To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

We have a son with complex autism and learning difficulties. To be honest I’d be pleased she wasn’t expecting him to go! It doesn’t sound like he’d enjoy it at all and surely you’d just be stressed trying to entertain him. Far better for your dh to just go alone. I don’t even see it from your perspective at all - I’m literally thinking of what would be best for your dc. Yeah it will be difficult looking after them both on your own for a few hours but it’s a once a year thing.

Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them. Emotional blackmail and tantrums? And she’s not been very interested in your autistic son before due to his behaviour? What a load of cunts.

They wouldn’t be seeing my children ever! And your husband is going to a meal with these people, for this woman who has had little interest in his child?Fuck that.

6pm is already very early for a celebration dinner I feel, so wonder if, when planning it, they think that's it's all ready been brought back to make it easier for you to go. For an evening meal out we normally wouldn't be considering booking much before 7:30pm as it is, and this is 1.5 hours earlier.

If you want to attend, could you book rooms somewhere nearby, or can your ds not stay away overnight?
This would mean that maybe you could go, but then you take ds back to sleep once he became unsettled. You could possibly both nip out and do bedtime, and then your dh go back for the rest of the evening to his mum's birthday party. It may mean missing dessert, but might be a compromise.

I think you (as in DH) need to clarify whether or not the meal is supposed to be child free or not. If it's child free then you have your answer and you will just have to muddle through alone. If the Dc are invited, then go. Plan for the worst and hope it won't be so bad.

It is so easy to get stuck in the trap of always sticking to a bedtime routine and I'm not sure that long term, it's best for the child. It doesn't hurt to show DC that it can change and it's not the end of the world. Yes, it's a hassle and far more work for you, but it is part of integrating into wider family life.

A meal out that starts at 6pm is hardly small child friendly anyway, this doesn’t sound like it’s specifically excluding your children only, just small children in general.My NT child wouldn’t be able to attend because of bedtime. And that’s fine, not everyone wants children at their celebrations.

I wouldn’t want my husband to miss his mother’s birthday, however if she is doing this she needs to understand it’s difficult for him to attend. Is it emotional blackmail or is it a mam wanting to see her son? Do you often miss things? Is she getting frustrated at your lack of effort?

The exclusion of the autistic child outside of this occasion is the biggest issue. Why would you even want your child around people whom don’t care for him?

It's not emotional blackmail to get upset because your son can't or won't attend your birthday meal.

It's one day a year that everyone knows about well in advance, it's not like it's a last minute stag do abroad for a week.

I would suck up a crappy one-off bedtime and expect DH to do the same for me when it was my mum's birthday.

What time would you want her to book an evening meal at? YABVU to think that people should plan meals around your kids bed times. Does bed time have to be so extremely rigid? As a one off special event could there not be some give? You all won't have been excluded, you are just excluding yourselves because you don't want to budge on bed times.

365 nights a year are you both there to run the bed time routine at 7:30pm? That sounds pretty horrendous if so, literally neither of you ever being allowed a life outside of home?

Your MIL doesn't want your DS to go - if she did she would have organised a lunch (this is what my DM and MIL would do if they wanted the GC there).

If it's not manageable for you to do bedtime on your own then your DH can't go and your MIL needs to accept that by choosing a child free meal her DS cannot attend. Could you all visit in the daytime instead?

It sounds from your post that MIL doesn't like/isn't interested in her GDS because of his special needs?

It is so easy to get stuck in the trap of always sticking to a bedtime routine and I'm not sure that long term, it's best for the child. It doesn't hurt to show DC that it can change and it's not the end of the world.
People really have no fucking clue when it comes to ND children do they….

If I wanted a birthday meal with all my family I absolutely would accommodate children.

We had FIL birthday meal a few weekends ago and it was at 2pm so his grandchildren could go.

Shes clearly not fussed, which is a shame.

But your husband should be putting his children's needs first and should just explain to MIL why he can't go.

It’s annoying that the meal is at an inconvenient time for your family and it sounds like you have a really difficult time with bedtimes. But I don’t think you should expect the extended family to organise itself around your needs and I don’t think you should try and stop your husband from attending a family birthday. Get a babysitter to help with the baby?

Agree that it's up to MIL what time she has her birthday celebration but by the same token it's up to her son whether he attends or not.
Just right now at this time in your lives it is not possible for either of you to be available in the evening. Your DH needs to tell his family this and refuse to listen to any tantrums from any of them about it.
It's simple really.

I agree with this, I don't think it's a vile comment either. OP she has a right to celebrate her birthday how she wants, it's not about your child.

It's a one off special meal that you presumably knew was coming up ? Therefore either get a close friend or perhaps one of your parents if they live nearby or failing those options hire someone to assist you for the few hours of bedtime routine /or evening whilst your DH is out.

Unless you are the only guests which from our post I don't think is the case I don't think your MIL has dove anything wrong - it's her birthday and she has arranged what she would like do do and when (it her DH has arranged something celebratory for her)

I agree with you. She shouldn't have a birthday evening meal. Selfish.

Please try to stop focusing on what you think your in-laws should do. A lot of prople would not think that a lunchtime dinner out is anywhere as celebratory as an evening one, and I hope no-one wants to derail this by making that into a discussion.

@TinkerBeee I am not going to say that

"you have a husband problem rather than an in-law one"

But this is something that you and your DH need to, and can solve. Either he doesn't go at all, because it doesn't fit in with your family's routine - imo he should definitely not go to the dinner without you, so if you have no-one to babysit both of your DC (in exactly the same way that you and your DH do it) then neither of you should go - or, if you can afford it, you all stay near to the venue (or even at it, if it is in a hotel), and you all go to the dinner, hoping that one night won't disrupt your routine too much (I wouldn't have suggested this in the days when smoking was still allowed inside public buildings).

I think that if you were to do my second suggestion, then you both should just assume that you are all invited to the dinner, and let your in-laws know what is happening. If they then tell you (either of you) that they don't want young children there, then you should both decline the invitation completely. Your husband may be hurt by his parents attitude, but I would be very hurt and upset if my husband had gone to anything at my young children's bedtime if it took both of us to put them to bed, and there were no suitable alternatives.

As parents, most of us have to make many sacrifices, especially when our DC are young, some of them may only be relatively small ones, as in your/your husbands potential case here, and some may be huge sacrifices. This is something that everyone who decides to have a child needs to realise - along, of course, with many other things as well - so hopefully your DH won't be too put out if his parents say no, and he therefore has to stay at home.

OP I’d be upset too, at the lack of care and warmth shown towards my little family unit. My parents and PIL would always put the children foremost at their birthday celebrations, including my nephew with special needs.

I expect that your MIL’s lack of understanding of the impact of dh being absent for bedtime is really hurtful, as it shows she doesn’t have a clue about your everyday lives.

Hope you’re ok 💐

I’d get the older child used to having the younger one in the room for bedtime- a bedtime routine that requires 2 adults every time is not sustainable.
If there is not enough time to establish a new routine before the event, then either DH takes the baby and you stay at home with the older child, or you all go , having prepared DS in advance as far as possible, and hope for the best.
if you don’t go, explain why and take MiL out for lunch at a time and place convenient for you.
Dont make DH miss the event though.

I'm sorry but I don't think she's doing anything wrong.

Can you and your DH take them out to lunch?

What other family members has she invited? Are there other young children going? Occasionally my brother, sister and I go out for a meal with my mum and leave other halves and children at home. It makes a nice change to have an adult trip out together.

It's not about you or your son OP, stop making it all about you.

YABU to expect her to alter the time to suit you.
YANBU not to go. I missed out on loads of events when autistic DS was little. It's just how it was. I also got the emotional blackmail attempts from DM but it just wasn't possible for DS to cope with most things.
It's got better as he got older and now we go to everything.

Could DH go with the 3 month old?

I agree with this. I wouldnt expect someone to plan their birthday around any child or baby. Its their birthday and they can do what they like to celebrate it. By that rationale, you could argue someone is selfish if they dont want to hold their adult birthday in a soft play centre. If you cant go then you cant go.

The issues with MIL not paying attention to your child is a separate issue and I agree thats upsetting/hurtful and I think a quiet word with your husband would be in order.

DH should go and for for one night you'll have to work it out and manage. What would you do if something happened to your DH and he wasnt there anymore?

I think there's a difference between what is technically reasonable and what's nice to do.

It would have been nicer for her to have chosen a lunch which enabled your son to attend. In a close, easygoing family this is what you'd expect.

OP I would send DH with the baby