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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

275 replies

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:12

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 23/01/2023 14:32

Not a chance. He's a big boy now

Billybagpuss · 23/01/2023 14:33

So if you refuse to guarantee the accommodation he’ll drop out of uni? And live where?

ilovepuppies2019 · 23/01/2023 14:37

Is it normal to need a guarantor? As he's 20 I would have thought that parents would be left out I'd things and he would either pay or default like any other adult. Price rentals don't normally require a guarantor surely or most people would not be able rent.

He's right that it's infantisisng him but I would not want to act as guarantor if I couldn't afford it. I guess one question is how badly can't you not afford it if he defaults? Not ideal or disaster? I'd it would be a disaster then you can't do it.

I would have been mortified at 20 to hand my money over to Mum. Can you sit down with him and ask him for solutions? I would suggest that you be willing to do it if he can show between now and the beginning of the new rental there he can save by himself. He can show you account totals rather than line by line items and then his spending is his own business. He should only be accountable to you by the amount he needed to save, not for what he purchased. I'd he can save between now and then then you can act as guarantor.

SchoolTripDrama · 23/01/2023 14:38

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:21

I appreciate its fairly standard, we had a long conversation before he went about cost and the need to secure a job etc, he can afford the costs if he saves I just don't quite believe he has the will power to do so and I cannot afford it if he defaults.

The weekly savings are dwindling! what's left would cover around 1/5th of the rent for next year.

He just said I will save the money from my wages in my own account and his loan, then in the next breath goes and gets a tattoo!🙄

But the reason he got such a small student loan is because of YOUR income! The reason for this is because you & his father (if around) are expected to support him....

Gatekeeper · 23/01/2023 14:38

@wonderingannie

Have a look at this company as they can act as private guarantors for an extra monthly fee

here

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 14:39

This was necessary in every student house I lived in. I would have been pretty screwed had my dad not signed as a guarantor for me. I was also reckless with money until I turned 23 but I ALWAYS got rent and bills paid. It's difficult because it's still a huge responsibility as a guarantor. Is halls available in second year? That might be his only option. Either that or save up 6 months rent....

SchoolTripDrama · 23/01/2023 14:40

ilovepuppies2019 · 23/01/2023 14:37

Is it normal to need a guarantor? As he's 20 I would have thought that parents would be left out I'd things and he would either pay or default like any other adult. Price rentals don't normally require a guarantor surely or most people would not be able rent.

He's right that it's infantisisng him but I would not want to act as guarantor if I couldn't afford it. I guess one question is how badly can't you not afford it if he defaults? Not ideal or disaster? I'd it would be a disaster then you can't do it.

I would have been mortified at 20 to hand my money over to Mum. Can you sit down with him and ask him for solutions? I would suggest that you be willing to do it if he can show between now and the beginning of the new rental there he can save by himself. He can show you account totals rather than line by line items and then his spending is his own business. He should only be accountable to you by the amount he needed to save, not for what he purchased. I'd he can save between now and then then you can act as guarantor.

Even an 80yr old would need a guarantor for a privately rented property unless they earned over 60/70k!

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 14:41

On another note, you need to stop micromanaging his finances. They are his responsibility and you are being controlling. Let him get some independence. If he wants to spend some money on a tattoo, let him. It's not your place to judge him for that. My mum was like this and it drove me mad.

Nw22 · 23/01/2023 14:41

If he gets the minimum loan you should be paying his rent anyway

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/01/2023 14:43

How much do you actually give him, not from his savings but from you?

His loan is calculated based on your salary and how much financial support you are expected to give him but it sounds like you're not giving him any? He is very disadvantaged if that is the case.
I worked through uni but if I had to work enough to cover all the expenses without parental help then I wouldnt have done as well.
Those are the kids who dont do as well.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 14:44

Are you paying the expected parental contribution?

If he only has a small loan that is because you are expected to contribute.

If he wants income above the contribution and the loan then he needs a job.

If the rent is above the parental contribution and his loan then he needs to find a cheaper place

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 14:44

I know a lot of parent are guarantors, but you shouldn’t sign anything if you don’t think you will be able to afford it. If that means he has to swap to a university closer to home then that is what he will need to do.

I think you need to stop treating him like a child though and let him manage his own money, I don’t see how he is going to learn financial responsibility with you babying and controlling him the way you are.

Margo34 · 23/01/2023 14:44

Sucessinthenewyear · 23/01/2023 14:29

Legally that’s not how it works. If he stops making rent then the OP will have to pay.

Show quote history

Yes you are correct if the OP agrees to be a guarantor. Which is not what I said.

nex18 · 23/01/2023 14:45

If he’s only getting the minimum maintenance loan then you should be contributing to his living costs. Be his guarantor but make your contribution his rent and pay it directly so there’s no chance of him defaulting.

Margo34 · 23/01/2023 14:46

SchoolTripDrama · 23/01/2023 14:40

Even an 80yr old would need a guarantor for a privately rented property unless they earned over 60/70k!

Show quote history

Not necessarily if they could pay upfront in advance like 6m rent (or whatever contract allows).

MrKlaw · 23/01/2023 14:47

He literally won't get accommodation without it. Unless he pays a year up front which he can't

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 14:47

If he has only the minimum loan then you are expected to contribute over £5000 a year. This is separate from anything he earns in a job.
www.savethestudent.org/money/asking-parents-for-money-university.html#1

L0bstersLass · 23/01/2023 14:47

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:21

I appreciate its fairly standard, we had a long conversation before he went about cost and the need to secure a job etc, he can afford the costs if he saves I just don't quite believe he has the will power to do so and I cannot afford it if he defaults.

The weekly savings are dwindling! what's left would cover around 1/5th of the rent for next year.

He just said I will save the money from my wages in my own account and his loan, then in the next breath goes and gets a tattoo!🙄

You do realise you should be contributing significantly here...
See this video from Martin Lewis -

It's all very well and good saying you can't afford it. It's not difficult to identify where he's got his poor grasp of financial planning from.

DialsMavis · 23/01/2023 14:50

I was also going to ask how much you contribute? Can you save this for him and stop sending him his prior savings?

If you are not contributing I think he is probably not bad with money tbh to even be managing.

DS is crap with money too, but not silly enough to not pay his rent (he also has to work). We are expecting to have to up our contribution for his final year as his loan will be reduces, his rent and bills will be even higher and he will need to work a bit less to ensure he gets the nest degree possible. I am not sure how we will find the extra money, but we will have to, as he is our responsibility despite being an adult.

Firstmonthfree · 23/01/2023 14:50

I worked for a lettings agency and we would go after guarantors regularly for defaulted rent. Never sign up thinking it’s just a formality or standard practice but it will never be used. If you don’t trust him and can’t afford it don’t do it.

redskydelight · 23/01/2023 14:54

A student getting the minimum grant, no financial help from parents to top it up to the full level, and a part time job ... is not going to be in the position to have masses to save!

Christmas money was surely in lieu of presents and not intended to pay rent?

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 14:56

Are you going to be topping his minimum loan up to the maximum amount? If not then YABU.

You should be charging him some board though whilst he is not a student.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 14:58

To give you an idea. My son gets minimum loan. we top up his accommodation and give him £68 per week to live on. He sometimes earns money though gigging and he uses that for socialising, travelling to see friends etc etc Same with his Christmas money.

SarahMused · 23/01/2023 14:59

If he’s on a minimum maintenance loan the understanding is that the parents make up the difference which is approximately £5,000 a year. We did this with ours by paying their rent and then they lived on their loan. That way there is no chance of them defaulting on the rent payments and being a guarantor is risk free. If you don’t do this you can get guarantor insurance, especially important if you are worried about the other students in the house defaulting on a jointly and severally liable tenancy. Personally I’ve always refused to sign that kind of contract - you can usually pay six months up front to avoid it.

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 15:00

If he’s only getting minimum loan you must be on a reasonable income. Are you paying the expected parental contribution to make it up to the full amount? Or are you not contributing and expecting him to use his income/ savings to make up the whole shortfall?
He simply won’t be able to get the tenancy without a guarantor. The rent should be the first thing he pays each term, then there won’t be any defaulting. If he was foolish enough to not pay the rent and let the landlord come after you for the money as guarantor, he needs to understand that this would be a serious problem. You’d have to find the money somehow.
I have signed for my DC for next year. It will be made very clear that not paying their rent is not an option unless they want to give up their course, come home and get a full time job to pay me back.