Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

275 replies

wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 14:12

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

OP posts:
icefishing · 23/01/2023 15:00

I'm not clear from your posts OP if you are paying the expected amount towards his education and he is just wasting it.
Next year why don't you just pay the rent directly yourself and he can get a job to top up his living expenses over his loan amount.

UsingChangeofName · 23/01/2023 15:02

Why is his accommodation next year going to be "astronomical" if he is at a University where his minimum loan covers his halls? (Suggesting he isn't in London).
He needs to take another look at what accommodation he will be staying in.

Overitallnow · 23/01/2023 15:02

Very standard. He will not get student accommodation without it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/01/2023 15:03

No. If he defaults it's all on you

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 23/01/2023 15:05

Unless you sign he really will have to drop out, my sister would have had to if I had not been her guarantor when my father refused.

Drfosters · 23/01/2023 15:05

I might be in the minority here but if you have been assessed as being able to afford it, aren’t parents supposed to cover the majority of university expenses for their children? I appreciate many are not in a position to and the student would be granted higher loan/grants to cover the shortfall. I just assumed I would be paying for my children and guaranteeing their rent if needed when the time comes. I worked every week of every holiday when at uni but not during term time. Only when I graduated did my parents start charging me rent.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 23/01/2023 15:06

I'm a nature student (31yo) with my own child, flat etc. But I can guarantee now my parents would never have been a guarantor for me. Nor would I ask due to them living month to month with no savings, as I'd be devastated if it fell on them for any reason. By 20 I was living away from home with my ex and wouldn't even accept money to help with bills etc. Personally if my daughter refused to accept my help in budgeting herself, I wouldn't expect to be her guarantor. I would happily be if I knew she'd tried her best, had a job, saving what she could and living as least wasteful as possible.

AttentionAll · 23/01/2023 15:07

Surely the Students Union must have some other way of helping if a student does not have a guarantor? My best friend at university had been in care and had no family who could take on this role. Does that really mean no one in care can go to university.

JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 15:09

I would not guarantee anything I could not afford to pay if everything went wrong.
I would not guarantee anyone I didn't trust and could offer me no security
This would apply to my children even if they dropped out of uni

I would /have helped people out financially by choice, not legal obligation

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/01/2023 15:09

Drfosters · 23/01/2023 15:05

I might be in the minority here but if you have been assessed as being able to afford it, aren’t parents supposed to cover the majority of university expenses for their children? I appreciate many are not in a position to and the student would be granted higher loan/grants to cover the shortfall. I just assumed I would be paying for my children and guaranteeing their rent if needed when the time comes. I worked every week of every holiday when at uni but not during term time. Only when I graduated did my parents start charging me rent.

You're not in the minority. Their finances have been assessed and his minimum loan amount means she is expected to contribute about £5000. If she knew she couldnt then she should have talked to him about going to a university where he could live at home.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:09

Easiest thing would be for you to pay rent directly rather than your expected parental contribution

PeekAtYou · 23/01/2023 15:12

Make it clear that if he drops out and comes home, he will be expected to pay you x% of his wages as board so his stubbornness is going to land him in the same situation.

Maybe make a deal with him that if he agrees to transfer a percentage of earnings from now until he's about to start year 3 then he can be responsible for it in his last year ? There's going to have to be a point where he has to take over the responsibility.

Yabado · 23/01/2023 15:12

Don’t you need to be earning xxxx amount and to be a home owner
can you just say you can’t be a guarantor because you don’t earn enough

and if you really can’t afford to pay his rent - and most parents couldn’t afford to pay rent and there own rent / mortgage & bills just say no

JellyBeanFactory · 23/01/2023 15:13

Drfosters · 23/01/2023 15:05

I might be in the minority here but if you have been assessed as being able to afford it, aren’t parents supposed to cover the majority of university expenses for their children? I appreciate many are not in a position to and the student would be granted higher loan/grants to cover the shortfall. I just assumed I would be paying for my children and guaranteeing their rent if needed when the time comes. I worked every week of every holiday when at uni but not during term time. Only when I graduated did my parents start charging me rent.

Exactly the same here. When I was at Uni, I worked during all the holidays for my food(beer) money and leisure(beer) money, my parents helped where they could. Then I contributed towards DC rent, plus regular food deliveries. Their loan only covered tuition fees but I expected them work out of term times (heavy workload) to cover all entertainment, extras etc.

RB68 · 23/01/2023 15:13

If he is only getting the basic loan you do realise YOU are meant to make up the difference between that and the full loan amount? It may mean they need to work as well but I get theat they don't always realise the value of money per se - mines off in September hopefully

MrKlaw · 23/01/2023 15:14

this is simplest but can be a bit generous to the student - £4200 for the year is quite a bit.

So we have ours pay the student loan to us, and we pay a monthly amount for living and for rent. He has to budget to make that living money last the month.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:14

And the point he takes over responsibility is when he is no longer a student.

If he is on minimum loan then that is based on a calculation that his parents will contribute £5000 per year towards his living costs.

I really, really wish that more people understood how the current university funding system works

MrKlaw · 23/01/2023 15:18

the wrinkle here is that while government rules might assume parents will top up the loan, they take no account of the real situation and many will not have £5k sitting around each year doing nothing. so it can be hard for them to support financially.

But yes, they should ideally help - nothing wrong with suggesting a job too, but would suggest some balance of the two would be reasonable.

MatildaJayne · 23/01/2023 15:18

If you'd posted this on the higher ed board, you'd have got a more knowledgeable response. It may come as a surprise to those with younger children, but the household a student calls home is supposed to make up the shortfall of the loan up to the maximum. That's why it's means tested. I know some parents don't support their student children, and they are usually the most disadvantaged students. If you couldn't afford to support your DS by the amount expected, then he shouldn't have gone to uni away from home.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 23/01/2023 15:21

Thing is, even if you can get him to agree to send you money from his wages, he can renegade at any point and you're already on the hook because you signed a contract!

If you can't pay it, are you a low earner? If so it may be a moot point, they ran affordability checks on guarantors as well and I've known people be refused.

Up to you, but if he doesn't pay you're screwed. You have to either trust him or not. They sometimes will accept without guarantor (often overseas students struggle) but by paying for example 6 months up front instead.

reesewithoutaspoon · 23/01/2023 15:21

If you couldn't afford to pay his rent if he defaults, you cannot accept being a guarantor. he doesn't get a say in that, as its your finances that would be impacted.
If he wants you to be the guarantor then he needs to agree that he hands over the student loan as his part of the deal and you pay the rent with it.

Doesn't matter whether he finds it 'embarrassing' you can't risk being in a position where you are having to pay rent he could default on.

caffelattetogo · 23/01/2023 15:22

If he won't see sense, refuse to be a guarantor. He can stay on at uni but will need to stay on in halls.

DottieUncBab · 23/01/2023 15:23

icelolly12 · 23/01/2023 14:14

It is fairly standard practice for parents to sign as a guarantor as not many students have sufficient income to cover costs.

This it’s pretty standard, my mum was my guarantor at uni when I went into second year in private rented

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2023 15:25

Also, are you sure that his loan was calculated on your correct income.

Original poster
wonderingannie · 23/01/2023 15:26

Of course I do not want him to drop out of uni.

We had a major discussion pre uni about finances, DS knew exactly what going to uni meant in terms of costs and expectation, we cannot afford to top up 5k per year with the cost of living rising as it is, parents are expected to do this but we cannot and this was made very clear - we do help him as much as we can financially! We are sending extra cash to top up and do a huge shop approx every 6 weeks costing £200+, we have other children as well and we are only just on the threshold so are by no means rolling in money or just being 'tight' parents.

He wanted to move to a big city so refused to attend a nearby university.

OP posts: