I would ask why they can't if it has upset you.

We call boys bossy just as much as we call boys bossy. We try to discourage it in both.

Heaven forbid a little girl might not be "nice".

It depends what is meant by bossy. Takes control? Gets things done? Provides leadership? Holds strong opinions or beliefs?

Why is that bad ?

[DiddyHeck]

@Whawhawha

@DiddyHeck i know this! I’ve talked to her about it but she’s only trying to do what is right-jeez!

Yes of course and she's only young with a lot to learn.

But that doesn't make the teacher wrong to point out to you that she's bossy. It's not a desirable trait so the teacher is right to inform you.

Having said that, I agree she should have said something positive.

[Mylittlesandwich]

I knew before I opened the thread you would have a DD not a DS. This phrase is used exclusively for girls in my experience and so it would annoy me.

[Newlifestartingatlast]

@LimeTreeGrove

Not too bad if she's using it about both sexes but if she only uses it against girls she's very unreasonable. There are very many negative words used about women

sacraparental.com/2016/05/14/everyday-misogyny-122-subtly-sexist-words-women/

She should have said something positive about your dd. No 4 year old is all bad!

I’ll also add these studies (sorry I don’t have hare token for fortune - but top bit gives the summary)
fortune.com/2014/08/26/performance-review-gender-bias/

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210730-the-coded-language-that-holds-women-back-at-work

[Bodybarnet]

@Bigweekend

Heaven forbid a little girl might not be "nice".

It depends what is meant by bossy. Takes control? Gets things done? Provides leadership? Holds strong opinions or beliefs?

Why is that bad ?

Because it alienates others. Because it squashes the needs and desires of others and leaves them frustrated and feeling like they have no voice.
My friend's dd is bossy. She dominates games at school but cries when the other kids want to play something different and tells the teacher they are not being kind when actually they are just not doing what she wants.

[mathanxiety]

Teacher needs to give his or head a wobble.

Bossy is a horriblly gendered insult.

Don't try to change your child. Leadership qualities are to be encouraged.

[mathanxiety]

@RedHelenB

Confidence and assertiveness in girls of 4 and 5 is frequently described as 'bossiness' by people who are not comfortable with the idea of a confident and assertive little girl.

There's been a lot of research into the area of gendered perceptions of school behaviour and the damage it can do to girls.

[hryllilegur]

it is a term to shut up and remove control from assertive females

it’s not necessarily assertiveness.

calling some children bossy is being euphemistic. They are not ‘assertive’, that would be standing up for themself, setting boundaries and communicating effectively on their own behalf. Some children are domineering, controlling and dictatorial.

Ordering other children around, insisting that you have to be in control of the games and telling everyone else they’re wrong/rubbish at things in comparison to her is not assertiveness. It’s unpleasant and unkind behaviour.

I think, actually, girls are more likely to get away with it than boys. Boys will be told to stop acting like a despot, but there are quite a lot of people who’ll insist it’s wonderful that a 10 year old girl thinks she’s in charge of everything and everyone.

It would be better if we properly distinguished between confidence and assertiveness and bossy, controlling behaviour.