To not allow BIL unsupervised access to my DS

[Hennyspennies]

I am seeking advice on this as I want to be sure I am doing the right thing by my DS and not for selfish reasons.

Warning : May be triggering, mentions sexual assault.

Back story - Strained relationship with BIL for the past 7 years. This was due to a breakdown in family relationships after BIL's DD sexually molested my DS. She was 11, DS was 1. My DS doesn't remember this, as he was unable to talk, we never found out what fully happened.

I believe there was no real responsibility taken, other than a quick sorry from my S & BIL when the incident happened. DN never spoke to me about it, or said sorry.
I believed DN needed help (another red flag incident when she was 6) but as far as I know never received any. It was swept under the rug.

Family were expected to get on as normal. My parents expected everyone to meet up as usual with no safeguarding issues re the kids or respect for my families difficult feelings at this time.
Things were strained.

I tried to speak with them about our feelings and concerns respectfully but nothing changed so I kept my distance.

Fast forward 7 years. My S & BIL have been in our lives on and off more frequently. Months in-between visits (they live near by). I still feel uncomfortable in their presence as they I've noticed they usually spend time with us when they want something.

My DS is really into football at the moment and BIL coaches a local kids team. Without asking me or my DH he told my son that he would take him to see football matches, teach him how to play etc. Has already bought him a football shirt.

Since BIL hasn't been involved in my DS life much and because of failure to safeguard him in the past, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my DS going anywhere with him unsupervised. This applies to my S too. My DH agrees with me.

DS was super excited his U wanted to to all this with him of course. However, he is unaware of what happened when he was younger.

I felt it appropriate to agree to football trips and training so long as myself or DH are present. AIBU?

BIL keeps pushing for alone time with my DS. (He has 4 DD so appreciates my DS love of football).

I also have 2 older DD which he shows little interest in.

Any advice or thoughts welcome.

Nope no way. Its weird he wants alone time. I'd also be wondering where the girl learned the sexualised behaviour. I'd be very very worried the parents have ignored it in that way.

I wouldn’t let him anywhere near any child of mine.
I’m also very concerned about the children he’s coaching as well as your poor niece who I believe has probably been abused.
Is it an organisation that he is volunteering/working for.
I think I would be raising my concerns with them.
The fact that family might think me the black sheep or anything else would be the very least of my worries. You can protect your son.
Please consider helping another young person by raising it with whoever is necessary.

So many red flags and previous SA from their DD and you’re still allowing any kind of access?!!!

I’m utterly baffled. Can’t actually believe you’d continue contact in any way shape or form!!

Something similar happened to a family I know. Boy aged under 8 did something to a girl aged under 6. Parents of boy dismissed it as a misunderstanding. There's no way it could have been. Later transpired that boy had been exposed repeatedly to graphic images by another person who was grooming him.

I don't think kids that young do these things unless there's something badly wrong in their lives. I think you're being very wise in maintaining this distance.

I think I’d retrospectively report the niece again to the police. She needs an opportunity to explain what’s happened to her.

I wouldn't have had anything to do with S or BIL after the incident when your DS was 1. Can't believe you carried on contact after your DS was abused and no one even acknowledged it never mind did anything about it.

I agree that your DS needs to know that these people are unsafe. It's up to you what you tell him but you need to keep him safe.

no. no fucking way. I would not even let BIL/SIL around your child. Chances are she has been sexually abused herself.

No no and no. trust your gut - that instinct is never wrong!

Every other comment is correct

Not even supervised access. After a few months of everything being all innocent, he could groom you to make you feel you’re being silly to tag along. Also what happens when DC is a bit older and starts asking to go with the cool uncle alone?

Either you or DH should start taking your DS to football or sign him up with another kids team.

OP why do you say family is everything to you?

Your sister and her husband have not kept their daughter safe, what happened to her? She abused your child. She is now having issues and is in trouble. For some weird reason the husband is now trying to manipulate you into having your ds on his own. And your parents gloss over it all and you are made to feel like the black sheep. Fuck that. I'd be keeping them at a distance Is your DH's family better? Spend more time with them, or find good friends to have in your life.

Thank you @fruitbrewhaha , you have said what was in my head but I couldn't quite articulate.
OP, you say family is everything to you but your family have shown by their words and their actions that they don't put the welfare of your child (or indeed your DN) top of their priorities.

I'd be interested to hear your husband's view on your family dynamics. I'd put money on it being slightly (or very) fucked up.

My thoughts?

Your BIL is trying go get alone time with your son by bypassing you. His behaviour is predatory and it seems like he is grooming your son.

Frankly, I’m so mad at you for allowing any contact between your BIL and son. It is very clear your niece was exposed to sexual behaviour and went on to assault your son and you didn’t call the police.

You’re allowing the cycle of abuse to continue by even maintaining any sort of relationship with your sister and BIL.

Something happened to your niece and there’s no way in hell I would have contact with anyone in that family or associated with that family.

Exactly. This family is necrotic. The OP is complicit in this. She should be no contact. It should have never even gotten this far. The OP shouldn’t have allowed that family anywhere near her son - supervised or not.

not unreasonable at all

I wouldnt allow DD to be around her uncle/my BIL alone over an accusation when he was younger
There was always a seed of doubt and that was enough for me to say no
Not worth the risk

All of this.
I feel so sorry for your dn too as she us clearly now acting as a traumatised person would.whst she might hVe gone through.jeez.

Please keep your family away from theirs. Even your sis.they are complicit in their silence.

Having anything at all to do with BIL sends your DS the message he is a safe adult. In light of what you've said, sending your son this message is not a good idea

You have a duty to protect your son from your family. The only way to do this is to cut contact, it’s difficult as it’s your sister but your son must come first. I’m shocked that you didn’t do it years ago.