To not allow BIL unsupervised access to my DS

[Hennyspennies]

I am seeking advice on this as I want to be sure I am doing the right thing by my DS and not for selfish reasons.

Warning : May be triggering, mentions sexual assault.

Back story - Strained relationship with BIL for the past 7 years. This was due to a breakdown in family relationships after BIL's DD sexually molested my DS. She was 11, DS was 1. My DS doesn't remember this, as he was unable to talk, we never found out what fully happened.

I believe there was no real responsibility taken, other than a quick sorry from my S & BIL when the incident happened. DN never spoke to me about it, or said sorry.
I believed DN needed help (another red flag incident when she was 6) but as far as I know never received any. It was swept under the rug.

Family were expected to get on as normal. My parents expected everyone to meet up as usual with no safeguarding issues re the kids or respect for my families difficult feelings at this time.
Things were strained.

I tried to speak with them about our feelings and concerns respectfully but nothing changed so I kept my distance.

Fast forward 7 years. My S & BIL have been in our lives on and off more frequently. Months in-between visits (they live near by). I still feel uncomfortable in their presence as they I've noticed they usually spend time with us when they want something.

My DS is really into football at the moment and BIL coaches a local kids team. Without asking me or my DH he told my son that he would take him to see football matches, teach him how to play etc. Has already bought him a football shirt.

Since BIL hasn't been involved in my DS life much and because of failure to safeguard him in the past, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my DS going anywhere with him unsupervised. This applies to my S too. My DH agrees with me.

DS was super excited his U wanted to to all this with him of course. However, he is unaware of what happened when he was younger.

I felt it appropriate to agree to football trips and training so long as myself or DH are present. AIBU?

BIL keeps pushing for alone time with my DS. (He has 4 DD so appreciates my DS love of football).

I also have 2 older DD which he shows little interest in.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

@NotQuiteHere
How did you know that something harmful happened to your son? Did the niece tell you about it?

Details I didn't want to include. Physical evidence.

BIL keeps pushing for alone time with my DS.

On three separate occasions. Telling my DS infront of me that he would take him to see football, train etc.
I told BIL by text when we could watch a football match together with my S and DH and other kids. He ignored this and text my husband to ask him if he could take him out for BIL's birthday night to local match. Other people would have been there. When I said alone I should have been clearer, I meant without us his parents.
Asked my sister to ask me too, re football training etc.

Without asking me or my DH he told my son that he would take him to see football matches, teach him how to play etc. Has already bought him a football shirt.

I felt this was manipulative. I would always ask a parent's permission before speaking to a child about taking them out or buying them something.

You're absolutely in the right OP and sounds like you're taking all the right steps.

I had a situation with my ex where one of her uncles had touched her sister when younger and I caught him appropriately touching her when she was in her early 20s. This was brushed under the carpet by the family (not my ex or her sister though) but I wouldn't let the kids be anywhere he would be (weddings and funerals mainly) without me being present. The behaviour you mentioned of your niece is is similar to my ex sister in law (except the becoming an abuser part - I think) who has been a bit of a car crash and it's clear whatever happened, and the brushing under the carpet had a huge impact on her and still does.

There was clearly a history of abuse taking place in your BILs family somewhere and if nothing else, keeping your children alway is absolutely the right thing to do. It's a cliche but 'better safe than sorry ' really does apply here.

I felt this was manipulative. I would always ask a parent's permission before speaking to a child about taking them out or buying them something.

It's VERY manipulative, and an attempt to drive wedge between you and your son. He will be (he hopes) the "cool" uncle who "understands" your DS and will try to form a "special bond" and treats him like someone who is old enough to make his own decisions. You will be the nasty mother and father who won't let your DS do anything and treat him like a child all the time.

Don't let him do this. Your BIL is poisonous! At best he will turn your child against you - at worst he will damage him irreparably.

I’m glad your DS has you to protect him 😊

Sexual acts in children (molesting others etc) is a red flag for her having been abused. Don't let your son near them alone.

I wouldn’t let my DS anywhere near the family again - supervised or unsupervised. The abuse would be the final time.

OP, trust your instinct. Where did an 11 year learn to sexually abuse other children? Was it reported to police or social services at the time?

You need to tell your DS that he must not, under any circumstances, go anywhere with his uncle, aunt or cousin without you or your DH there. Make sure he understands, even if they say it’s an emergency, don’t go.

Family feelings v risk to DS's safety?

Both you and your DH should tell BIL outright in no uncertain terms - he is to stop trying to arrange time with DS without you both being there. In fact he is to stay away. No more offers of treats or gifts.

You know he is very much overstepping the line, it's set off your radar and you should listen to your gut feeling that its a risk.

You and Your DH can take DS to football matches.

So true about the manipulation he’s already shown by telling your son first. The whole thing has red flags.

When my dc were very young I told them that good people never mind them checking with their mum first.
And baddies make fun of you or try to stop you checking with your mum.

It’s pretty simple but it has always held up.

It would be a flat no here.

This with bells on!!!!! My abuser was my step dad. He looked normal no one would ever have suspected anything. Please don't have anything to do with this man as much as will be the upset your son is the priority here. He's being groomed.

@WingingItSince1973 I am so sorry this happened to you. It is horrific and no child should ever have to endure it. Upsetting family is better than potentially having a child suffer abuse. The fact that the OP's extended family have brushed all of this under the carpet makes it even worse. It is almost a green light to the BIL. My Mum's best friend was a foster carer for physically and sexually abused children so as teenagers we saw first hand the damage done to these children. It haunts me. We also had to have guidance on what not to say and how to interact with these children and the boundaries. The OP's BIL gives me chills.

This exactly!
I would keep as far away from these people as you possibly can.

Do you never leave your dh alone with them?

Having thought about this more, enrol your ds with a different team. As your son gets older, you won't be able to supervise your son all of the time eg when he's in a changing room or when the coach may need to touch the player in order to guide or offer instruction.

If BIL coaches a football team then allow DS to go there but stay in the area (which I’m sure many parents do anyway).

Regardless of his behaviour or SA I think it’s really inappropriate to invite your DS anywhere without running it by you first.

It sounds as though you think BIL is a peado and therefore you are well within your rights to not want him alone with your child.

Please get advice (from the NSPCC anonymously, if you like) about whether to (and if so how to) report your concerns about your BIL's behaviour. If he is coaching a youth team then it is important any worrying behaviour is reported, as it may form part of a wider picture that shows someone is a risk.

Sexual abuse in children is learned behaviour. Behaviour I believe which can only be taught adults.

I agree.

It may not have been BIL or anyone in the family and it could have been a nursery or school worker but it’s shocking that SS wouldn’t investigate this.

Sounds a complex situation. Sounds like YANBU at all. You’re the parent - if you’re not comfortable it doesn’t happen. End of.

You are an excellent mum & 100% right to be concerned, do many red flags. Don't let anyone manipulate you into thinking otherwise. I wouldn't even be happy with supervised access. Even if he never harms your child, he has significant boundary issues.

Always trust your gut. BIL may not have been the one abusing DN, but if not then someone else in their network was and he allowed that to be brushed under the carpet and didn’t get appropriate help for his own daughter. I also would not leave your children unsupervised with any member of that extended family who knew what happened with your son and DN and were part of the group sweeping it under the carpet.

I read it as the OP's sister's husband

The more I think about this situation, the darker it seems.

It doesn’t make sense that BIL wants to spend quality ‘boy’ time with your DS at football because he has four DDs - as he is already a coach to a whole team of boys!

And your update with the way he’s gone about this is totally blatant. You and DH are very clearly excluded from the time he wants with DS. To the extent that he’s not even responding to you. It’s chilling.

I know it’s your sister, but the way her and BIL have behaved in the past and now, would make me struggle to want any contact with them. 🙁