To not allow BIL unsupervised access to my DS

[Hennyspennies]

I am seeking advice on this as I want to be sure I am doing the right thing by my DS and not for selfish reasons.

Warning : May be triggering, mentions sexual assault.

Back story - Strained relationship with BIL for the past 7 years. This was due to a breakdown in family relationships after BIL's DD sexually molested my DS. She was 11, DS was 1. My DS doesn't remember this, as he was unable to talk, we never found out what fully happened.

I believe there was no real responsibility taken, other than a quick sorry from my S & BIL when the incident happened. DN never spoke to me about it, or said sorry.
I believed DN needed help (another red flag incident when she was 6) but as far as I know never received any. It was swept under the rug.

Family were expected to get on as normal. My parents expected everyone to meet up as usual with no safeguarding issues re the kids or respect for my families difficult feelings at this time.
Things were strained.

I tried to speak with them about our feelings and concerns respectfully but nothing changed so I kept my distance.

Fast forward 7 years. My S & BIL have been in our lives on and off more frequently. Months in-between visits (they live near by). I still feel uncomfortable in their presence as they I've noticed they usually spend time with us when they want something.

My DS is really into football at the moment and BIL coaches a local kids team. Without asking me or my DH he told my son that he would take him to see football matches, teach him how to play etc. Has already bought him a football shirt.

Since BIL hasn't been involved in my DS life much and because of failure to safeguard him in the past, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my DS going anywhere with him unsupervised. This applies to my S too. My DH agrees with me.

DS was super excited his U wanted to to all this with him of course. However, he is unaware of what happened when he was younger.

I felt it appropriate to agree to football trips and training so long as myself or DH are present. AIBU?

BIL keeps pushing for alone time with my DS. (He has 4 DD so appreciates my DS love of football).

I also have 2 older DD which he shows little interest in.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

YANBU. Anyone "pushing" for alone time with a child would make me think twice tbh. I have two kids and a big family and have NEVER been pressured or pushed into alone time with them.

Really can't comment on the specific circumstances and no way of knowing what happened based on what you have shared. But when it comes to your kids, always trust your gut.

Your BIL doesn't get to indulge himself with a boy relative just because he only has girls and it's not your job to enable your son to take on that role. You don't have to be specific about why you are saying no to these outings, just thanks, but that doesn't work for us will do.

I can see why it feels tricky though, best of luck.

I wouldn’t even be doing supervised football training/trips if I had any concerns the adult, whether they were a family member or not.

Alarm bells are ringing when reading your post; I wouldn’t let your DS anywhere near him.

Alone time? I would keep your children as far away a possible from your BIL.

It is incredibly rare for a female child to sexually abuse another child just out of the blue.

The chances are that that child has been sexually abused herself.

Therefore the big question is - who are the likely suspects for sexually abusing your niece? Which males (because the vast vast majority of the time it is a male) spend the most time with her?

This is a long winded way of saying “no - I definitely don’t think that you should let your child be unsupervised with your brother in law”.

You also have to wonder WHY an 11 year old girl did something like that, raising further red flags. Trust your gut

Trust your gut, something isn't right. I'd also be worried about his DD

This. A child who is sexually abusing another child is likely to have been abused themselves.

I agree OP. I'd feel uncomfortable. As another PP has said 'that doesn't work for us at the moment but thanks'. And suggest you involve your DS in another team asap so BIL can't coerce further down the line.

Yanbu

I would not allow people on your side of the family to have unsupervised access since I would not trust them to invite your sister and BIL round.

I'd be extremely concerned about an 11yo molesting another child and would have flagged this to outside agencies so that she could be helped. I'd be extremely concerned about what her parents were doing to her behind closed doors and social services involvement would create a buffer meaning that my kids would be protected.

You've decided to allow access so make sure your h or you are always there and don't allow him to be on his own with your son. This may get harder as he gets older but I wouldn't be putting my child in that position however awkward it became.

So their dd is now 18? Is there anything about her interactions with her parents that looks iffy? But no, you are absolutely doing the right thing wrt your ds.

No, not a chance.

No from me. Get your son involved in a team that BIL has no involvement with, and supervise him yourself. Ask other parents at school - someone will recommend one. Make it clear what BIL has suggested isn’t happening.

I agree with others who say that he shouldn't have access to your DS. Is there another football club locally, with which BIL is not involved, that your DS could join?

We have a family member we won't leave DD unsupervised with - in this relatives case, she defended her ex-husband when he was convicted of viewing child abuse (child porn). It hasn't really come up, but I'd be quite willing to be as rude as necessary to protect DD. You need to do the same, I'm afraid.

I wouldn’t let him be alone in the same room as any child, not even for a minute. He could be perfectly innocent. It’s not worth ruining a child’s life for though.

I’d also give the NSPCC a ring and talk to them about what your DN did to your DS. Ask them for advice on what to do. It’s rare that a child would do something like that without having been exposed to abuse themselves. That this didn’t occur to your BiL, makes him pretty unsuitable to be involved in safeguarding any child, in my opinion.

YANBU X

There are plenty of ways your DS can enjoy and be involved in football that don't involve your BIL, do that instead and keep contact with BIL to an absolute (supervised) minimum. It's just not worth the risk where DC are concerned, their safety trumps everything and enough has happened/enough alarm bells are ringing that DS missing out on a few football matches etc or BIL/wider family taking offence because you avoid spending time with him just doesn't matter enough to risk it.

As @Nagado says - spot on

Simply organise ds footy elsewhere.. Just tell bil thanks but no thanks.
Hell I wouldn't even be seeing him at all never mind handing over a dc...

Don't let him anywhere near your son. Frankly he shouldn't be anywhere near any of the other kids in the football team given that at best he has minimised the abuse of a small child.

He's completely over stepping boundaries by getting your DS excited about the team, not to mention pushing for alone time. Even if this were innocent what is this teaching him about relationships with adults?

Look for another football team if he's interested

The 3% who think YABU need their hard drives checking

YANBU

I would be keeping ds away from them

I would also advise you to contact NSPCC for advice, a child abusing another child not just at age 11 but age 6 raising red flags is extremely concerning. This being swept under the carpet allows the cycle of abuse to continue

It's incredibly brazen of him to think you'd allow this given the history. I'm surprised you have anything to do with them.

Please take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Just the thought of him being around other children gives me the creeps.