Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

[wonderingannie]

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

You clearly have no understanding of the university loans system.
It has nothing to do with OP's son 'understanding finance'. His loan amount is directly related to the household income of his parents. You might think responsibility for your children stops at 18 but the government disagree hence access to funds for uni is means tested.

He has started a job. The subsidy to his student loan was though his own savings.
What part of sending his earnings to his mummy would be 'growing up'?

You've had years to save for this. This is not your son's fault.
The fact that he is not getting the full allowance indicates that there is decent money coming into the house.

This

Whether anyone agrees on not the student loan system assumes a parental contribution. And that parents contribute that amount.

Jobs and other earnings are in addition to that parental contribution.

My dad has a friend who's son is in his forties and is still tapping his parents up for money on a regular basis.

I've not asked for a penny since I finished university (but did accept some help for our seventh round of IVF).

I'd suggest you tell your son that he has two options.

1. He updates his bank details, with his employer, so that all the wages are paid into your account and then you send him some pocket money. You then become guarantor.

2. He carries on as he is and you don't become guarantor.

And given as about half of school leavers go to university then you have had his whole life to plan and save for this scenario happening.

If you've only managed to save £1800 in 15 months, when your income is such that he only gets the minimum loan, then you are living beyond your means.

You have a decent income. If you have that little money around at the end of 15 months then you are living far beyond your means.

Nope. I wouldn’t do it without proof first that he can save or be responsible with money.

To get only min loan then must have household income of at least £62 k.

Which is double the average uk household income

You should be making up the difference between the loan he receives and the maximum entitlement. You can read about it here blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2020/09/martin-lewis--how-much-the-govt-expects-parents-to-give-their-ch/

The fact you aren't making up this difference and you are considering not signing to be a guarantor is just cruel.

I haven't had years to save for this
We have been on a low income for along time bettering ourselves gradually through training and working hard, I saved £3000 and gave it to him when he was 18 years old, this was before he had decided to go to university at all.
I saved every bloody month for that since he was a child and it was a huge undertaking for me to do.
Have you seen the increase in mortgage rates, gas and electric bills, food, council tax, petrol! if I had the money of course I would pay to help out and I do as much as possible.

@EMUKE i think you have got the nail on the head about the heart of the issue. I consider a child as dependant until the age of 21 not 18 and expect my child to go uni unless that can present me with another viable plan. The age of independence would once have been 16, then became 18 but since now the majority of children go onto uni, that age has risen to 21. I consider uni as still part of childhood. I think many posters consider uni as part of adulthood. The student loans system is sandwiched between the 2. It is difficult situation for those caught in the middle.

Many children go to university, many with or without loans. IT IS NOT financially down to a parent or guardian to pay for this. Not in the UK. I appreciate the system and yes it’s broken! But a child going to university should not depend on if mummy and daddy can pay or substitute payment. I am proud I went and supported myself through university and onwards. Did I struggle?!? Yes! Did I learn financially how to budget and control my income and outgoings? Yes! Did mummy or daddy help me? NO… it can’t be all take take take.

I think that you need to have an adult conversation with him. Explain the situation and that there will need to be a solution.

He pays his student loan directly to you and then you pay his rent from that, and anything left over plus anything you can contribute then you pay him monthly.

Otherwise he will have to drop out as you can't afford to contribute the expected amount

That’s a good compromise, @lurchermummy We know that we’ll need to be guarantors fro DD when she starts uni this year and your system is a good way to help them budget. My DD is pretty good with money, but like most teens, she splurges at times, it’s a learning process.

He then goes to university as a mature student after 25 when your income is no longer taken into account

Tbf most people I know were skint at uni. We lived in our overdrafts even with jobs.

If he gets the min loan you are expected, as parents, to make up the difference as it's your salary that decides his loan...

If, as you said, he only gets the minimum loan then there's over £62k income coming into the house annually.
That should be plenty to be able to support him in the way that is expected unless you are or have been living beyond your means.

To be blunt if he drops out, which he probably will, it will be because you did not support him to the extent that the Government expected to. If the increase in your household income to over £70k a year is recent you could have asked to be assessed on an earlier year.

Most parents do find it hard to find the £500 a month they're expected to, but most still do it. (I had to start a side hustle to support mine.)

Given you only managed to save £3k over his entire life it's funny how you expect him to suddenly magic up the same amount on top of FT study!

Sorry but he sounds exceptionally rubbish with money, so I wouldn't be agreeing to be a guarantor even if he is your son (well unless you are happy to be liable for his rent while he pisses his own money up the wall)

I understand you not wanting to sign as guarantor if you'd be financially unable to be one (in which case you may not actually be accepted) and have concerns about his ability to manage money.

I think it's a shame you saved his money for him last year and seem to want to continue saving his money for him. At 20 he should be managing his own money. Had he had chance to start at an earlier age he may well have been better at this.

But you are where you are. What is the full amount you would be guaranteeing and what amount do you still hold for him? If he is now earning, does he need you to be sending him money from his savings? Could the savings cover the rent that needs to be guaranteed?

Some universities run rent guarantor schemes where they will guarantee the rent for their students who don't have a guarantor. Or there are companies that will do it for a fee. These are alternatives to him dropping out.

Really, savings need to be set up in his name and he needs to be managing them.

No way. Time for him to brace himself for the real world. You have supported him enough. Leave him to it.

How much is he enjoying uni? If he’s loving it, made loads of friends, enjoying his course etc, then I’d call his bluff and set down an ultimatum. He sends some savings to you and you act as guarantor, or he doesn’t and sorts it out himself, even if that means leaving uni. If he’s really loving it, I’d hope he is able to see past the ‘embarrassment’ in exchange for your help. If you think he’s actually not all that into uni, it’ll be a riskier bet. But in this case I’d make it clear that if he comes home he does so as a self supporting adult, pays board etc.

He needs to realise that by far the most insanely easy solution to this issue is to put his savings into the bank of mum for safe keeping until he’s mature enough about money to be trusted.

I know it's an emotional situation and you think you might be too harsh but he's not learning anything is he? (Academically or life skills wise) so as people have suggested he can slways go back when he's mature enough: over 25 if that works then. But meanwhile if I were you I'd let him drop out to learn the first important lesson (commitment) and manage him out of your house by age 21 for the second (self-sufficiency). If he was 18 I'd be softer but at 20 he is just not bearing any responsibility at all.

I'm very surprised so many people think you are being UR!

Of course it's common for uni students to need a guarantor and for parents to facilitate that, but he has shown he is not good with money and the only reason he has some now is because the OP saved it for him.

I certainly wouldn't be risking my own home because my son was 'embarrassed' to send money to the only person who has been saving it for him. No one else even has to know! Once he's shown he will stick at this job and is living within his means then they can change the arrangement.

Being a guarantor is a big ask for anyone, particularly if they couldn't afford to cover the rental price if they didn't pay. He still sounds very immature if he cannot understand that.