Asked to be guarantor for DS who wont save - WWYD?

[wonderingannie]

I just need some perspective hear - I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not

DS 20 in the 1st year of university started late due to covid so had a good 15 months off before, after much persuading and pushing, helping write CVs and application form etc finally got a job for around 6 months before which he saved half his wage (gave this to me to bank), to keep for when he started uni (I will add I never charged any board). He only gets the minimum loan which just covers costs of halls. Has been there for 5 months and has barely applied for any jobs, money is running out and I'm worrying! any spare money he got for xmas has been spent on games, clothes, trainers etc. Money just burns a hole in his pocket and if I hadn't pushed him to get a job pre uni he would literally not have a penny to his name right now.

He now needs to secure accommodation for next year and his loan no where near covers the cost of this, he has just this week secured a job (hooray), I'm really pleased but he is point blank refusing to send me part of his wages to save towards the astronomical rent next year (he says its embarrassing? I'm not sure who would know or why saving to ensure you can pay your rent is embarrassing). Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay. He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!

He will be earning more than double what I send him weekly now (out of his savings), so saving a portion of it will still see him much better off than he is at the moment whilst ensuring his rent will get paid. He tells me he will save it but I just don't believe he has the will power to do so speaking from experience!

we are kind of at a stalemate at the moment and both likely feeling a bit blackmailed by the other

YANBU - I should trust that he will save it and sign as guarantor?

YABU - I should not sign until he agrees to send me a portion of his salary to save for rent. If he refuses let him quit.

He appears to be absolutely loving it, so I do think he would agree eventually but equally like others have suggested I don't want to be micromanaging him but I do realise he's pretty crap with money but he needs to learn not to be! if the worst came to the worst I would have to whack it on a credit card which I can do but I'm very much reluctant to get into debt when I know with what he is earning plus his loan he can cover this no problem and have money to live off if he puts some away each week now.

I understand your reluctance but he's an adult and needs to take personal responsibility himself not having his mum save for him. He'll need to work all summer too

If the OPs son is getting the minimum student loan then the minimum parental contribution the government is expecting op to give is £5k!

I doubt this kid is that bad with money. He is surviving on nothing. Jobs around uni hours and close to the accomodation aren't that easy to get, there's usually a lot of applicants.

OP the government are expecting you to make up the £5k difference. I'm not saying the current system is right or fair but it's also not his fault.

A guarantor guarantees the loan. If you can't guarantee it from your own money, then you can't be a guarantor. It's madness to rely on someone else to supply the money without you being able to cover a shortfall.

I have had a change of heart now you have updated as your DS decided to move out of home to study despite you explaining the financial situation. We are in a similar position of finally earning decent money living hand to mouth for years, so I do understand.

If you dont want him to drop out you will have to be guarantor. Do you really think he would default? As I mentioned above my DS is crap with money, although he voluntarily sends me his wages and asks me to send it as and when.

Would this work? Add up the loan he receives, what is left of his savings, the amount you can help with each month and then work out the short fall for rent and DS agrees to provide that from his wages/summer work. Then this pot is used for rent and if DS buys new trainers and goes hungry, its not a massive problem and he learns a lesson.

My DS asked his letting agent to take the rent in 3 payments at the start of each term to coincide with loan payments, then he knows he has paid his rent and doesnt have to worry.

For all those having a dig at OP not ‘supporting’ her child as she apparently should given the household income. Perhaps take a moment to step outside if your lived experiences. I’ll give you a view into our household

Joint income 110k. Yet we cannot support our eldest by giving £500/month. Shocking right! Only difference is we didn’t earn this until the year before DC applied. For the past 18 years we have been on benefits at times, lived in HA accommodation and saved/saved/saved in order to buy a property that we then need to use any extra income to make it safe/comfortable for us all to live in. It wasn’t a choice not to save for our DCs it just wasn’t an option. Shocker, many many people struggle to save for long periods of time when they’re living hand to mouth.

before DC applied we had an honest conversation that they obviously would only get the minimum amount and they’d need to stay at home (where they live for free) and attend one closer to the city we live in. They were completely accepting of this as they appreciate we are only in the position we are in now due to great sacrifices not to mention hard work!!

DC worked from 16 and saved but actually could have got by with none of the loan as they have no costs other than travel that they pay for out of their wages, so it can be done!

This thread is mad and helps me understand why so many recent graduates we interview are unemployable and frankly, feckless.
OP don't let him hold you to ransom with threats about dropping out of Uni, this is his choice if he can't manage his money. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his own finances and actions. He should be treating you with more respect if he wants you to be his guarantor.

True, but he also needs to be responsible. I wouldn’t be keen to sign as guarantor for someone who is frivolous with money which means I will most likely have to bail him out and pay the rent.

So a compromise is to save the money for the rent somewhere his mother can keep an eye on so she is secure and the money goes directly for the rent simple.

I think the requirement for parents to top up student loans is completely ridiculous and doesn't foster independence.

If you dont want him to drop out you will have to be guarantor.

Why are people telling the OP she has to do this?

She doesn’t.

Plenty of parents don’t.

Her son can use one of the many student accommodation guarantor companies. Like this one.

In fact I think that’s the best solution all round OP. It takes the heat and emotion out of the whole situation. He’s sure he can and will cover his rent, there’ll be no issue with him using a professional company to guarantee it, and you won’t need to interfere in his finances going forward.

He’s a big boy now, 20 years old, he can sort this all by himself.

Ds is thousands short of the income he should have as a student because his parents haven't done their bit as expected by the government.

It doesn't sound well thought out by anyone but isn't just the son's fault. Can OP pay the rent using the student loan? This would reduce the risk of being a guarantor, which is expected nowadays for student accommodation.

And to add to my post, if he insists he wants to drop out if you don’t act as guarantor then that’s his decision and he will need to get a job and contribute to the house expenses (which he is obviously too lazy to do). He has 2 options stay in Uni and be more responsible or drop out and find a job and pay rent etc at home if not he can move out.

I agree.
Which means OP has to give him the chance to show he can, and not insist on him paying all his money to her!

Thanks @BlahBlahBlah098 I wished I lived in this ideological world some of these posters describe!

Yep. So many people have said "he's bad with money" and yet he's surviving on a minimum loan that just covers his hall fees, money he's earned and occasional food parcels from his parents. He doesn't have any money to be bad with!

Anyway, this feels like a whole non-problem. I don't know how much DS's "exorbitant" rent is, but I doubt it's more than his student loan with the cost of the food that his parents are sending him added on. So they can send him that money as a lump sum instead and he can pay a term's worth of rent in one go. Then if he doesn't have any money left, it will be him struggling to eat, not OP having to cover his rent.

This.

If he can't see the value of Uni and is not prepared to work with you on it, let HIM make the decision to opt out.

No way would I be held to ransom like this.

Tell him you acceptvthis decision.

which is why I posted to get other peoples opinions, equally its not all his money at all

Do not sign as a guarantor if you cannot easily pay his whole rent and then some.

Getting a tattoo after you’ve told him the way it is would have been the absolute last straw for me. Tough love, OP. Its the only way.

Let him get into trouble and drop out. If he learns his lesson he can go back next year.

Yet he is expecting me to sign as a guarantor for this rent which if he defaults on I just cannot afford to pay.
Expecting you to sign? Seems very entitled.

He has since said if I don't sign he will have to drop out!
Emotional blackmail.

You've got 2 choices don't sign and you won't be held responsible.

Sign and hope he respects you enough to not get you into debt by paying the rent on time.

He is 20
Stop giving him his pocket money
He needs to learn himself to manage the loans

But the loans aren't enough to cover his rent because he only has the minimum because of expected parental contribution.

I do think the only solution in this particular case is that he pays the loan directly to you and you pay the rent

You have to pay those agencies and it isn't cheap.

@BlahBlahBlah098

I assume you've asked to be assessed on your income the year before last? That would mean your dc would get the full loan.

You should be very wary of being "guarantor" for student accommodation. Usually if any one of the student flat share defaults (or gets thrown out of uni) , the rent guarantors are lumbered with debts for someone elses offspring. >

<www.theguardian.com/education/2015/jan/20/student-housing-what-you-need-to-know-as-a-guarantor>

Your son needs a kick up the financial arse. Better to do it now , to save worse pain later.

You think OP should take the contribution she should be giving him and isn't, plus his loan, and leave him to rely on his mother giving it back in bits? I wouldn't. Poor kid.