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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

275 replies

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:12

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 15:28

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:14

And the point he takes over responsibility is when he is no longer a student.

If he is on minimum loan then that is based on a calculation that his parents will contribute £5000 per year towards his living costs.

I really, really wish that more people understood how the current university funding system works

I do understand it completely!
He is an adult - I cannot stop him from going to university, regardless if I can afford the shortfall or not

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 15:31

An option is also to present as not supported by his parents to student loan company so he can get max loan. He will have to jump through a few hoops but technically its true.

Craftybodger · 23/01/2023 15:32

Can you stop sending your weekly money and save that for him? I know it’s not enough but it’s a start. Maybe create a saving schedule for him, expect him to save a certain amount and sign as guarantor when he can show that he’s reliably saving.

RedHelenB · 23/01/2023 15:34

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 14:14

It is fairly standard practice for parents to sign as a guarantor as not many students have sufficient income to cover costs.

This yabu.

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 15:34

He only gets a minimum loan because you are on a good income. The fact that you can't afford to give him any money to top it up shows that you are not that good at managing money yourself so interesting that you seem to expect him to be so good. It's completely standard for parents to guarantee the loan. It's not his fault his parents are relatively high earners. The least you can do is guarantee the accommodation so that he can study.

MatildaJayne · 23/01/2023 15:35

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 15:31

An option is also to present as not supported by his parents to student loan company so he can get max loan. He will have to jump through a few hoops but technically its true.

It's a bit more than a few hoops. He's have to prove he'd been independent of his parents for at least a year, no support, not living with them in holidays. Basically abandoned by them.

GirlsNightOut33 · 23/01/2023 15:35

if he gets into a pickle well he'll have to work his way out.

Legally, his rent bill will become the OP's problem. That's the issue - if she can't pay, then there's no way she CAN be a gaurantor, it's not Won't, it's Can't.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 23/01/2023 15:36

The lad sat on his arse doing nothing for 15 months before going to uni, when he could have been working and saving.

I wouldn’t be topping up his “games, clothes, trainers and tattoo” fund under those circumstances, even if I could afford to.

xogossipgirlxo · 23/01/2023 15:37

He's only 20, so obviously still learning how to manage his money. I'm not from the UK and had to pay 6 months rent in advance, because we had no guarantor. It was fucking hard to pay £5.4 grand out of my pocket in one payment. Housing situation is even harder now than it was back then, so I'd be his guarantor if I were you.

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 15:40

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 15:31

An option is also to present as not supported by his parents to student loan company so he can get max loan. He will have to jump through a few hoops but technically its true.

It's not an option at all unless can prove he is estranged from his parents. I think you need evidence from school/social workers proving no communication for a substantial amount of time. He obviously isn't estranged so how's he going to get that?

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:42

You obviously don't understand how the system works as you are not doing what is expected.

You encouraged him to go to university knowing that you couldn't do what was expected of you.

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 15:42

GirlsNightOut33 · 23/01/2023 15:35

if he gets into a pickle well he'll have to work his way out.

Legally, his rent bill will become the OP's problem. That's the issue - if she can't pay, then there's no way she CAN be a gaurantor, it's not Won't, it's Can't.

She must have a good income and will be able to borrow money, unlike her son.

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 15:45

@wonderingannie OP how much did you save in the 15 months extra you had before he went to uni?

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:46

And if you knew that he would probably want to go to university then you should also have been saving to cover your share of the costs.

Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 15:47

AttentionAll · 23/01/2023 15:07

Surely the Students Union must have some other way of helping if a student does not have a guarantor? My best friend at university had been in care and had no family who could take on this role. Does that really mean no one in care can go to university.

Care leavers are often allowed to stay in university owned accommodation for the whole three years for this precise reason. But it is only for genuine care leavers.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:50

And parents on low incomes, are not required to contribute. And students without parents get a higher loan amount

Original poster
wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 15:50

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:42

You obviously don't understand how the system works as you are not doing what is expected.

You encouraged him to go to university knowing that you couldn't do what was expected of you.

Rude comment.
I can assure you I completely understand how it works.
It was his choice to go to university, if you read my previous posts you will see that I have said the financial situation was discussed and made exceptionally clear prior to going to university. He knew we would be unable to top up the loan and a job would be required to support himself, however we do what we can.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 23/01/2023 15:50

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 15:31

An option is also to present as not supported by his parents to student loan company so he can get max loan. He will have to jump through a few hoops but technically its true.

The few hoops would be to prove that he was completely estranged so no in person, verbal or written contact with either parent for at least 2 years.

redskydelight · 23/01/2023 15:52

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 23/01/2023 15:36

The lad sat on his arse doing nothing for 15 months before going to uni, when he could have been working and saving.

I wouldn’t be topping up his “games, clothes, trainers and tattoo” fund under those circumstances, even if I could afford to.

he had Covid that was bad enough to stop him going to university in the September as planned. Then he has worked for 6 months of the (less than a year) remaining. And saved half of it.

Yes, he could have worked for more months, but he's hardly the deadbeat that many are describing as.
If OP were paying the parental contribution as expected, there wouldn't be this issue.

His "game, clothes, trainers" fund was money for Christmas. Is he not allowed Christmas presents?

The money he earns in his job will be covering his food, transport, study items and other essential items. (he won't be getting a catered hall for minimum grant).

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:52

Well he will have to drop out then. The system is designed for parents to contribute. You are choosing not to do so, thus he will have no choice

EMUKE · 23/01/2023 15:53

orchid220 · 23/01/2023 15:34

He only gets a minimum loan because you are on a good income. The fact that you can't afford to give him any money to top it up shows that you are not that good at managing money yourself so interesting that you seem to expect him to be so good. It's completely standard for parents to guarantee the loan. It's not his fault his parents are relatively high earners. The least you can do is guarantee the accommodation so that he can study.

This is ridiculous. Heaven forbid a parent who works all their lives supports their children to 18 and then has to still substitute them when wanting to go on to do things. You have missed the point entirely. Me and my husband and have sacrificed and worked our ass off to have what we have our children do not known the meaning of hard work but they will when they want to venture out in the big wide world… The son needs to grow and and understand finances it’s that simple. Yes the mum will guarantee but on the condition he sends his wages home. SIMPLE

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 23/01/2023 15:53

The student loan system is very broken. It's based on parental income with no accommodation for their commitments. The parents can have student loans themselves, or they could have multiple dependents, be mortage free or have 50% of their income go on their mortgage/rent.

I know a friend who had one child then twins 18 months later (and a 4th that was an oopsie 5 years younger than them). She can't find a spare £15K a year to top up all of them for the years they're all at uni together. They can't downsize as they need to house them all in holidays. She can't be a guarantor on that many rental contracts, certainly couldn't afford to pay them if it went into arrears.

Kids try to get jobs but not all degrees are easy to earn alongside. Probably going to get flamed but a medical type degree or STEM subject doesn't lean itself to having a job in the same way a history degree does. If you're doing shifts or in 9-5 every day you can't get a job as a club bartender until 4am the same way as if you only have 4 hours a week contact time.

reesewithoutaspoon · 23/01/2023 15:55

Doesn't matter whether the OP saved or didn't. that's not the issue here now. The issue is that OP cannot take on the liability of being a guarantor because if her son fails to make payments she is not in a position to make those payments in his place. Therefore she needs some security for herself, an agreement that the student loan for housing goes to her, and then she pays the rent either by transfer each month into his account or lump sum in advance.

Her son is not losing out because that money is for his rent anyway. it doesn't affect his finances, it just ensures the rent is paid and the OP is not left financially crippled.

Also be extremely careful over the wording of the actual guarantor contract, especially if he goes into shared housing. I've seen quite a few that make you liable not just for your son's portion, but everyone who lives in the HMO. So if one of them decides to up and leave you will be liable for that loss too.

redskydelight · 23/01/2023 15:55

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 15:50

Rude comment.
I can assure you I completely understand how it works.
It was his choice to go to university, if you read my previous posts you will see that I have said the financial situation was discussed and made exceptionally clear prior to going to university. He knew we would be unable to top up the loan and a job would be required to support himself, however we do what we can.

Show quote history

And according to your posts, he has a job? And he hasn't asked you for any money, so if surviving on his own?

It's not his fault that landlords won't lend to students without a guarantor.
Have you suggested a compromise e.g. he sends you screenshots of his rent being paid/confirmation from landlord etc so that you have the option to follow up with him straight away if he doesn't pay one month? I agree with him, that expecting him to send you half his money to save is infantalising him. Why not give him a chance to step up before assuming he can't do it?

Original poster
wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 15:56

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 15:45

@wonderingannie OP how much did you save in the 15 months extra you had before he went to uni?

Around £1800 but the boiler burst and I didn't have much option but to put it towards a replacement, I aimed to save again but we now have a leak in the roof which has become priority! this coupled with the COL is making it exceptionally hard to save anything month by month!

OP posts: