Ok for teacher to call child bossy

[Whawhawha]

So for context- my DD is 4 years old and has just started Reception. Her class teacher told me (during my first meeting with her) that she thought my child was bossy and couldn’t do x y and z. Nothing positive. 😪

aibu?

yanbu - teachers shouldn’t call children bossy

yabu - you’re being over sensitive- it’s fine.

Many pp have tried to convince you that it just means that she is assertive, strong willed or a natural leader op.

Maybe this is what it might mean in adults, but it is not what it means in KS1.

Boys or girls who are described as bossy at this age are not suggesting games, they are telling their friends what to play, do and say. They are taking control and unable to relinquish it. Strong children will move away from them. Quieter children will be dominated by them. They will get upset or angry or perceive injustice if their friends don't comply with their wishes. Unchecked, it often leads to other parents asking you to step in to separate their child from the bossy child.

If the teacher described her as bossy it probably does not mean she is a charismatic natural leader who is being mislabelled by a misogynistic adult. It probably means she needs a bit of help to see things from another person's perspective and to use kind words. Up to you whether you dismiss it or act on it of course.

@mathanxiety

"Bossy is a horriblly gendered insult. "

Disagree. Not necessarily so. Both sexes can be bossy.

Purple purse worded it perfectly.

This is bollocks. A teacher telling you honestly that your child is bossy does not necessarily disrespect you or your child. No need to read any more into it or succumb to paranoia.

Do that but direct it at the teacher. The HT will pass it back anyway. The day after parents evening there are always parents who didn't like what they heard, the HT's time is better spent elsewhere.

@Purplepurse my dd does non of those things. And before people say ‘she might be different in school’ she’s not. I know my own child, what she needs to work on and her strengths. She is not like this.

The teacher is a liar then?

You have got a long 14 years of education ahead of you.

My girl is bossy. The teacher sold it as "natural leader." I said, no she's just bossy. I think you need to get a grip tbh.

Don't tell me is right. I should have put class teacher and not HT. that was autopilot!

The bossy comment wouldn’t bother me at all but sad she couldn’t sandwich the negatives with some positives :(

It should be a positivity sandwich
Good at listen,
A bit overbearing with friends,
Very helpful ect ect

Your post makes no sense then. Did you not tell the teacher she must have got mixed up and your dd was perfect?

My 2 year old DS was most definitely being bossy earlier. He was trying to order me around and that’s not ok.

bossy has unpleasant undertones because it’s describing unpleasant behaviour.

Dressing it up a ‘leadership’ or ‘knowing their own mind’ or ‘a strong sense of self’ doesn’t help. The teacher wanted you to know that your DD is being bossy at school for a reason.

You really don’t know what she’s like at school. Children can be totally different people entirely at home and at school.

Well obviously I have no idea what your daughter is like. I was just telling you about the traits of a bossy child. I have seen many in my long years of teaching!
Don't completely dismiss what the teacher said.
I'm sorry you got no positives though. That's unusual, not something I would ever let a parent feel when they left a parents meeting. It was horrible for you.

School is all about learning how to get on with others. Some are too quiet and meek, others are too dominant. Reception particularly is about tweaking those tendencies to enable healthy relationships going forward. Rather than taking insult, I'd see it as her trying to help your DD. But that is with a lot of hindsight. I didn't feel at all that way when my DC were criticised a bit carelessly by their reception teacher.

If a teacher had written on a report card 20 years ago that I was ‘bossy’ would my mum and dad be questioning it? Nope. The teacher could write anything she saw fit on it and my parents would fully respect that she’s a professional trying to do her job and prove she knows 30+ children really well. Small things like this being questioned is just the tip of the ice berg. There will be no teachers left in another 20 years. The constant attitude from parents of how they could have done it better is what eventually tipped me over the edge, I’m out!

The shit sandwich approach usually means that, depending on disposition, the recipient only hears the positives or the negatives.

I don’t think whether she is bossy or not is the issue. It’s the fact that it was a teacher saying it, without any positives.

So you would have been ok with the teacher calling her bossy if there had also been some positives?

Teachers these days feel compelled to sugar-coat everything, and the result can be that even the parents who don't see their dc through heavily rose-tinted spectacles and who would be willing to take constructive criticism on board, really don't get the message about what their child is like in school.

You're absolutely right that the teacher should find something positive to say, and yes 'bossy' has been used to put down ambitious or assertive women. However, we have all seen bossy children and they can be boys or girls. As @PurpleFlower1983 said, a confident child with genuine leadership skills is not the same as a bossy child.

Having given loads of feedback to people
in a range of situations, I wouldn’t be certain that the teacher did say nothing positive. Often people stop hearing anything else after they’ve heard something they find challenging or just negative. Or they simply forget all the positives because they’re so upset that they heard criticism of something in particular.

It’s actually possible (and not a dig at the OP at all) that the teacher said several positive things. But the experience of hearing someone say something critical about her child was obviously emotional for her and it might just be the negatives are all she remembers of the conversation.

As a teacher I'd not like to use the word bossy because it's often tied up with being used disproportionately for girls.

But as a parent I would want to stop and I
consider if there was a valid point behind what's being said because there is a different between being bossy and being assertive. Some children really do start bossing each other around and like to take charge of every game/activity and it means other children don't get a look in.

I know from my own DC that they can, and do, play differently when I'm not around or when they're with different friends. It makes me laugh a bit when I hear parents certain their child is the same when they're away as when they're with their parent.

Yes she should also comment on the good things like being kind, taking turns etc. I think that is something that needs to be addressed. I don't think focusing on the bossy is helping, being bossy can be a negative and lead to issues with other children so just being aware and keeping an eye on that is a good idea and I don't think you should focus on that.

YANBU, it’s a rude and unpleasant way to speak to a parent about their child. She should have specified exactly what she was doing that was ‘bossy’ so you could actually understand the issue (if there even is one).

Honestly op. I can see that you're upset by this. You skipped in expecting to be told that she was super bright and doing great and you got some negative feedback. However I really wouldn't dwell on it, maybe she is a little 'bossy' in school , not uncommon particularly in bright kids but I'm sure she will settle in
Teacher absolutely could have thrown you a bone though and given some positive feedback on some part of dd. It does sound a little that she may not be particularly fond of her which shouldn't but does happen.

Why are boys never bossy?
I don’t like the term at all, it’s used instead of assertive for girls

I've often told my two ds to stop bossing me and/or one another around. I work in all boys' school and the word bossy or bossing is used there also so the idea of always girls/never boys doesn't ring true for me in anyway.

However the biggest issue is no positives! Dreadful. A friend's dd was described as telling her friends what to do and when to do it ie bossy and that the little classmates didn't like it. She was the same age as yours. My DF simply said she didn't lick that off a stone, referring to herself (also a teacher!)

The thing is, children of this age are largely being bossed around themselves a bit, 'put on your coat' 'brush your teeth', 'put your hand up' etc. It's not a surprise they emulate us! What are you like yourself OP? 😉 I'm definitely, and quite happily, a bit of a bossy boots!