To not allow BIL unsupervised access to my DS

[Hennyspennies]

I am seeking advice on this as I want to be sure I am doing the right thing by my DS and not for selfish reasons.

Warning : May be triggering, mentions sexual assault.

Back story - Strained relationship with BIL for the past 7 years. This was due to a breakdown in family relationships after BIL's DD sexually molested my DS. She was 11, DS was 1. My DS doesn't remember this, as he was unable to talk, we never found out what fully happened.

I believe there was no real responsibility taken, other than a quick sorry from my S & BIL when the incident happened. DN never spoke to me about it, or said sorry.
I believed DN needed help (another red flag incident when she was 6) but as far as I know never received any. It was swept under the rug.

Family were expected to get on as normal. My parents expected everyone to meet up as usual with no safeguarding issues re the kids or respect for my families difficult feelings at this time.
Things were strained.

I tried to speak with them about our feelings and concerns respectfully but nothing changed so I kept my distance.

Fast forward 7 years. My S & BIL have been in our lives on and off more frequently. Months in-between visits (they live near by). I still feel uncomfortable in their presence as they I've noticed they usually spend time with us when they want something.

My DS is really into football at the moment and BIL coaches a local kids team. Without asking me or my DH he told my son that he would take him to see football matches, teach him how to play etc. Has already bought him a football shirt.

Since BIL hasn't been involved in my DS life much and because of failure to safeguard him in the past, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my DS going anywhere with him unsupervised. This applies to my S too. My DH agrees with me.

DS was super excited his U wanted to to all this with him of course. However, he is unaware of what happened when he was younger.

I felt it appropriate to agree to football trips and training so long as myself or DH are present. AIBU?

BIL keeps pushing for alone time with my DS. (He has 4 DD so appreciates my DS love of football).

I also have 2 older DD which he shows little interest in.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

I would completely cut contact. We are no contact with all of dhs family for far lesser (but still justified) reasons.

@Invisiblewoman23

I wasn't go to comment but I feel I need to.

You won't let your husband's cousin have anything to do with your child because she sexually assaulted your husband? That is a good call.

However, your husband sexually assaulted his sister.

Why is he allowed access to your child? Is it because he's like, really, really sad about it?

You're blaming the cousin but your husband was just as guilty. The cousin learned the behaviour from somewhere in the same way your husband did.

It's your choice to stay with your husband but you are NOT keeping your child safe by letting a sex offender anywhere near him.

Read the replies to the OPs post and let them sink in.

OP. Do not let your child go with BIL. At the very, very least he is showing very questionable judgement. I would not like the secrecy and that would instantly be a red flag. Also agree with a previous poster that pushing for 1:1 time is concerning.

This with bells on .. I don't understand why you are having anything to do with any family member that has brushed this abuse under the carpet. And I would be living far, far away from them with zero contact.

BIL COACHES a children team with their family history?! That alone needs flagging. But no I wouldn’t be having a relationship with them in any capacity full stop.

Came on to say what everyone else has said. The niece was likely abused herself. Huge red flag wanting time with him alone. Fucking massive red flag glowing with fire.

Back away

No effing way OP. You stand your ground, and you stand it firm. I think they've all treated you and your DS appallingly, tbh - I am not sure I could have any relationship with them, and DEFINITELY would never allow them to be alone with my DS. They have zero safeguarding. You need to protect your DS, and put safeguarding into overdrive around them.

I'm surprised you still have contact. This would be a firm no from me. I am suspicious he wants alone time your son, he coaches on a football and his daughter is a perpetrator. Additionally, there has been social services involvement. This would be a firm no from me as he could be a perpetrator.

to be honest, even without the abuse I would have said YANBU on the basis that it's not fair for only 1 child to be treated by a family member and the others excluded just because of their sex.

I think it's really very worrying that he's trying SO HARD to get unsupervised access to your child and I would not let him anywhere near.

Men can abuse children in a room full of people. This man should not be within touching distance of your child ever.

I wouldn't be letting my child anywhere near any of them OP. To be honest I'd go fully NC with the lot of them. Something extremely fishy going on for an 11 year-old girl to sexually abuse a 1 year old. The fact the family glossed over it is a huge red flag.

I don’t think an eleven year old girl would become a sexual predator for no reason. Keep your child the hell away and if you haven’t alerted social services, please do.

Agree 100%.

A sad but logical thought process at work here, I'm inclined to agree with this you.

Not in a month of Sundays would he or anyone else in that part of the family have any contact with me or any other child that I was responsible for! Never ever! No matter how much time had past or even if the did apologise, safeguarding children must always trump everything else.

Why is he pushing for ‘alone time’ with DS now ? His daughter is 18 now, yes ? And your DS is, what 8-9 ?

Your DN is likely to have been a victim of abuse herself if she assaulted your DS like this, and I’m sorry but your BIL could be in the frame. At 18 she’s likely too old to be of interest to him, but if the earlier incident with DN is anything to go by, your DS is in the right age range.

I’m with others on here - I think you need to contact the NSPCC and ask for advice because if my suspicions and those of a lot of others on here is correct, your brother in law shouldn’t be anywhere near your DS, or any other child for that matter, so what about his involvement with the children’s football team ?

I’m so sorry about this whole situation. Definitely do not give him access to your son. I felt I just had to ask though, you say you found out because of the physical evidence. Do you have any proof/the word of your DN that it definitely was her, or was this explanation given to you by your BIL? X

This really stood out to me too. Your husband sexually assaulted his direct blood relative, a little girl who is physically weaker. And you’re okay letting your child/ren alone with him knowing this? How do you not see how they are being endangered.

As well as you and your DH saying no, I think you should make sure that any adult who has contact with your DS knows why you have these boundaries with his uncle because he could charm and mislead adults, who could unwittingly allow him to take DS somewhere.

Any adult that ignores a parent’s wishes about their child is an automatic Red Flag. Don’t second guess yourself just because someone you don’t even trust tries to guilt you.

I am also concerned he has access to other kids on this team.

What’s your sisters take on all this?

im sorry but in your shoes I would be calling the police and telling them absolutely everything. From the DN to BIL. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree clearly. He is giving you every red light going. It needs going on files and social services looking into it. He shouldn’t be Working with kids.

I'd say the time has come where you have to explain to your son that there are some adults in the family that he should not consider to be safe adults. That is your sister her husband and the now grown up cousin. He doesn't need to be told why but he does need to know that you do not consider them as one of the adults he can trust.

I think that your son is in an incredibly vulnerable situation.

I’d be concerned about who had groomed your DN. Obviously all the adults in her life have failed her up until now, including you. Why on earth wouldn’t you do something now, pay for her therapy, find out what actually happened when she is ready to talk?

Until then, I would think all adults who had access to her would be under suspicion- this would include your parents/grandparents and your husband too.

No. Absolutely not.
I upset family members by having similar, slightly more extreme, boundaries.
I can live with that.

I couldn’t live with the alternative.

So many red flags here.

Children should always be protected from abusers and enablers. Whether BIL abused his daughter or not, he didn’t get her help and has rugswept her abuse of your son. He and your sister are not safe people to have in your children’s lives, supervised or not. You and your DH need to cut ties with them for the sake of your kids. I would tell your sister that it has always bothered you how they handled their daughter abusing your son and that you can no longer maintain a relationship with them. It will most likely cause problems with other extended family, but the wellbeing of your children needs to take precedence. Put your efforts into relationships with friends, parents of your children’s friends, and relatives who don’t condone/excuse abuse.

No adult should ever offer outings, visits, training sessions, etc… to someone else’s child without first getting permission from the parents. Even for people who aren’t abusers, this is a form of manipulation that is geared to pressure that parents into agreeing or risk being at odds with their child. We have a rule that any request that isn’t first cleared with us privately is an automatic no. Everyone knows that they ask us first for anything pertaining to our children and can only mention it to or in front of our children after we have agreed. Our children know this policy and why, so there aren’t any misunderstandings when someone violates it and are told no.

Favoritism is always damaging. For him to focus his efforts on the boy while practically ignoring the girls is wrong. It will harm the relationships between your son and daughters and will make your daughters feel less than. This shouldn’t be an issue in the future because S and BIL should never be around your children.

I think you need to find a family therapist or child psychologist who can help you and DH communicate what happened to your son in an age appropriate way to all of your children. They need to know why S, BIL and their children aren’t safe to be around and they need a safe place to process everything and a professional who can help you all deal with the aftermath, including the potential drama with your extended family.