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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

275 replies

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:12

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 14:14

It is fairly standard practice for parents to sign as a guarantor as not many students have sufficient income to cover costs.

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 14:16

Can you stop sending him his weekly "savings" and save it in case he needs it next year?

Has he told you how he plans on ensuring he has the money for next years rent?

RunningFromInsanity · 23/01/2023 14:17

No way would I be a guarantor for someone that has shown how irresponsible they are with saving money.
You will be liable for the rent if he doesn’t pay, whether you can afford it or not.

donquixotedelamancha · 23/01/2023 14:18

If he defaults, you have to pay. There would probably also be substantial costs added on before it gets to that point.

He's 20. he can be responsible for his own accomodation. If he doesn't want to agree to your terms, that's fine, but then he doesn't get to use your credit.

Don't let it become a blackmail thing, just keep saying 'yes, I will be your guarantor, you just need to do this...'- then the ball is in his court.

isthewashingdryyet · 23/01/2023 14:19

Are you guaranteeing just him or all of the people in the shared house .

it’s a NO from me either way. lazy git that he is

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 14:19

No way would I be used as a guarantor in these circumstances. His priorities are all wrong and he sounds very immature. It’s not a case of you ‘not being able to pay’ if he (likely) defaults. You’ll end up with high court enforcement officers at your house seizing goods for the bill.

Margo34 · 23/01/2023 14:20

I wouldn't guarantor for him but I also would trust he will save the money himself and if he gets into a pickle well he'll have to work his way out.

MrKlaw · 23/01/2023 14:20
  • perfectly normal to rqeuire a guarantor.
  • Bear in mind you're likely going to be asked to be 'joint and several' guarantor which technically means you're part guaranteeing the rest of the house too. This is common also if a little uncomfortable
  • The budget issues are separate.

I'd definitely get him to pay you not only some of his wages, but also the student loan - set up a separate account where you can ring-fence it. Then pay him rent and living expenses separately - ideally monthly. He needs to learn to budget and monthly is long enough that it'd be annoying to run out but he'll live. Sending it weekly is a bit too hand holdy in my opinion.

together you can work on the figures. Agree on a living expenses amount - if he can cover that with his job then great. Break everything down from yearly amount to what that means each month. Go through this with him. For you it may be he's bad with money, but to him it may simply be lack of practice in the real world?

can you not help with any finances? If you're getting the minium there is an implied expectaiton that the parents can contribute towards topping that up - obviously not always possible

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 14:20

Teenagers in uni who’s parents earn more but therefore reducing the amount of student loan they qualify for but who don’t give any financial help are the most disadvantaged financially.

Guarantors are a basic requirement for all private rentals for uni accommodation, he’s not wrong that he will have to drop out if you refuse to sign it.

I honestly don’t get the big issue, you’re nagging and controlling imo. He saved money on his year out for uni, he’s using his own money to subsidise his student loan and he already has a job in first year. It’s only Jan, he hasn’t really been there for 5 month. Uni starts late September and breaks for weeks over Christmas.

Mylaferret · 23/01/2023 14:21

He's an adult. Let him stand on his own two feet and if that means he gets kicked out of uni then that's a lesson learnt. You can't afford to be a guarantor.

Original poster
wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:21

I appreciate its fairly standard, we had a long conversation before he went about cost and the need to secure a job etc, he can afford the costs if he saves I just don't quite believe he has the will power to do so and I cannot afford it if he defaults.

The weekly savings are dwindling! what's left would cover around 1/5th of the rent for next year.

He just said I will save the money from my wages in my own account and his loan, then in the next breath goes and gets a tattoo!🙄

OP posts:
cyclamenqueen · 23/01/2023 14:22

The not saving is not brilliant but my ds has significant savings from his job in his year off and we still had to stand guarantor . I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a guarantor , although I think there is some type of insurance you can have instead.,

SausageInCider · 23/01/2023 14:22

Let him drop out then it doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough for uni. If he wanted to stay under my roof though he would have to get a full time job and pay rent and food. He’s 20 - time he started looking to supporting himself

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/01/2023 14:23

If he defaults, you will have to pay. Whether you can afford it or not. Given he’s already shown he can’t manage money I wouldn’t do it.

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 14:23

@SausageInCider He’s 20 - time he started looking to supporting himself

He is supporting himself though.

EMUKE · 23/01/2023 14:23

Oh mumma! Us mums and their boys…
you need to be sensible here and for me it’s all about tough love. His new job will pay yes but as you have said he is not good with money. I think HE needs to compromise. He sends you half his wage and you sign to guarantee for him. OR he handles it on his own and if he drops out this shows his true colours. Also when he comes home either way before he packs up he needs to know he will need to know how much rent he will need to be paying weekly. We need to prepare them for the future we’ve raised them this far there has to be a point where they can fly off.

ditalini · 23/01/2023 14:24

The "big deal" is that if he doesn't pay the rent than she's guaranteed they will come looking for it from her. Just because you qualify to be a guarantor doesn't mean you can actually afford to cover defaulted rent.

It's a big risk and it's not unreasonable for op to try to mitigate some of that risk by seeking some security in the form of a cushion of savings from her ds to lessen the chances of him defaulting.

lurchermummy · 23/01/2023 14:25

We are guarantors for our DD but the maintenance loan comes to us, and we pay the rent plus give her a weekly allowance to live on. She set this up in her student finance account and was happy to do it. It is normal for students to have a guarantor, but I can understand why in this instance you are wary.

FlounderingFruitcake · 23/01/2023 14:25

Guarantors for students in private rented is standard. Presuming he is at a uni where they don’t get halls after the first year and he’s too far to commute from home then it’ll be impossible for him to continue on his course without one. I guess the issue is that you don’t trust him to save and he thinks at the age of 20 that it’s infantilising to have to have his mum save for him. Neither of you are in the wrong really. Could he set up his own savings account and prove he can manage it himself between now and the end of the year? And could you reserve judgement on any spending e.g. the tattoo as long as he’s also budgeting properly for the rent? He could show the balance on a monthly basis rather than the individual line items on the statement.

Snarf23 · 23/01/2023 14:26

It doesn’t matter if parents are commonly guarantors or not @wonderingannie if you honestly cannot afford to bail him out do not become one! He sounds very unreliable with money and I’d bet if you sign he will spend his money expecting you to pick up the tab regardless.

We have to learn lessons in life and maybe he is about to learn a hard one.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 23/01/2023 14:26

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 14:14

It is fairly standard practice for parents to sign as a guarantor as not many students have sufficient income to cover costs.

Maybe but why would you do it if there's a oogd chance of default and you can afford to pay?

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 14:28

Re-reading your op is he taking a room in a shared house? You say 'astronomical rent' he's not renting a place to himself is he?

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair to be honest most student landlords wouldn't pursue it, they'd advertise for another housemate. Also what's the alternative? Him dropping out of Uni? How would that help anything? Parents have some responsibility to their children surely..

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 23/01/2023 14:29

He needed a rocket up his arse to get a job and he has spent all of his money on games, clothes and trainers.

I mean he couldn’t make it any clearer that he cannot manage his money and you’ll end up bailing him out financially as guarantor.

If you can’t afford to pay his rent you’d be absolutely insane to act as guarantor.

Sucessinthenewyear · 23/01/2023 14:29

Margo34 · 23/01/2023 14:20

I wouldn't guarantor for him but I also would trust he will save the money himself and if he gets into a pickle well he'll have to work his way out.

Legally that’s not how it works. If he stops making rent then the OP will have to pay.

TodayInahurry · 23/01/2023 14:31

Why does he need to live away, can’t he go somewhere nearer, will he actually work for the degree, he does not sound motivated.