To consider not attending my sisters vow renewal or her new house? (Lgbt travel)

[Sandyshoes2]

Odd question really.

I'm part of a lesbian couple and have a toddler

My sister previously lived in Dubai for a few years, but moved home for a few years while my neice was undergoing health treatment. Health treatment is now done and they are moving to another country in that region

While she was there initially I was single, and visited her a few times, had some lovely holidays.

Her wedding was a fairly rush job prior to moving to dubai in order to be able live with her husband as a married couple there, so understandably now neice is better she would like the celebration that she didn't have before.

However she has chosen a fairly famous non lgbt friendly country to do it in. I completely understand that it's probably something that didn't cross her mind.

When she announced that was likely the plan, I said that I'd have to think about if we would attend and explained that I wasn't sure about going to that country. As part of that conversation it then became apparent that we weren't considering visiting when they move to the new country.

Her view is that I previously visited in dubai, and that both countries are much more worried about locals rather than applying the rules to "Westerners" which is probably true.

My view is things are different now because I'd be travelling as part of a queer family, there is a clear indication that I'm gay because I'm legally married to a woman, we are both on Dds birth certificate. Before it felt more like as long as I didnt engage in a homosexual act then nothing was likely to happen. I'm sort of not really a fan of spending thousands on travel to not sleep in the same bed as my wife. Im concerned that should an issue occur that my wife wouldn't be treated as my wife or the mother of DD. Dp also looks butch which worries me for her

I think she's probably right that they don't give a shit what happens in resorts, but part of me feels like I'm too old to be acting like we aren't a family, and that it's not worth the risk. I do know queer couples that have travelled throughout similar countries and been left alone as long as they don't hold hands

I'm sad to miss out on the renewal and recognise its a wedge between me and my sister

It just feels like a lose lose situations

Your sister protected herself by getting married before moving out but is now expecting you to put yourself at risk to celebrate a vow renewal…..errr….no thank you.

YANBU and your sister is for putting any pressure on you

stick to your guns - it doesn’t matter how comfortable she is that nothing will happen- it’s not her taking the risk

I have visited Dubai and did enjoy it but I wouldn't go back now I've heard more stories.

A woman was hospitalised for a miscarriage and the Dr's called the police and had her arrested for not being married. Beyond cruel.

How migrant workers (slaves) were treated (passports hidden etc).

I'm sure there are many more stories of unfair treatment and abuse. I wouldn't risk it as someone in a same sex marriage. I'm sure nothing would happen but it is a risk at the end of the day. Hopefully your sister will understand.

Personally I wouldn't go - you have a few options. Go yourself and make a whistle stop trip. Travel and follow any advice you can get or not go.

I cant appreciate your situation but as a straight woman I don't want to be near a country that officially has a rhetoric of hate.

Your sister is most definitely being unreasonable to expect you to go - and quite frankly, for picking that destination in the first place when it doesn’t even sound like she has any meaningful connection to that particular country… Is she that naive/sheltered/oblivious that she didn’t see the potential issue or worse, does she think local laws don’t apply to rich white people?!

I’m a lesbian and married and I wouldn’t go, I’ve been to some Islamic counties with my wife, but we have always researched if they are safe for LGBT couples and even then we have had to make sure we don’t do anything to draw attention to us as a couple or anything that could be accused of being “indecent” or illegal, so I definitely would not go with a child. I wouldn’t risk it in a Middle Eastern country as they’re less likely to turn a blind eye than say in Bali or Turkey.

This. It might be fine - but it could be catastrophic.

Tbh I'm in a heterosexual relationship and I wouldn't go.

I would especially stay away if you are a non white family. A mixed race friend of mine vowed never ever to set foot in the middle east again because of her experiences.

I wouldn't go to countries like that as a woman, let alone as a married lesbian with a child.

If something goes wrong, you are automatically wrong in such places. There is no 'benefit of the doubt', it's the opposite- an assumption that you deserved whatever went wrong.

She's desensitised to it because of her exposure and basically her straight privilege. She may also be protected by her or her husband's employer. You would not be.

I wouldn't take the risk of visiting either. Sure, most of the time the authorities ignore it, but all it takes is one police officer with an axe to grind and you could end up in jail or worse. And all of the "it probably won't happen" is useless in retrospect if it DOES happen. Then everyone says, "Well what was she thinking, traveling to a country with those sorts of laws."

It's a big risk to take and your sister is being a bit naive to that.

I wouldn't consider going anywhere where I would worry about reactions to my partner. It's really unreasonable to expect you to not interact naturally with your wife, IMO.

That is a part of the world into which I will never, ever step foot.

YANBU, I wouldn't go in your circumstances. The risk, however unlikely it may be to transpire, is far too great.

If your sister apologised profusely for not thinking about that and understands entirely why you can't go, fine. If she pushes back at all, I'd be very upset.

I am gay and wouldn't risk it.

I did meet up with a long distance partner in Dubai, out of lack of choice during Covid travel restrictions, and we got away with it, even sharing a bed ('Do you have any twin rooms with two double beds please, as I am too tall for single beds...... Oh, that's a shame, hmmmm...not sure what to do......OK, well I guess we can cope with sharing as long as the king size bed is very large....is it large?)'

It was still tense.

The room cleaning staff knocked at very unpredictable times, we were forever rearranging the pillows and sheets to make it look like two dents, even in a taxi ride we got questioned by the driver about whether we each had kids... and my partner got questioned about why she didn't.

I breathed a sigh of relief when the plane took off, and would not go back there.

As others have said, what happened when someone asks questions and your child chimes in with the answer, or your child loudly asks you why you are lying etc.

If you do go, go alone.

I don't think your sister has thought the implications of all this through, (she probably just thinks you'd have to have twin beds for a few nights and that shouldn't be a huge deal ...)

I have lived in the Gulf too and what others who have lived there have said is right. 99% of the time, it won't be an issue and no one will care but if you happen to run into the one person who wants to make it an issue or you end up with some incidental police involvement due to an accident or something and you get the wrong person....there could be a problem and they could make your life difficult. It feels very safe when you are there and people are very friendly but there is always a very slim chance you could have a what could go wrong, did.

I wouldn’t go to a vow renewal anyway, but aside from that, even as a straight person I wouldn’t go to one of these backward, bigoted countries. Your sister sounds rather selfish.

why couldnt she have the renewal here whilst she was still iving here

she knows what theyre like she married quicxkly because of their laws!

Nope. I don’t think you should go. When you were single your sexuality couple be kept private but as a lesbian married couple with a child it’s far too risky. No way.

Your sibling is 100% responsible for creating a wedge by even considering having the vow renewal in a place you are not welcome.

you should not attend.

if I was also invited I would decline on principle knowing my family member couldn’t attend.

If you were ‘caught’ you could be jailed for up to 14 years. Just for existing as who you are. If your sister doesn’t appreciate that, fuck her.

I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go. Your sister is being really selfish and thoughtless for expecting you to take the risk.

Omg. That is insane. I didn’t know it was so harsh.

I wouldn’t go either and I’m in a hetero marriage with a teen dd.

I think that's perfectly understandable, OP. I won't go to countries where women's lives are limited and endangered in ways men's aren't. I think explain your concerns very clearly to your sister & wish her well.

@Flymetothetoon · Today 12:05

I'm assuming Quatar and I wouldn't want to visit such a backward country regardless of my sexuality.

Me either. On another note this is probably one of the reasons David Beckham will never get a knighthood. Accepting payment from people who will put a gay person to death.. no.