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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

329 replies

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 06:58

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

OP posts:
Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 23/01/2023 08:15

Everyone is being unreasonable.

You for expecting your Mil to plan around your child, and your husbands family for throwing babyish tantrums. Sounds very entitled all round.

Sallyh87 · 23/01/2023 08:15

I think YABU as he is invited and so are you, it just doesn’t work for you.

Could you push bed time by 1 Hr for DS? If not, do you have anyone else that could help with the baby for a couple of hours. Last resort is your DH simply says it doesn’t work.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/01/2023 08:15

Maybe other people are at work during the day, so evening is more convenient for the majority.

Bananaramad · 23/01/2023 08:16

Can you get a baby sitter for your baby and you look after 5 year old.
Of course DH goes to his mother's 60th.

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 08:16

YABU

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/01/2023 08:16

FranticHare · 23/01/2023 07:52

Think it’s a massive shame MIL cares so little for her own grand child she’s excluding them from her birthday celebrations. I too would be pretty upset if my MIL did that.

If it was a more distant relative or friend, I’d probably shrug, sigh, and get on with life. The kid probably gets excluded from enough being SEN, but when his own grandparent exclude/ignores him - that’s pretty mean. I know where my priorities would be in the future.

You can be a pretty doting granny and still not want every one of your personal celebrations to be tailored to suit your grandchildren. You don't stop existing as a person just because your children have children.

OhmygodDont · 23/01/2023 08:17

I think she’s tried to make it as early as possible for an actual dinner meal. You are invited it’s just not your preferred time.

I get that it’s hard but other posters are right there is routine and then there is a routine that completely controls your life and this won’t work as your baby gets bigger either. You do need to start flexing bedtime and how you get them comfortable to sleep/be left to sleep.

With this current routine you are completely buggered should something happen to either you or dh meaning one of you isn’t there or if he left.

Clymene · 23/01/2023 08:18

I'm afraid that a lot of people have very limited understanding of parenting an autistic child and many of them are on this thread.

I would also be hurt OP - my family have always bent over backwards to ensure that my autistic child is included because to them a family celebration is about including the whole family, not just the convenient ones.

If I were your husband, I'd say none of you can come.

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 08:18

if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.

No that’s literally not a thing.
Adults who don’t have young kids are allowed to do things in the evening like a birthday dinner.
You’re being ridiculous and unreasonable.
The world doesn’t revolve around you and your childrens bedtimes

FranticHare · 23/01/2023 08:19

Untitledsquatboulder · 23/01/2023 08:16

You can be a pretty doting granny and still not want every one of your personal celebrations to be tailored to suit your grandchildren. You don't stop existing as a person just because your children have children.

Show quote history

Maybe not. No one HAS to do anything. I would still be upset though.

Also sounds like not a particularly doting granny from OP’s posts, so guessing this is the icing on the cake.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 08:19

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 08:14

“Emotional blackmail and tantrums” is just OP’s words. I expect the truth would be more like a family member expressing some disappointment, which is not unreasonable. Surely most people would express some disappointment if a close family member like a son, could not attend a birthday dinner. You language over this is pretty vile.

Show quote history

Good point, has DH had to cancel many family occasions or events for bedtime? When was the last time he/you went to a family celebration?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2023 08:20

I agree with the poster above who said that neither of you ever going out over bedtime isn't sustainable. You will end up hating each other and life. As hard as it might be, it's imperative you both get a chance for a bit of nice time for yourselves. I think your dh should go to his mums birthday, with your good wishes, and enjoy himself. Then, in a few weeks time if you're not breastfeeding, you should go out over bedtime and enjoy yourself. I get that it must be massively hard, but I don't think it will work long term to have your lives completely revolving around your ds.

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 23/01/2023 08:21

In my family a family birthday celebration is for the whole family, and arrangements are made to suit everyone. When the kids were little that meant we ate early. Now that they're older we schedule to avoid clashing with their social lives. We ensure that everyone will be happy with the menu. And then my dad pays. It wouldn't be a family celebration if we weren't all there and that includes both sons in law. I know not all families are the same, but it seems odd to me to deliberately make an arrangement that excludes some people.

qwertykeyboards · 23/01/2023 08:22

It’s her birthday not your son’s. And what’s the issue with her wanting her son to attend her birthday?

Ruffpuff · 23/01/2023 08:23

Get dh to take the baby to ease the pressure on you. Baby is only 3 months, they can sleep in the pram maybe? This was the best part about having a small baby for me.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/01/2023 08:25

The world does not revolve around you and your childcare. A grandparent is perfectly entitled to want to celebrate in the evening! I imagine they previously had years of working round children of their own. How many other people are going that you expect also to work around your child care?
I'm going to a 65th party in a few weeks. It's in the evening. They are grandparents too. But they're also adults.

katepilar · 23/01/2023 08:25

You are saying DH is invited. Then you say you and your children are technically invited because you cant go. Are you and the children invited at all? Also, are you sure your MIL knows that this time is impossible for you to do? From what you are saying it looks like bad communication on both sides and kind of sulking on your side. I assume there is a lot more to this relationship than this, sorry its making you feel bad.

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 08:26

Clymene · 23/01/2023 08:18

I'm afraid that a lot of people have very limited understanding of parenting an autistic child and many of them are on this thread.

I would also be hurt OP - my family have always bent over backwards to ensure that my autistic child is included because to them a family celebration is about including the whole family, not just the convenient ones.

If I were your husband, I'd say none of you can come.

A whole family shouldn’t be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate one SEN child.
That’s not how the real world works and your child is going to get a rude awakening when he grows up.

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 08:26

NotEvenSlightlyReasonable · 23/01/2023 08:21

In my family a family birthday celebration is for the whole family, and arrangements are made to suit everyone. When the kids were little that meant we ate early. Now that they're older we schedule to avoid clashing with their social lives. We ensure that everyone will be happy with the menu. And then my dad pays. It wouldn't be a family celebration if we weren't all there and that includes both sons in law. I know not all families are the same, but it seems odd to me to deliberately make an arrangement that excludes some people.

That’s bizarre! Most families don’t work like that.

PeekAtYou · 23/01/2023 08:28

I don't understand why you're surprised that somebody who isn't interested in ds hasn't invited him to a more child-centric gathering?

She either doesn't care or doesn't understand why you wouldn't bend bedtime for her birthday as people would for an NT child.

This is your h's problem to sort. If he can't deal with her tantrums then he should take the baby with him.

Tiredalwaystired · 23/01/2023 08:28

Are they the only children that would be there? If your MIL wants an evening meal then that really is her choice. I’m not sure if autism is a factor here - more that your children are five and under and your MIL is wanting an adult evening.

My friend had a wedding and was very clear it was no children allowed. My husband was best man. Our child was three months and breastfeeding. The brides needs trumped our own and we just worked round it. Although it was a ball ache for us I would never have had the right to demand our baby was there.

Brefugee · 23/01/2023 08:30

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.

then you deal with that as and when it happens.
So "thank you for the invitation, it sounds lovely, but we can't come. I hope you all have a great time, we'll see you soon"

And that is it. And if there is a "tantrum" or emotional blackmail? keep saying the same thing "we need to keep to DS routine because otherwise he gets distressed, don't forget to send us photos". You don't have to play their game.

But i agree with other pp, it would be nice if you can go, but it is your MIL's birthday and she gets to choose.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 23/01/2023 08:32

It’s silly to say “technically not invited”

it’s reasonable time for dinner, early even, and not everyone’s life is about your son

and yes, one person could handle both children

you are not used to it, so it’s hard, but not impossible

it’s quite normal for young parents to feel as you do , but not the whole world revolves around you and your kids

probably best if your DH goes on his own, I am sure they understand

MyRiverThee · 23/01/2023 08:33

I would have no contact with a grandparent that had little interest in my child and a family that use emotional blackmail. Your husband is stupid for being ok to be treated like that, but that’s for him to manage. What does he say about their behaviour?

Renlea · 23/01/2023 08:33

Clymene · 23/01/2023 08:18

I'm afraid that a lot of people have very limited understanding of parenting an autistic child and many of them are on this thread.

I would also be hurt OP - my family have always bent over backwards to ensure that my autistic child is included because to them a family celebration is about including the whole family, not just the convenient ones.

If I were your husband, I'd say none of you can come.

I disagree, from someone in this situation! I'd never expect people to never be able to celebrate anything in the evening because of either of my children. That's just ridiculous. The things he can go to great, the things he can't well that's ok too. An entire family can't always plan everything at lunch time and never have a life in the evening because of the needs of 1 child.

My DH would go in this situation, or depending how my DS was that day we would potentially all go. But I'd never blame anyone for picking a normal time like 6pm.

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