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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

329 replies

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 06:58

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

OP posts:
Hermanfromguesswho · 23/01/2023 07:00

Could dh take the baby and you stay home with ds?

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 07:02

It’s her choice but then it’s equally your choice to go or not go to the dinner; I don’t think she should have to make it lunch just to accommodate you tbh.

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/01/2023 07:03

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 07:02

It’s her choice but then it’s equally your choice to go or not go to the dinner; I don’t think she should have to make it lunch just to accommodate you tbh.

Yep, agree with this. You're making your MILs birthday all about your son.

jemimafuddleduck · 23/01/2023 07:04

Your childcare issues are not other people's problem. I think YABU, they can hold the celebration for their birthday whenever they like.
Is there anyone else who could look after / babysit DS if you really want to go?

PathOfLeastResitance · 23/01/2023 07:05

I think it’s her birthday and she can choose when she has her birthday meal. why should this revolve around your children?

Original poster
TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 07:05

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

OP posts:
Grumpybutfunny · 23/01/2023 07:05

Could you not go for the meal and let DS fall asleep in the car on the way back. I've always gambled with routines to have a social life so I don't think I would move my birthday

Sussexlass84 · 23/01/2023 07:07

Yanbu...from your OP it's clear it's about more than a meal. You'll probably get more understanding responses in the special needs section though...unless people have dealt with a child with additional needs they just won't get it.

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 07:07

YABU. People shouldn’t have to fit their plans around your child’s bedtimes.
You either change the bedtime as a one off or suck it up and don’t go.

AutisticLegoLover · 23/01/2023 07:07

I'd be pissed out with eh if he was leaving me on my own with a high needs child and a young baby. I hope you get to go out and relax while she juggles the dc at bedtime in return? Routine is so important to children with autism and it's not like you could take him and hope he sleeps on the way back after the meal. I imagine the meltdown would be horrendous for you all. I don't have any solutions to offer but I hope you get things sortedFlowers

FlounderingFruitcake · 23/01/2023 07:07

Sounds like there’s bigger issues with MIL but she’s allowed to have her birthday dinner at a time that suits her and shouldn’t be expected to move everything really early to accommodate a child. Could DH not take the baby with him and they sleep in the car seat/the pram? At 3 months babies tend to be pretty portable.

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 07:07

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 07:05

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

Well he probably should try to go to his mothers birthday meal. 🤷‍♀️

And no, an adult does not need to plan their birthday dinner around a child’s bedtime.

Andrelaxzz · 23/01/2023 07:07

I have birthday meals with no kids as it's so awful eating out with small children, with or without SEN. It becomes all about the children and managing their behaviour. Conversation is rubbish, one of them gets bored/upset much better when older.

Passportpondery · 23/01/2023 07:08

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 07:05

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

But he should go. It’s a special birthday and a one off.

I appreciate it must be really hard for you, but you can’t expect both parents to stay home every single evening to help with bedtime.

Do you have a friend or family that can come over to help you with bedtime?

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 23/01/2023 07:08

Agree that DH goes but takes the baby.

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 07:08

Who is this meal for? Mostly family? On one hand, they are entitled to have the meal whenever suits them. They may want a more grown up evening rather than a child focused lunch, and that's OK.

On the other hand, if it was that important their son comes, they should consider what might work. My parents arranged an anniversary lunch to accommodate their grandchildren. Your bedtimes sound tricky and they either don't understand or don't really care.

AutisticLegoLover · 23/01/2023 07:08

Sorry for the typos above, I'm not fully awake.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/01/2023 07:09

Sussexlass84 · 23/01/2023 07:07

Yanbu...from your OP it's clear it's about more than a meal. You'll probably get more understanding responses in the special needs section though...unless people have dealt with a child with additional needs they just won't get it.

Exactly.

In usual circumstances, no, MIL doesn't have to make her birthday plans around children's routines.

But OP has explained it's about more than that, and due to her DS's needs, it's not as easy as getting a babysitter or bringing DS along as it affects his routine.

If MIL had planned another celebration that included everyone it would be different.

Mamoun · 23/01/2023 07:09

YABU
It's her birthday. She's the priority, not'your children's bedtime.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/01/2023 07:10

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 07:07

YABU. People shouldn’t have to fit their plans around your child’s bedtimes.
You either change the bedtime as a one off or suck it up and don’t go.

Are you unable to read the part about OP's DS being autistic and having particular requirements around bedtime?

It's not just 'a bedtime routine'

RedHelenB · 23/01/2023 07:10

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 07:05

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

But there's no reason he can't go is there?

ZekeZeke · 23/01/2023 07:10

You are 100% being unreasonable.
This is your MIL birthday, she wants to go for an evening meal. She doesn't need to fit this around you or your DS.
DH should go alone, have a nice time without feeling guilty.
Stop making it about you.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 23/01/2023 07:10

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 07:05

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

Of course he should go. It's his mums birthday.

As you know well in advance, you can arrange for someone to come and help you for the evening, or he could take the baby with him if you're not breastfeeding.

Your MIL shouldn't have to plan her birthday dinner around her grandchildren's bedtime.

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 07:10

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 23/01/2023 07:08

Agree that DH goes but takes the baby.

This presumably depends on whether the baby takes a bottle. Neither of mine did at 3m.

nurseynursery · 23/01/2023 07:11

It's a shame she didn't try to accommodate your son but it's not her fault she wants a meal at a proper meal time. I don't think it's a sustainable long-term plan if neither of you can ever be out on the evening. I understand it will be a hard night for you but your husband should probably go. Is taking the baby an option?